I tried to write this last week, and somehow I forgot to do so before I got all drugged up to have my wisdom teeth out. Oh well, I'm back at it. I thought maybe this thought would pass, but I just have to get it out there.
My last post was about the flower that pushed through the bushes and made the landscaping so much more enjoyable, even if it was out of place. Well let me tell you! I posted that on Thursday. Friday morning the flower was gone. Gone. No more petals. The center of the flower remained. The rest... The other flowers of the same kind were still growing in the neighborhood. White ones. Purple ones. They greeted me happily through fences in other backyards. But my fierce friend? Gone too soon. I couldn't help but think of all the journalists that are silenced by similar happenings. It was almost time for the flower to go away. Almost. If it had the company of more blossoms. If it was part of a group, maybe it would have survived like the others. But it was just alone. Destroyed by its beauty and singularity. And doesn't that happen to the voices that speak up against the powers that surround them? I know a bit of a horticulture stretch. But I love analogies. How often do are people silenced, or even silence themselves, because if they speak of the singularity and beauty, it will be taken away? I do not have an exact answer for this. I look to history. Think about how many times we heard of governments that wouldn't allow for freedom of speech. Even in modern times, we see this happening. We see parties controlling what is being said to the public. We know it happens. I simply wonder, what is the cost? In America, the cost is more of inconveniences and struggling to get others to see truth. In other countries, it is literally people's lives. If a man speaks out, will they kill him? Maybe. It would be more likely that they slowly make is life unbearable. Kids kicked out of school. Losing a much needed job. Family persecuted. Life taken bit by bit. I know it is incomparable, but when I saw the flower gone, I thought, "Did I do that? Did I kill that flower by bringing it to the attention of the world?" I didn't. I know the owner didn't read my blog and go pick the petals off. No, that wasn't the case. But what if it did? What if my writings held such power that pieces of life could be taken away. That is never my intention. My hope, as always, is to encourage, challenge, and help us all grow in this crazy life we have. I hope that no one would use my words in a way to destroy, but we know there are powers in this world that are always against us. When the time comes, are we ready to speak? Even if it means something else might suffer? Are we willing to discuss topics that maybe aren't part of the crowd? We are given one shot at life. We are given one chance to make an impact. We are given thought and voice. What are we using them for?
0 Comments
I take my dog for a walk every morning. 95% of the time, we walk the same 1.5 mile route through the neighborhood. The last two weeks I was met with a bit of a surprise as I walked our route down one particular street. This street has row houses, very narrow. There is no front yard, just a few feet and a fence. Most homes have shrubs in that space, while a handful have some rocks or mulch and small flowers in their landscaping.
One house on this row is the typical style with these large bushes, well manicured, next to the fence. I've had these bushes in my front flower beds until I asked my husband to get rid of them. I just don't like them. Not my style. But they are everywhere in our neighborhood. Hearty. Strong. And they grow back after being pulled for years to come. For some reason, this one house, in the midst of the bushes has a single blossom of a Fuji Balloon flower. Just one. Bright purple against the green and dark red of the bush. Personally, I adore these flowers. I even bought the bulbs to plant some in our flower beds. We grew a few small ones. They all died. Haven't seen any since. A neighbor two houses down has vines of them every year without doing a thing. They were there before the family moved in, and they'll be there when they leave. Me? Can't get a good group to grow. Oh well. Then here is this house. One single beautiful bloom. It stands out against the backdrop of bushes as it snakes along the fence. It just plain doesn't fit in. And yet, it's my favorite part of their landscaping. Sometimes that's how life is. That is how people are. We drudge on through our daily lives. On and on. Over and over. A wall of bushes at the grocery store. And yet, there always seems to be that one that stands out. There is one that doesn't fit in. I know a lot of people look to what is different and think it needs to go. It doesn't match. Get rid of it. Uniformity and consistency. But how beautiful is that difference? Are you the outside bloom? Are you bringing a new look to a row of bushes? Do you stand out? Maybe that's ok. Maybe it's needed. Maybe you break up the monotony to provide a smile on someone's face as they walk by. Different does not have to mean wrong or bad. You may feel singled out. That's ok. Bloom big and bright for all to see. Show us who you are! One thing about me, is that I do not like to attend a gathering of any sort if I have not been invited.
I know plenty of people that say, "That sounds fun, I'm in!" I am not against those people. Although there are times when people have invited themselves to things that they should not have, I appreciate the gumption it takes to join in. I don't have it. I suppose this goes to my deeply rooted depression and self-doubt. If a group of people I am standing with is talking about going somewhere at a certain time, I still won't feel like they want me there (unless we're close friends or something, or it has been stated that we are figuring out what we'll be doing). There is something inside of me that says, "If you want me there, you'll tell me." Some people think this is silly. If we're friends and you post an event on facebook, I won't assume I'm invited. They think, "But we're friends. Why wouldn't you be invited?" For me, and others with long-lasting depression, there is this idea of inclusive and exclusive. When someone has spend their entire life believing that they are excluded, it takes an actual invitation to feel included. Otherwise, we feel like, "sure you said I can come, but you don't actually want me there." Honestly, that can be true or not. We don't know. All we can, and should, do is accept or decline the invitation based upon our schedule and interest in attending the event. But that isn't how our brains are wired. We're different. We're rationally irrational. Okay, maybe just irrational. It isn't our fault, though. Remember that. I could write for days on how often I feel excluded (whether I actually was or not). I can talk to you about the times I was included, but felt like it was more out of pity than actually having people want me around. Why tell you all of this? If you have someone in your life that has battled depression, they may not feel like they are invited. It won't be enough to just say, "We're having a party." There will need to be additional words like, "I hope you can come!" Even then, if the comment is made within a group of people, it can possibly not feel genuine, as if the person meant it for the other people in the group. I know it sounds silly, but this is who we are. We fight daily to feel like we matter to the human race. We need to be invited. It solidifies us to the rest of humanity. It lifts our spirits to think that someone wants us to be with them. I won't tag along. I won't join in. I won't allow myself to feel like I'm ruining someone's time. Hey folks! I don't have a bunch of knowledge for you today. Well, that's a lie. I always do, but I'm keeping my rants down for a bit. I wanted to share some great new things!
1- My new children's book "The Powerful Poison of the Princess" is out! Contact me for signed copies. 2- My brother just released his novel "The Realm." You can find it on Amazon, but if you're local head over to Oak Road Brewery in Summerville (attached to Coastal Coffee Roasters). 2:00-5:00 get your signed copy! 3- My brother and I (so excited) will be part of Main Street Reads (Summerville, SC) Indie Book Store Day. He and I will be speaking together! 10:45-11:30 We will be at Hutchinson Square in Summerville. Love to see you there! Tranquil Springs book 2 is on its way! Be ready! How do you wake up in the morning? Are you a pop right upper? Maybe you lounge in the bed for thirty minutes. How about the zombie?
How do you think I wake up in the morning? . . . Okay, I'll tell you. I don't have a way. I do not wake up the same way every day. I know I know, most people vary. Life and situations. Did you have to work late? Were you out for an event? That changes things. And yes, that is true of me. But overall, I could go to bed at the same time every single day for a month. Each morning would look different. Why is that? My body has gone through some things. I have a whole gambit of sleep issues. I could probably fall asleep right now. But then again, maybe I couldn't. There are times when I am so tired, I can't get myself off the couch. As soon as I hit the bed, I am wide awake. Other times, I can plop into bed and fall asleep within ten minutes. It doesn't matter how tired I am or how much caffeine I've had (I have fallen asleep with a half drunk cup of coffee in my hands). My brain decides to sleep or wake based upon only Jesus knows what! Some nights I sleep for maybe five hours, and I am perky all day! Other times I get seven hours and it was not enough. Sometimes I get five hours and the world is ending. Usually seven hours is enough. I have neurological issues that keep my body from having consistent sleep cycles. Major bummer dude. Do you know what that really means? It means I don't know who I will be in the morning. It means my family doesn't know who is waking up. Nobody can predict how and what I will feel. There is no logic. It just is. That's really frustrating. Which then causes more emotions to rise. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I get a good night's sleep? Will this ever go away? Why is this happening to me? Sadness. Anger. Worry. This is just a morning on a random day. Life will throw other factors in. My goal is to hold it together. Keep myself from looking and acting like I can't get a good night's sleep. Not acting frustrated. Not being short tempered. Not feeling like my day is wasted and it isn't even 8:00. We factor in exhaustion from school, homeschool, dance competitions, work, book issues, on and on and on. But I have to appear normal. What would happen if I showed how I felt? What would people think? Would they pity me? Would they call be a jerk? Would they ignore me? Does it matter? I feel like junk most of my days. Whether it is emotional or physical crappiness, I usually am unwell. It has taught me one major thing: People don't know what I'm going through; which means maybe I don't know what they are going through either. Remember, folks, everyone is fighting a battle you don't see. Take a breath. Remember to show love. I drive to the dance studio and back home many times throughout the week. I have found that I take different routes to or from depending on the time of day and what traffic is likely to be. The other day I found myself taking a route I typically do not take because I noticed on my way to the studio that my route home looked backed up. As I drove this less than desirable route, I found myself paying attention to the streets I typically would take and need to turn left at. There are two different streets, and I was ready. I was ready to be the nice person that let someone in on that left turn. I wanted it deep within my soul. I know how great it has been when someone lets me out to this main road. I get so excited. I wanted to fill someone else with great joy as they drudge their way through traffic toward home.
Nobody was there. Nobody needed me to help them; nay, to rescue them from the clutches of turning into traffic. Still, I was ready. It made me think about all the times I wasn't ready and I missed the chance to let someone hop in front of me. But then my mind continued to drift. What is it that I am ready for? Do you ever stop and think about what we need to be ready for? In the church, people are reminded to be ready for Jesus' return to earth. We should be doing his work. Don't be asleep! Be ready! What about at our jobs? Are we ready to help someone? Are we ready to step in when the boss needs us to? Or maybe we are just trying to get through the day. We are ready to go home. Are we ready in our families? Are we ready to help drive someone or feed someone if necessary? Are we ready to babysit? Is it a hindrance to our lives to be asked to stop what we are doing and lend a helping hand? This type of readiness means being ok with having our schedules changed. It means being happy to drop our own plans for others. That's really hard. That can causes monkey wrenches in the gears. But it can also be quite rewarding. Extra time with people. Giving someone hope or help. We never know what the impact could be. Where will you be ready? I can be a really crabby person. I know, shocking. I just have these crazy expectations of where things go and how they are placed there. And frankly, some think that it is indeed certifiably crazy. I mean, the item went where it was supposed to, why does it have to go in a certain direction??
At the end of the day, when I'm going off my rocker because something is out of place, it is my own fault. I take responsibility for my mistakes. See, I got married. I birthed two children. I got a dog. And we all live in the same house. Huge mistake. I should have known these people and this dog couldn't possibly live up to the expectations of my wanted things put away and in a certain way. So why do I get so crazy about it? AHHHHHHH That, my friends, is the question. Am I really such a control freak that the step ladder must be put away the exact way every time. No, but yes. Explanation time. Our step ladder is next to the washing machine. If it faces one direction it leans on the wall. If it faces the other direction it leans on the washing machine. Who does five loads of laundry in a day? Me. Who whacks their elbow into the step ladder while doing laundry if it is set there? Me. Who has to take the step ladder out, turn it around, and put it back? Me. Grand scheme of life, not a huge deal. (Don't tell my elbow I said that.) What it is, is an unmet expectation that the people in my house would put things back in the way I ask so that I don't get hurt. Honestly, that's 98% of my getting upset when things aren't put away. It usually leads to my pain. The other 2% is the look of disorder that makes my anxiety rise, but I think I'm getting better at that part. When I'm yelling at my husband because his "giant-behind-sneakers-don't-belong-here-this-is-why-we-have-a-gosh-darn-shoe-rack-right-next-to-the-frickin-door" aren't put away, it isn't because it's a mess, but because I tripped on sneakers. I don't expect shoes to be sitting in front of my washing machine. But when it happens multiple times it is no longer an unmet expectation. It is a personal attack on me. You may think this is extreme, but follow me - you know my mind is filled with depression and hurt. I start with, "please put your shoes away." I follow up with, "can you please not put your shoes here, I trip over them, there's no room here." It escalates quickly after that, "move your frickin shoes!" while I throw them through the house or out the back door. I'm a fighter, what can I say. We live in a world of expectations that go unmet on a regular basis. People are self-absorbed. We are. We focus on what we want. We are in the here and now. At some point, we need to look to the people next to us and remember that they have expectations as well. So I guess I'll put the step ladder away without grumbling once or twice. New projects.
Hello readers. I want to share with you some deep and ground breaking ideas, but quite frankly I'm too overwhelmed to dive in deep even over the world wide web. So this is going to be used for some updates. The Powerful Poison of the Princess will be on hold for a bit. The illustrator has made some choices that were not beneficial for the publication of the work. Until items can be sorted, this work may never come to press. Tranquil Springs Weddings is in the editing stages. It's coming along nicely and should be out by June. A new book is being written describing some of my depression and issues within. My hope is that those who suffer will find solace. School is chaotic. One professor gives us 10 assignments a week, plus two three-hour lectures. Pray for me. I'm mush. And of course, it's dance season. I'm in and out on the weekends hoping for the best! Stay kind. Stay loving. If need be, reach out. My friends, we are living in a backwards way of life these days. It seems like so many people are putting the cart before the horse. In days of old, when someone would do that, there would be plenty of people to explain why that was a mistake. Obviously, steps should be done in a correct order.
Of recent years, a small handful of people have taken the cart, loaded and all, before the horse. They thought about it. People mocked them. And then they pushed the cart toward the road and placed a sign that said, "Roadside market" to sell their goods. People on their way to the market, stopped in at the cart, made purchases, and were happy to not have to go further to the town. It worked. People called those cart firsters- innovators. They're creative. They think outside of the box. And man, doesn't everyone want to be called that? We all want to have some ownership of creation, newness, and being appreciated. For many of us, though, the horse is the only winner who hasn't had to do anything. Today's society is so excited for the next best thing, that people have stopped asking questions like, "did you harness your horse?" This lack of preparation has left a great deal of people in poor situations. Some are unable to maintain jobs. Some cannot afford their education. Others jump from one failed business start up to the next. We're so eager to have the finished product, we forget about the work that lies ahead. I've done it. I do it often. Each book that I complete, I'm ready to get it on the shelves. But that is not what is required of it. It needs edits. It needs updates. It needs little details that cannot be overlooked. When I take my time and refine my product, is it not that much better for the customer? Where are you putting the cart before the horse? Where is that leap of faith missing its net? In today's society of innovators, maybe we can have some more stability. Planning and paths are not evil. Let's take the time to walk and discuss. After all, there may be a cliff up ahead, or a bear around the corner. And didn't that tortoise win the race? Take some time to ready your horse. Make sure the cart is secured. Then load that baby up like a Tetris screen and go! I'll be waiting for you. Parents are always ruining their kids. It's what happens. I know I've messed my kids. You will too, if you haven't already. If you don't have kids, you probably ruined someone else's kid. It happens. Circle of life and all that jazz.
My problems, as of late, all seem to stem from the same root of how I was ruined by my parents. I'm going to emphasize my dad, just because I've seen him do it far too many times, but don't worry, both parents are to blame. Ready for it? I believe in doing what is right, even if nobody is around to see it, or if nobody else will care. Doing the right thing is never the wrong thing - thanks Ted Lasso. I know, this is silly. How on earth could this "do right" attitude ruin me? This is a good thing! I want to do what is right just because it is right. Not everyone else feels that way. The last few weeks I have been met with a "I do what I need to" attitude. Quite frankly, it's just a horrible way to be with people. I have had people not pay me for my work. I have had people show up late. I have had people not do their due diligence in projects that require teamwork. This morning I couldn't help but feel that people were taking advantage of me. I was frustrated. Hurt. Angry. My expectations of humans, and humans that I am in partnership with, are that they will act right. They will do what is right. It isn't because I am so wonderful that they will do what is right, but simply because it is the right thing to do. How wrong am I! My expectations are completely misguided. Today I took two bags of trash out at my kids' dance studio. I am not a janitor. I don't get anything out of it. So why would I do it? It needed to be done. I was there. I did it. I also return my cart at grocery stores. If I don't want an item, I go back to where I found it and put it where it came from. These aren't monstrous things. It's common courtesy. That's why I expect that when I have entered a contract with someone, or I am working with them in any capacity, they will do their part. It's the right thing to do. That's not how life is. While living in my frustrations for a moment, I tried to talk it out. What I realized was that not everyone was raised the same way. And even if they were, not everyone cares to continue to do what is right. We live in a wretched world. We are selfish beings. I need to not hold others to my standards; even if my standards are right. So I'm screwed up. I keep forgetting that not everyone cares about doing the right thing. I just have to keep doing what I know is right, even if it isn't reciprocated. |
AuthorI have a lot to say about a lot of things. Archives
May 2023
Categories |