There are probably two or three people that read the title of this and thought, "I know what this is all about." And you know what? They're right. But I might take it a little deeper today.
We know I'm a few screws loose. We know I have issues. But, do we ever stop and look at people with issues (known or unknown) and think a little deeper? I have fought depression my entire life. (Known.) I have deep rooted self loathing. (Known, thought of as over-dramatic and therefore, I usually keep to myself, but intuitive people recognize it.) I have friends. I have close friends that know secrets and more distant friends that just have fun chats with. However, my deeper friendships are usually more one-on-one. So my deep friendships usually don't cross paths. I don't know why. It just happens that way. I've always struggled in groups. I usually keep to myself. I might buddy up with one or two, but usually it's just me riding solo until someone approaches me. The problem usually comes into the group when I become comfortable with more than one person. I begin to let my guard down. I relax into my natural self - which in case you don't know, is sarcastic, but in a fun jokey way. Not everyone sees it that way. A lot of people don't understand my jokes and assume I'm being nasty or rude. I don't try to be. I grew up in a family that jokes around non-stop. It's my love language. So what results from this? I've learned that people don't care for my love language of jokes. Instead of forcing them to accept me the way I am, I just stuff myself down and put on the fake Jewel. I'd rather be non-offensive to all than to be me for some. You might look at this and say, "Good for you. You're reading the room and acting accordingly. More people should be considerate of others." I agree. But there's more to it with me. I'm told that the actual me is abrasive, snarky, rude, offensive, and unenjoyable. Think about that. How many people try to tell me that the lies I hear in my head are just that - lies. I'm not a huge failure. I'm not a terrible person. I'm great. And yet, I'm celebrated when I stuff my true self down to be the person others want me to be. Society agrees with the voices of my head - I'm just not good enough. Look, I'm not saying we should allow people to be senseless jerks to one another. I think we have plenty of those already. But could we stop for a moment and think about the person that we are about to reprimand? Can we think for a moment about why this person is the way they are? I think we could use some more understanding.
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Man, being a kid was so easy.
You were taught not to lie. You were also taught not to say something that would hurt someone's feelings (so you fib). You were taught that secrets don't make friends. You were taught to keep things private. Seriously? So simple. Do you ever look back and think, "How did I survive?" I used to. I've spent too many years answering that question. I barely survived. I scraped by doing what I had to do. Recently, I have snapped out of it. A large portion of the person I once was has changed. And it is all because of the juxtaposition that was placed on me as a kid. We were supposed to be honest, but only if it didn't hurt anyone else in the process. What that transpired into was that we stuffed the truth inside of us and destroyed ourselves so that others wouldn't be hurt. The problem is that eventually the truth will come out, and the secrets are no longer hidden. The damage has already been done. Reparations cannot be made. We are forced to find a way to heal and move on while those that are learning the truth are trying to make heads and tails of the situation. Basically, life becomes a mess. There are two reactions when truth is spoken. 1- Apologies are made. Relationships are restored. Healing becomes a natural process. 2- Denial of the truth. If it had happened as was spoken, they would have known. You're making it up for attention. Sometimes people will walk back and forth through the two responses because of their own struggle with the truth. They may start in (2) and come to the realization that you are not lying in future days and move to (1). They may move from (2) to (1) and back to (2). Usually if someone starts in (1) they stay in (1). But if they start in (2), they can move to (1) and back to (2) when their mind starts talking. Maybe they cannot believe the truth, that it is irrational. Maybe it's guilt that says they wouldn't allow for something like that. Maybe it's just habit. I'm not a psychologist, I don't know. But I do know that decisions are made, and life must be dealt with. Many will remember the 90's when the Catholic church was brought under scrutiny for what was happening with the choir boys behind closed doors. The truth was brought to light. Many Catholics said, "Never happened in my church!" whether that was true or not. They didn't want to believe that men of the cloth could perform such terrible acts. Others stepped up and said, "Yeah, it happened to me to." They were able to receive healing. But back and forth it went. It was messy. As a parent, I don't ever want that to happen in my home. No parent does. I hope I'm creating an environment that speaks in truth with love. People make mistakes. Bad things happen. But sweeping the truth under the rug only protects the wrong-doer. And for most people, issues were kept secret because it was what you did. It might have been said under the guise of respect, but it was to keep shame from the family. How harmful it has been for so many that kept secrets for the sake of shame. I say no more. I say speak. No need to be malicious. No need to go on the attack. Just speak the truth. Let out the secrets. Allow yourself to be healed. Sunday evening my family went to watch a local dance performance. It was the end of the year LYDA show. LYDA stands for Lowcountry Youth Dance Association. If you want the best ballet in the area, it's a good place to look. Auditions are held in the spring. Students begin in the fall. Outside of a fee here and there, it is tuition free. Can I get an amen? It is also a part of the South Carolina Governor's School for the Arts and Humanities. In fact, the president was in attendance and made it a point to walk around and speak with parents out and about. I had run off to the restroom and when I came back, I found him chatting with my husband. My first question was, "Oh, are we brown-nosing already?" (I thought it was funny.) My son is hoping to head off to the school in the near future and I will take the time to chat with the people that I need to chat with. But that's as far as I go.
Sure, I'll make a joke about brown-nosing because I'm awkward. I will happily tell them about my child wanting to attend the school. Then, I'm done. I'm not reaching out for a follow-up. I'm not dropping notes or gift-cards. I don't believe that any person we met will remember my child after that point. Why? I want my kids to make it on their own accord. I have seen parents that go to teachers to get their kids into higher level classes, dance numbers, and whatever else. They buddy up with teachers. They basically turn things into a bribe. "Remember my child!" is the only thing that comes out of their actions. And at the end of the day, I just don't understand it. When my kids come home from college, I don't want them to tell me all the great things that happened and for me to say, "It's a good thing I emailed your professor." Most parents don't. They want their children to be successful. The problem is that they don't allow their children to fail. When failure approaches, they find a way to fix the issue. Always a winner. The kids that fail are the kids that grow and learn to endure. The kids that never experience failure are the ones that turn into adults that don't know how to cope with it. I don't know about you, but I don't have a basement for my kids to come live in when their thirty. I pray continually that my kids will make it. Whether its teams, schoolwork, or anything else, I want my kids to make the cut. But I refuse for them to make the cut because of me. I have actually apologized to my children. I told them that in the next few years there is a very good chance that they will miss out on things. And when they can't understand why someone not as talented or smart or whatever got a spot that they didn't, we'll know that in today's world, it's probably because I didn't suck up to whomever was in charge. Ya know what? I'm okay with it. They may miss out on things over the next few years, but by college, they'll be on the path to rule the world. All because I let them climb the path on their own. You can call me mean, but it is what it is. Time for parents to be real. One year I received an InstaPot for Christmas. Before the air fryer fad came to peak, it was the InstaPot. In my daily scrollings through the book of faces I would find articles about injuries due to the pressure cooker. I'm not talking like you touched a hot pan and it hurt, but all out skin grafting due to severe burns boo-boos. So when I received my gift, I was too scared to be honestly grateful. My pulse quickened. I envisioned my home burning down and my kids in the hospital. It was bad. The first three times I used the appliance, I made sure nobody else was in the home. Not, in the room, in the house! Eventually, I learned that if you follow the directions, the appliance isn't all that bad.
When I look at people, I see a bunch of fleshy pressure cookers. Generations before us had a very secretive lifestyle. I don't mean the world was filled with dual lives like Batman, but simply the life that was true, and the life that was shown. The phrase, "Sweep it under the rug," was not even spoken, it was simply done. There's a problem with that. Eventually the rug rips, gets moved, or has so many lumps it's uncomfortable to walk on. Today, I see it as a pressure cooker. People are still stuffing things, but they choose not to sweep it under the rug, they drop it in the pressure cooker. There are many people hiding secrets for themselves and loved ones. They drop it in the cooker and lock it. The only problem is that some youngin' walks by and says, "Hey, this isn't on. We need dinner." They press the button to turn on the cooker. In reality it might be children asking tough questions. It might be a friend asking about how things really are. It might be a family member noticing that something isn't right. No matter the situation, the button gets hit. The pressure begins. Many pressure cooker humans haven't read the directions. Some people try to release the steam continually during the cooking process. This doesn't work. Ranting and raving to the woman at the bank won't help you. Taking out frustration on the server bringing your food won't help. The food in the cooker needs to cook. Time has to be a factor to help make sure the chicken isn't full of salmonella. When the time is right, release the steam. Then you can open the pot fully. If you try to vent the steam before time, the pot won't cook. Other people don't vent the steam at all! They put the food in, turn it on, and let it sit. It cooks and cooks and cooks. The chicken is dry. It's beginning to shrivel up. They refuse to open the lid. Once it's in there, it doesn't come out! The problem with that is, as we know, eventually the the machine will break. It will become useless. The lid must be opened and the food taken out. There's a good chance the food is burnt to the cooking pan. Some people refuse to let the machine work. Into the vault of the InstaPot it goes. It sits. Instead of the food getting cooked, it just sits and rots. Now we have a mold issue on top of everything else. The final group of people might be the worst chefs. They put the food in. They cook the food. Then, when the timer goes off, they do not vent the cooker, they open it up! The steam is so hot, and they did not release the pressure through the valve. It practically explodes. And it explodes on whomever is nearest to them. People are sent away to the hospital because the there was no valve release at the end of cooking. The way the pressure cooker should work is as follows: Place the food in the cooker. Add water as directed. Place and lock the lid. Choose the setting and timer. When done, vent the steam through the valve. Open the lid. Enjoy. We need to own our problems. We must add in all the ingredients and water; for instance, Scripture, words of wisdom, prayer. We need to give it a bit of time to process what the actual problem is and how to solve it. Then we find someone. We talk to them. It could be a counselor or a friend. It could be the person involved in our problem, confrontation is not a bad thing. Then we can truly open up and enjoy. The book of John, written by one of Jesus' favorite friends, says that the truth will set you free. We know that Jesus is the ultimate truth. He frees us from sin. But even out of context, that phrase is completely true. Have you ever seen a kid that knows the truth but doesn't want to share? They're covering for a friend or sibling. What signs do we see? Fidgeting, not meeting eye contact, squirming, not talking more than one word answers. The pressure builds inside of them. Finally, they burst! Tears stream down their face. Sobbing. Guilt ridden pain. Stomach aches relieved. All of it comes to a head until the truth is known. So why do we keep it up? Why do we keep hiding secrets for other people? I get that you don't want others to see someone you love in a poor light, but why is it your job to cover for them? If they put the food in your pressure cooker, it's your job to cook it and serve it. Don't keep letting steam out so it never cooks. Don't burn it up. Don't let it get moldy. Cook that food. Serve it. If you don't do your job, you'll only hurt yourself or the person that comes to check on dinner. Let people be held accountable for their actions. Hold yourself accountable for your actions. It won't be easy. But in the end, the truth will set you free. |
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May 2023
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