Maybe it's just me, but I feel that my last few posts were a little heady. I'm trying to get deep in a short amount of time. Sometimes I feel like the weight is lifted, while other times I feel like I might become disowned by friends and family. So this week, I offer some hacks.
Being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) is not as glamorous as my father made it out to be. He used to joke with my mother that she sat around the house watching her soaps while eating Bon-Bons all day. I knew this was a joke because I could sniff out all the sweet treats in the house and because my mother hated soap operas. However, there was a part of me that thought she had it easy. By the time I was driving, my brother was in college, and it seemed as if she had less to do. No dropping me off or picking me up. Less laundry (I did my own, not my brother). And fewer groceries to buy. As an adult, and fellow SAHM, I can see how she was actually quite efficient with her time. Three years ago I was picturing this upcoming fall looking so much differently. I would be a SAHM while working from home, but having two kids in school! I was ready for a party! Homeschool life takes that away, but I have noticed the shift in stress with some of my mother's old time efficiency ways, and some of my own. So let's dive in! 1. CHORE LIST SPLIT You might be thinking, "Yes, give your husband and kids chores." Well, yes, we do that. But it is more than just splitting the chores among family members. When I worked outside of the home I would clean my home top to bottom every Saturday. I might run the vacuum an extra night, and dishes and laundry were done based upon necessity. After staying home I realized I could schedule it all better. Take the list of chores you have- Laundry, Sweeping, Mopping, Vacuuming, Bathrooms, Kitchen, etc. Then divide it throughout the week. Let's face it, spending an entire day cleaning the house is miserable. Only having to do one or two things is easier on life and your soul. For instance, our schedule has laundry divided into two days - Monday and Thursday. On Mondays I change the master bedroom sheets, and run a load of linens followed by whatever other loads need to be done. Thursday I do a second load of linens with the kids sheets followed by whatever other loads. Tuesday is bathroom cleaning day. Wednesdays I clean the floors front door to back door. As I split the chores throughout the days, I am less overwhelmed by them. I also hustle to get those two chores done right away so that I get no surprises. 2. WORK AT YOUR OPTIMAL TIME Believe it or not, there are these people that operate better at night. Go figure! Honestly, I would be one of those people if I didn't have responsibilities for the morning. But because I know that I work at varying times in the morning, and evening, I created a schedule that works for me. I workout before the sun comes up most days. It is another check on the to do list. Also, I don't have to worry about what I just ate for lunch or dinner coming back up on me. I apply this to every part of my life. Whether it is my workout or writing, or even the chores, I have become a morning person. It is not my optimal time to work while I'm awake and roaring. If I wait until after dinner to work, I'm pretty sluggish. There was once a time when my best writing came at 11:00pm with the Golden Girls. I miss those days. Now I can't stay awake until then. Oh well. 3. HAVE YOUR OWN SPACE I cannot stress this enough - you need to be a whole person. When I was single and living in an apartment, that was my space. I could do as I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted. But even if I had people over, my bedroom was my space. They could stay overnight on the futon. They could curl up on the couch. But my bed was my bed. My room was mine. When I got married and had kids it seemed that my space became everyone's space. For a bit that crushed my soul. I had no escape. Sure, I could go hit Target, but I really don't want to walk around Target in my bra. I can't work at a local Starbucks with my feet out and wearing my slouchy outfit - it takes away from the professionalism I try to portray. In my home my office space has moved throughout the building. of the house trying to find the "just right" spot. At the moment, I like it. My writing desk is in our dining room so that I'm close to the kids during school time. You may think that a disadvantage, but when you have to get up every ten minutes to correct papers, answer questions, or teach a quick lesson, being close is optimal. That also means that my office is not in my bedroom anymore. No longer do work and rest reside together. That is peaceful. 4. DE-CLUTTER Recently, I created a game I call "Fill a Bag." The purpose is for each member of the family to fill a shopping bag with stuff the don't use or need anymore. It's a great way to go through clothes and toys and realize WE HAVE TOO MUCH! Here in the good ole US of A we have a lot. We eat a lot. And we are never satisfied. This all comes down to a spirit of contentment. That is something we truly lack in the 21st century. There will always be bigger and better, but we will never appreciate what we have until we are content. If you have little ones like mine, you may notice that they are incapable of getting rid of anything. I set up rewards systems. It isn't for every time, but typically they will be rewarded with something new, when they give up something old. For instance, I went to target for someone else and saw some cute clothing. I bought a bottom and a top for each child. Then they had to go through each drawer of their dresser and every item in their closet. If it didn't fit or they didn't like it, it went. After they cleared out 10 items, they received the new clothes. They didn't know I was going to do that, but it was a great surprise. And I try to keep things fresh for them. Maybe they get a new book or a toy. Maybe it's a trip to Sweet Frog or the Dollar Tree. Find a way to get rid of all the things that are excessive. 5. GET HELP My mother cannot stand my house. It's okay, I don't care for hers either. She and I believe that everything has a place and if you can't find a place get rid of it. The problem I'm finding is that my home doesn't always have the ability to find spaces that are necessary. So I call my mother every few months and ask for help. Sometimes I take charge and tell her what I need and we work. Other times, I sit on the floor and say, "I'm lost," while letting her work her magic. By calling in help I am not giving up. Instead, I'm saying, "Let's get this done." It doesn't always work, but we can at least make progress. Sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me when I try to get things in order. I will look at my husband or my mother (sometimes both if it's bad enough to call her when he's around) and say, "It all has to go!!" The kids are capable of helping. People are willing. If you need help getting life in order, ask! Sure, I'm a loner, but I would totally help anyone that asked me. If I am willing to go and help people, I'm sure there are many more that would to. 6. PRIORITIZE If you do not prioritize your life, others will. This ranges everywhere from relationships to extra-curricular activities to budgets and more. Everywhere in your life that is important needs to have a spot. We can't do it all at once. Just the other night I was cooking dinner in two different parts while trying to help the 8 year old with Latin (Thank you, Robin for answer keys) and the 5 year old with ELA. Holy cow my head was spinning. So I stopped and took a breath. Dinner was my priority at that time. You may think of me as a jerk, but Caleb had all day to do his Latin, and really wasted time. AJ was doing work for the day ahead. Dinner was going to burn. Dinner was the priority. My kids knew and understood why it was that way. It isn't a matter of love, but for me it was. I knew I could sit with Caleb later that night or another day to figure out that Latin. I knew AJ could just wait for the next day to do her school work. Dinner was for all of us. We all needed to eat and be strengthened. And nobody wants a burnt omelet. So make things a priority. If your child is in their 4th year of football and they are average at best, you are allowed to skip a game or two for the right reasons. Know your priorities and let others know as well. Hopefully this list helps you no matter where you are in life. Single/married, full time work/part time work/retired, kids/no kids/grown kids, and whatever combination, we all need a little boost some time.
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Many years ago I was entering into marriage counseling with the great Jon Davis and my then fiance. We weren't far out from our wedding day, and this was part of Jon agreeing to marry us. So off we went to his home office. He asked us to purchase a particular workbook and we did. And he gave us a piece of advice based off of this workbook. All our hurt, anger, frustration, pain, and everything else that we find destructive to relationships comes from unmet expectations. So he had us go through this section of the workbook that brought up times we were angry and what our expectations were, what actually happened, and how it was clear that our expectations were not met and therefore brought out anger. We had to repeat it with hurt feelings and the like. Over and over I saw how my emotions played out my unmet expectations.
Overall, this was phenomenal advice. When we would "fight" I would approach Charlie with "My expectation was that... And because that expectation was not met, I feel .... " Don't get me wrong, I would still yell or cry or whatever, but I would always come back to the mindset of unmet expectations. Eventually, I would start with it after a long deep breath, but I missed not having the full on emotions. (Punching bags are great marital investments if you have high emotions.) Throughout years I continued to apply this advice to all areas of my life. Yes, this is true of our relationships like marriages and friendships. Where else does this apply? How about work situations? If you have been with a company for a decade and know that there is an opening for a position above you do you begin to get your hopes up? This year is your year! You've come in early, stayed late, made the company more money, and done so with a smile on your face. Why? Who wouldn't want you to move up? Easy, the person who has to pay you more. Maybe they bring up the average worker or higher outside of the company. The reaction? Hurt. Anger. Frustration. You might want to quit. Break it down. The expectation was that you were a shoe in. Even the others in your department thought that you should have that position. You were confident that it was yours. The boss thought otherwise. Maybe they saw how well you've done and thought that they could never get rid of you. You're doing far to well. You are invaluable where you are. Perhaps if they higher from outside they can keep the salary lower. Maybe they just plain don't like you. Guess what. It doesn't matter. They made the decision. It's now your job to figure out your emotions, reactions, words, and actions. I will say this: When I stop and realize that my frustration in a situation comes from MY unmet expectations, it is easier to handle. Even if my expectations are appropriate (like the above example) and my emotions are appropriate, it is necessary to handle things appropriately. There are certain people you can vent to, complain with, whine at, and still be in good standing like spouses or friends. Going to the boss that just crushed you with a devastating blow will give you a pink slip and more free time. Gathering your thoughts and emotions, handling yourself the right way, might just show the people around you how wonderful you are. You'll have more people on your side. You may even have someone that goes to fight your battle for you. I am living in a season of unmet expectations. I won't list the areas, but they are there. And I need to be honest, I want to be bitter and pout. I want to stomp my feet, throw a hissy fit, and stew on it all. But that will do nothing. It never has and never will. Sure, it feels good for the time you're in it. After that, you just get bogged down. It's easy to want to give up on everything with that attitude. So it's time to press forward. Sometimes hope is hard. Hope is waiting and expecting. I hope that my package will get here on time is saying that there is a possibility it won't but I am going to be excitedly waiting for it to be here on time. Then after a few times of the packages coming late, I no longer hope for them to arrive on time, I assume they will be late. If I have unmet expectations repeatedly, I will lose hope. Hope is necessary in life. But hope can be squashed. So in order to keep from drowning, when hope levels are low, there is one thing that can remain. Gratefulness. Gratefulness changes our attitudes (even when justified in crumminess). Let's go back to the overlooked employee. Unmet expectations makes them bitter and angry. Gratefulness reminds them that they still have a job to go to, and therefore a paycheck to live on. Thankfulness tells them they have a home - big, little, overpriced, under-furnished, full, or empty. Gratefulness knows that there are people elsewhere that don't have anything. Thankfulness opens our hearts to see that we have all we need. If you're struggling with a person, job, situation, or anything really, I encourage you to write down what your expectations were for that situation/relationship specifically. Find where the expectations weren't met. Identify your emotions from this unmet expectation. And then talk to someone over it. If it involves a person, tell them. I guarantee that your mind will begin to fizzle when you see that you were expecting things that the other side didn't even know about. Communicate your expectations and let things be where they need to be. Then step back and find reasons to be grateful in that situation. I can still remember it vividly. I was a freshman at Charleston Southern University. I was heading to the cafe for some breakfast. I enjoyed breakfast on campus. Mostly because many of my peers didn't believe in such a meal, and certainly not as early as I did. So outside of athletes that had early morning workouts, it was usually pretty quiet. This particular morning I was headed toward the cafe at my typical pace, and noticed a big ole football player holding the door open and looking in my general direction. I did not know him and assumed he had someone he was waiting for behind me. After all, I was still a good fifty feet away. After I entered with a "Thanks," he followed me in. I couldn't believe it. This big lineman was a gentleman for a girl he didn't know. He waited far past "Hey, could you hold that door for me" time.
Why do I bring that up? Because it appears to me that gentlemen are dead!! I know, I know. Not your husband. He still opens your doors and blah blah blah. I'm not necessarily talking about the men that want our love and affection. This is the general man to woman that meet randomly and don't really meet, but pass by. What do I mean and why do you care? Good points. Let's begin. Today I had to enter the dreaded Verizon store to get my phone set up. (Yeah, I probably should have known how, but I'm not tech savvy. Cut me some slack.) The store opens at ten. I arrived about five minutes before that. The parking lot had a good deal of spaces still available, which is unusual. There were three open spaces between two trucks. I thought how perfect it was because I could park in the middle and still have and every other space going on. As I began to turn, I had to stop. A man had exited one of the trucks and thought he should walk through the remaining spaces, rather than near his truck and to the store. No, this was not the most direct route. And as I waited for him to move, he looked at me as if I was the trouble maker. How dare I park my vehicle legally in a parking spot!! I should be arrested for teaching my children how to walk in parking lots politely. But here it lies, this not so gentleman felt it his right to walk through the parking spaces, rather than walking to the sidewalk. Enter in entitlement. Just as I feel that I am entitled to park in the open space. Two entitlements means a clashing of interests. In my mind, the pedestrian should keep their eyes up for vehicles and not walk through the parking lot as if it is a field of daisies. Still, it was the look on his face that irked me. His look was that of frustration that I would make him change his path. Once the store was open, we filed in like a class from recess. Each kept their order so I was behind the entitled man. He let the two children and their father hold the door before he reached for it. I held the door more than he ever did. Leaving Verizon also left me confounded. There are two doors. Typical social workings suggest that we keep to the right. As I was leaving, a man approached the store. He saw me. I saw him. I moved to my right to use the door on that side, assuming that he would be opening the door on his right- which also happened to be closer to him. I pushed the door open and he waited for me to pass so he could have the door that I opened. It made me think. And my first thought was, "Screw you, feminists. You killed the gentlemen!" Okay, okay, that seems a little harsh, but I think a bit accurate. For so long women have had to fight for equality that men have said, "If she can do my job, she can open a door." And you know what, that is pretty accurate as well. If I can shingle a roof with my pops, scoop manure at a horse farm (never done it, never will, but could), sit in an office wearing a nice suit, write a novel, play an instrument, lift weights, then I can open my door. These random men don't owe me anything. And I don't owe them anything. There was a time when men were expected to do simple things like open doors. Whether it was demeaning or not really came down to the man and the woman. Did the men open doors because they thought the little woman couldn't figure it out or muscle it open? Possibly, but I think it was truly just for respect. Some men just couldn't help changing it. I opened the door for you, you open your legs for me. It was no longer a simple kindness gesture, but a way to get something in return. No, not every man. But for many, men took advantage of chivalry. The woman's view also has a part to play. And it took a handful of the jerk men to start bringing out a different view from women. "I don't need you to open the door for me." It was a mere part of what has been happening over time. Women want to lead corporations. If they can own and operate Fortune 500 companies, they can open a door - unless it's a limo, ya gotta stay classy. We burn our bras for the opportunity to open our own doors in public!! There are two problems that exist right now in all of this and I believe the answer can be just as confusing. For one, women have been given the position of lower class citizens of earth. Due to this injustice, women have been trying to gain the simplest of rights - voting, owning land, owning businesses, equal pay. In that fight to be equal to men in lifestyle, women have lost the idea that we are not the same as men. Bear with me on this one. The Bible can answer both of these by looking at the Old and New Testaments. First let's head into the Garden of Eden. God creates Eve from Adam's rib. So, Adam came first. That's when God said it wasn't good for him to be alone and makes Eve. Even is made to be his help-mate. They are partners. One does what the other can't. They work together. It's a team. God doesn't say, "Now remember Adam, you are far superior because you came first." Nor does he say, "Remember Eve, I made you because he couldn't do this on his own." No. Partners. Side by side. Now I know someone is going to say, "but Eve screwed it up because she ate the fruit." Yeah, and Adam was right there letting her. The New Testament then brings in some family affairs. Paul tells the church that the head of the household is the husband. He is to love his wife. She is to respect him in return. He is to lead, but she is still his partner. Too often the church has used this idea to make the woman less than the man. I won't get into the whole "women do not speak in the church deal" because that is too in depth for this. See, with the men over the women, it means the men are responsible. They are held accountable for their family. When the children are acting a fool in the grocery store we blame the mom because she's the one with them, but where is dad? Not just physically, but spiritually, emotionally, mentally. Does he discipline? Does he have expectations for when he is and is not present? Well, it will fall on him. Think about First Corinthians and the definition of love. If a man uses patience and kindness, does not envy or boast, is not being rude or arrogant; if he doesn't insist on his own way, is not irritable or resentful; if he does not rejoice in wrong doing, rejoices in truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things, don't you think his wife will respect him? The principles have been thrown aside. If men were loving in a partnership with women, women would be respectful in that same partnership. Apply this to general everyday relationships. The boss is a man. He is patient and kind. He isn't boasting about his conquest at the bar. He doesn't give the high five to the guy who is cheating on his wife. He doesn't resent having to slow a work day down if it means teaching someone to do things correctly. Imagine how respected he would be. Say the boss is a woman. She doesn't demean the men under her (no jokes). She doesn't belittle them or their manhood since she is the boss. She respects every man that walks in, from the intern to the accountant. Won't she be loved? Men and women are wired differently. That's why Paul has phrased it in a way of family dynamics. Men need respect. Women need love. That isn't to say that men don't need love and women don't need respect. However, it's percentages. Just like men and women both have testosterone and estrogen in varying percentages. They each need both hormones, but how much they need is different based upon who they were born as. We all need love and respect, but what makes our spirits full are different ratios based upon who we are. I have taken this piece a little off the beaten trail. I hope you put on your hiking boots and trailed alongside me. The end point of all I've ramble through is this: I am a woman. I can open my own doors. However, I respect the man that is kind enough to open and hold it open for me to walk through. Yesterday my son's Taekwondo instructor was over to work with him. My daughter came outside and he said to her, "You are so pretty. Do you know that?" And I love her response, "Yes. My mom tells me everyday." Heck yes, I do. And I will. I will continue to tell her how beautiful she is until I have no more breath in my lungs. Why? Because I don't ever want my daughter to believe that she is not beautiful.
These words are so very important. If for a moment she believes she isn't beautiful, she is believing a lie. And it is only the beginning of lies that will find their way to her. One lie leads to another. There will be lies about her beauty, her smarts, her heart, and countless other things. I dread the days of teenage girls. One day she will have a best friend and the next day that friend will be spreading rumors or believing rumors. Life will be hard. Or maybe it will be a boy - I wish them harm already - that will try to ruin my daughter's idea of her self-worth. I speak from experience. I think we all know this experience. But then again, there are some of us that battle with depression. We have heard a few more lies than others. We have believed more lies than others. Those battling depression can hear a comment at the age of 12 and believe it at the age of 32. These things are spoken in our heads so many times for so long that it is hard wired into our brains. The sky is blue and you're ugly. The sun is yellow and nobody loves you. Over and over. How do we rewire our brains? How do we decide that those lies are just lies and not really the truth like the sky and the sun? I can't say for sure. I can't give a sure fire way to dismiss the words you've heard over and again for how every many decades you've heard them. I only know of a few helpful tools. One - you need to know your identity. For those of us that know Jesus, he has our identity. He tells us exactly who we are. Once we know who we are, we have to repeat it. Since the lies came to us in repetition to become hard wired, we need repetition to overcome the lies. This is where things go sideways. Repeating things to ourselves will only go so far. So part two is that you tell someone. You need to tell them what is going on. You need to tell them what lies you hear every day. They need to know the truth. They can then reinforce the truths that you need to hear over the lies. Well, things get tricky here again. After a while, they become unbelievable. "You're just saying that because you have to." That's the thing about depression and lies. When one seems to have been taken care of, another can pop up. And why should we believe someone who knows our struggles? Because isn't that their job? For those of you in the boat of depression I can hear the "mmhmm"s and "amen"s coming through. For those outside of the boat, maybe this helps to understand just a piece of what happens. But one thing in all of this is for sure. My daughter will hear that she is beautiful each and every day. |
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