I have been much less active on this blog. I apologize. I used to have it scheduled that a blog would go out every Friday, and hopefully another on Tuesday. It worked well for a while until I began homeschooling. That takes over a great deal of time. Adding in book readings, training, tutoring, and trying to survive meant that this had to take a back seat. Now as things are settling in, I can see that there is some more time to sit behind the screen and write to whoever is reading this thing.
That is usually the number one deterrent in my blogging. I hate sitting behind the screen. Mostly, I hate sitting in uncomfortable chairs. So the alternatives are the laptop in the recliner, but that often bothers my legs, or the lap desk while sitting on the bed. I'm not going to lie, I love that option. However, it places me in the bedroom while my children are out in the dining and living rooms. As much as I need a break from being mom and teacher, I struggle to sit in the bedroom and write while it's day time and I could be reading to AJ or playing, or just being present with them. I know it makes a difference to be a mom that is seen. That's why I have turned our dining room table into my desk during daytime hours. It isn't my favorite place to work, but at least I see them, and they see me. One reason I have backed away from the blog is not because I don't enjoy sharing my insights and bettering the world around me with my honest opinions. (Ha!) No, my calling is in writing, this I know. But the writing I've been called to do is so much more than this. I have my Bugaboo and Ladybug Adventures. I have A Time to Walk. I have now begun three different projects that my heart bursts for. It is truly amazing how things are coming together. Many of you know of my battle with depression. You may recall that at the age of twelve I attempted suicide by drowning at a junior high youth retreat. I won't go back through the details of what brought me to that decision, the lies that were spoken in my heart over and over still try to creep in at times. Yet, as I sat on the floor of the pool, unnoticed by anyone, I let out all my breath. I waited. I waited for that time that I would begin to breathe in water. I sat resolved. For not having oxygen in my lungs, I sat longer than I ever have (or maybe it just felt that way). Someone, not in human form, pulled me from the water. I never pushed off the bottom. I was lifted. And then the words came to me, "I'm not done with you, yet." At that point I knew God did in fact have something for me that I had not seen. When Caleb was born, and even before, I knew it was him. God is going to use him in a mighty way. He will live a life I couldn't have ever dreamed of. And if I had chosen to end my life at twelve, Caleb wouldn't be here to do what he will. Recently I said those words to a friend, that God was not done with me because of the two little ones inside my home. Her response was, "And He still isn't." That kinda hit me. I've felt like I've been in a writer's block even though these ideas and stories are flowing from my pen. I have been waiting because the Lord was telling me I needed to write more for Him, more spiritual works. That caused me to feel like more of a failure because nothing came to me. Sure, I could get after parents for their lack of parenting. I could talk all day on family issues or depression. But that's not what He wanted. So I sat. Sunday morning, my eyes were opened. I was told what I needed to write. Finally! Woohoo! Nope. To write what I'm called to write, I will now have to rely on others and they must in turn trust me. I truly believe this is where I must go. I have spoken to the first person, and will eventually speak to a second. There are stories that must be told. There are things that we have gone through that are devastating, frightening, and redemptive. I have to write them. I have to help people share the story that God has given them. I've never been so excited for non-fiction than at this point in my life. So as I have taken time away from the blog for other works, I apologize if you've missed it. I will do my best to stay with you all and follow through. But there are times that I need to get out of blog mode and write stories, real or not. I hope you'll read those as well.
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There is nothing better in the world than an early morning walk on an eastern beach. I was blessed to have the opportunity to head to one of my favorite locations, Boca Raton, with my family for a much needed vacation. I used my morning time to run, walk, and just enjoy where we are. It was a blast as always. One morning I was allotted a bit of time to walk along the shore. It's always a favorite for me. The sun dances on the waves, waking up the world. The endless crashing waves consume the beach beneath my feet. It is on the coast, watching the waves come in that I always feel my smallest. There is no end in sight. The ocean continues on. Every once in a while you will see a boat passing by in the distance, but typically it is just me and the ocean. In this time, I feel miniscule. Who wouldn't? One wrong step into the rip current and I am gone forever. I didn't step into the waves. I couldn't. The wind was so strong, I had no desire to even place my feet within the water, as I normally would. I walked higher on the beach because the waves were stronger than normal due to a storm in the north. I stood watching the waves come in a most forceful fashion, one after another. In that moment I was reminded of Genesis 1. When God created the Earth, the Spirit rested over the water. This is when it got me good. Acts 1:8 tells us that the Holy Spirit will come upon us with power. How often do we feel too weak to accomplish the task at hand. The same power that causes the waves to crash on the shores in Florida, Maine, Brazil, England, and Guinea is the same power granted to us. I froze that morning. Not because of the wind, but the revelation. It's no wonder that walking on the beach always fills my spirit. I walk away from the shore rejuvenated, refreshed, renewed. The power of the Holy Spirit comes alive within me when I rest on the beach. I encourage you to walk along the beach. I ask you to just be still and watch the waves. Experience the power afforded to you. If you aren't brought into the presence of God, perhaps that is something you might want to examine. |
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May 2023
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