One thing about me, is that I do not like to attend a gathering of any sort if I have not been invited.
I know plenty of people that say, "That sounds fun, I'm in!" I am not against those people. Although there are times when people have invited themselves to things that they should not have, I appreciate the gumption it takes to join in. I don't have it. I suppose this goes to my deeply rooted depression and self-doubt. If a group of people I am standing with is talking about going somewhere at a certain time, I still won't feel like they want me there (unless we're close friends or something, or it has been stated that we are figuring out what we'll be doing). There is something inside of me that says, "If you want me there, you'll tell me." Some people think this is silly. If we're friends and you post an event on facebook, I won't assume I'm invited. They think, "But we're friends. Why wouldn't you be invited?" For me, and others with long-lasting depression, there is this idea of inclusive and exclusive. When someone has spend their entire life believing that they are excluded, it takes an actual invitation to feel included. Otherwise, we feel like, "sure you said I can come, but you don't actually want me there." Honestly, that can be true or not. We don't know. All we can, and should, do is accept or decline the invitation based upon our schedule and interest in attending the event. But that isn't how our brains are wired. We're different. We're rationally irrational. Okay, maybe just irrational. It isn't our fault, though. Remember that. I could write for days on how often I feel excluded (whether I actually was or not). I can talk to you about the times I was included, but felt like it was more out of pity than actually having people want me around. Why tell you all of this? If you have someone in your life that has battled depression, they may not feel like they are invited. It won't be enough to just say, "We're having a party." There will need to be additional words like, "I hope you can come!" Even then, if the comment is made within a group of people, it can possibly not feel genuine, as if the person meant it for the other people in the group. I know it sounds silly, but this is who we are. We fight daily to feel like we matter to the human race. We need to be invited. It solidifies us to the rest of humanity. It lifts our spirits to think that someone wants us to be with them. I won't tag along. I won't join in. I won't allow myself to feel like I'm ruining someone's time.
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Hey folks! I don't have a bunch of knowledge for you today. Well, that's a lie. I always do, but I'm keeping my rants down for a bit. I wanted to share some great new things!
1- My new children's book "The Powerful Poison of the Princess" is out! Contact me for signed copies. 2- My brother just released his novel "The Realm." You can find it on Amazon, but if you're local head over to Oak Road Brewery in Summerville (attached to Coastal Coffee Roasters). 2:00-5:00 get your signed copy! 3- My brother and I (so excited) will be part of Main Street Reads (Summerville, SC) Indie Book Store Day. He and I will be speaking together! 10:45-11:30 We will be at Hutchinson Square in Summerville. Love to see you there! Tranquil Springs book 2 is on its way! Be ready! How do you wake up in the morning? Are you a pop right upper? Maybe you lounge in the bed for thirty minutes. How about the zombie?
How do you think I wake up in the morning? . . . Okay, I'll tell you. I don't have a way. I do not wake up the same way every day. I know I know, most people vary. Life and situations. Did you have to work late? Were you out for an event? That changes things. And yes, that is true of me. But overall, I could go to bed at the same time every single day for a month. Each morning would look different. Why is that? My body has gone through some things. I have a whole gambit of sleep issues. I could probably fall asleep right now. But then again, maybe I couldn't. There are times when I am so tired, I can't get myself off the couch. As soon as I hit the bed, I am wide awake. Other times, I can plop into bed and fall asleep within ten minutes. It doesn't matter how tired I am or how much caffeine I've had (I have fallen asleep with a half drunk cup of coffee in my hands). My brain decides to sleep or wake based upon only Jesus knows what! Some nights I sleep for maybe five hours, and I am perky all day! Other times I get seven hours and it was not enough. Sometimes I get five hours and the world is ending. Usually seven hours is enough. I have neurological issues that keep my body from having consistent sleep cycles. Major bummer dude. Do you know what that really means? It means I don't know who I will be in the morning. It means my family doesn't know who is waking up. Nobody can predict how and what I will feel. There is no logic. It just is. That's really frustrating. Which then causes more emotions to rise. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I get a good night's sleep? Will this ever go away? Why is this happening to me? Sadness. Anger. Worry. This is just a morning on a random day. Life will throw other factors in. My goal is to hold it together. Keep myself from looking and acting like I can't get a good night's sleep. Not acting frustrated. Not being short tempered. Not feeling like my day is wasted and it isn't even 8:00. We factor in exhaustion from school, homeschool, dance competitions, work, book issues, on and on and on. But I have to appear normal. What would happen if I showed how I felt? What would people think? Would they pity me? Would they call be a jerk? Would they ignore me? Does it matter? I feel like junk most of my days. Whether it is emotional or physical crappiness, I usually am unwell. It has taught me one major thing: People don't know what I'm going through; which means maybe I don't know what they are going through either. Remember, folks, everyone is fighting a battle you don't see. Take a breath. Remember to show love. I drive to the dance studio and back home many times throughout the week. I have found that I take different routes to or from depending on the time of day and what traffic is likely to be. The other day I found myself taking a route I typically do not take because I noticed on my way to the studio that my route home looked backed up. As I drove this less than desirable route, I found myself paying attention to the streets I typically would take and need to turn left at. There are two different streets, and I was ready. I was ready to be the nice person that let someone in on that left turn. I wanted it deep within my soul. I know how great it has been when someone lets me out to this main road. I get so excited. I wanted to fill someone else with great joy as they drudge their way through traffic toward home.
Nobody was there. Nobody needed me to help them; nay, to rescue them from the clutches of turning into traffic. Still, I was ready. It made me think about all the times I wasn't ready and I missed the chance to let someone hop in front of me. But then my mind continued to drift. What is it that I am ready for? Do you ever stop and think about what we need to be ready for? In the church, people are reminded to be ready for Jesus' return to earth. We should be doing his work. Don't be asleep! Be ready! What about at our jobs? Are we ready to help someone? Are we ready to step in when the boss needs us to? Or maybe we are just trying to get through the day. We are ready to go home. Are we ready in our families? Are we ready to help drive someone or feed someone if necessary? Are we ready to babysit? Is it a hindrance to our lives to be asked to stop what we are doing and lend a helping hand? This type of readiness means being ok with having our schedules changed. It means being happy to drop our own plans for others. That's really hard. That can causes monkey wrenches in the gears. But it can also be quite rewarding. Extra time with people. Giving someone hope or help. We never know what the impact could be. Where will you be ready? |
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May 2023
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