Am I alone in this - I have a hard time relating to people. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel like I have this part of me that is missing. Everyone seems to just get along and be on the same page. Then I roll onto the scene and it's crickets. Every time. And then I try to fit in or go along. Ya know what happens? Crickets and awkwardness!! Ugh.
So I choose to live in my bubble. The people who get me, get me. Those that don't, it's cool. I'm ok living in my bubble by myself. If I didn't have to work, I would probably have even less human contact. (I was once told that it must be why I liked writing. I'm a natural hermit.) Regardless, I do turn around and try again. It's funny, I don't exactly care what others think of me. Like I said, hermit. But I feel as a Christian, wife, mother, author, and trainer, I need to get out into the world. I need to permeate into people's lives whether I feel like it or not. Sometimes those permeating moments lead to friendships, sometimes they widen the gap. It depends on the person I suppose. Over the years I have found that people don't care for my personality. I love through jokes. I enjoy laughing and fun. I'm intense. I'm all in or not at all. I guess that's why I love sports. Mediocrity in athletics shows up real quick. You need to be all in, or sit in the stands. Right now I would like to be in bed, however, I committed to working. And if I need to work later than my bedtime requires, so be it. Right now I'm juggling a few jobs all at once. It's difficult, but I know I have to. Loved ones tell me something has to give. I guess it's sleep because I'm all in. Apparently, that rubs people the wrong way. Oh well. I know there are others like me. Well, if Jesus loves them not just like me. But I know that there are others who struggle to relate to people. Why is that? Why do we struggle to sit down with another human being and have a wonderful conversation that develops into a friendship? I have new-ish neighbors. These are the neighbors everyone wishes for. I can sit down on their couch and talk with them like we've known each other for years. I don't know how. It isn't me, it's them. They are so kind. Their personalities are just welcoming. I don't have that gene. There are others without this gene as well, but I feel like we can develop it. I'm not sure how, but I'm trying. I think smiling is the beginning of it. Some of us just look angry when we are perfectly content. It's hard to have that look when you don't intend to have it. We must make the effort to smile. We will get shot down immediately, which will make us want to run back into our living rooms and shut the blinds, but we must continue. When we talk, we need to ask more questions and find out about others. I have learned this, I just suck at doing it. I think this is where we all are, we who don't relate well to others. Most of us know how to relate to others, we just aren't good at it. And when we try, we usually fail. It just continues to encourage us to not try. Here's my take-home. To those of you like me that don't relate well, try. When you fail, try again. You will never grow and become better people. Because like it or not, this world has other people and at some point you will need one of them. You need to know how to work well with others. To those of you that can make friends with anyone, anywhere, know that we exist among you. We don't want to insult you when we just plain don't know what to say. We aren't trying to be rude. For every true jerk in our midst there are 19 others who are trying so much to relate to you, to get you, to make things better when we come in contact with you. Give us a chance, or two, or 16. We will grow with your help.
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So as we know, my best thoughts come to me in the shower or while running. Neither conducive to "jotting it down." I'll do my best to portray what came through my mind on a quiet morning run.
I was thinking of someone and their struggle with mental illness. As you may have read previously, I have battled - and still do- with depression. But we handle things a great deal differently. As I thought about their post, I thought of something to say, but no words came. Not until, that is, I was running. She had recently begun working out and I thought, "I should ask how her workouts are going." Wait. Huh? How did you jump from mental illness to going to the gym? Here's how: When you think about it, mental illness is often caused by an unbalance in the chemical makeup of the brain. Something is too high, something else too low, now we need to balance you out. There are plenty of drugs on the market that try to level us out, aren't there? For me, fitness helped a great deal. Pump those endorphins through my veins!! It helps for many of us that have depression and an unbalance. Then I really got to thinking. Mental illness does not just affect the brain. It is not just something that makes people crazy (well, maybe some). Mental illnesses throw us off mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We have to fix ourselves in all areas of life, not just the brain and what we think. It takes one thought - Jewel, you are so stupid. You left that cup on the car and now it's gone. Way to go. Lost your cup. You're an idiot - and now we're off on a different path. Frustrated, confused, angry, incapable, unworthy, and just plain lousy. We can't let that one thought get into the rest of our being. Physically we don't want to go anywhere or do anything. We get stressed and anxious. Soon we believe that we aren't worthy of the calling set before us, just because we left the cup on the back of the car and now it is lost to the world. (FYI, we remembered afterwards, my handsome 6 year old put the cup there, not me. Phew.) So how do we attack? Pump the pills? Meh. Pump the iron? Oooh. Regulate some of those chemicals with your own bodies ability to produce them. But here's what else happens. When we are down and out, we don't treat ourselves correctly. We eat junk and binge watch Scrubs. One trip to the gym, or out for a run, and it's more than just the chemicals. Now we feel accomplished. We did something productive for ourselves. We did it when we really didn't want to. We did it. And ya know what, we didn't do half bad. Next time we'll push harder. The emotions change. Stupid, lost, and angry are losing out. You know what they lose to? Joy. Mmm. Joy. What a great word. We also have a little bit of peace within ourselves when our bodies, and more importantly our minds, get back to order. Wait, joy and peace. I've heard those together before. The fruit of the Spirit. Yes, physical activity can get us back with the Holy Spirit. And then we realize that the Holy Spirit is fighting back within us against the powers of depression and anxiety and we begin to have a little more of that power Paul is always talking about. It made me think of the fruit of the Spirit. In case you missed elementary verbs I want you to grab this. Gal 5:22 - But the fruit of the Spirit is... Did you see it? One fruit. In this one fruit you have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. It's easy to think of an apple isn't it? Love, joy, peace, faithfulness are the flesh of the apple. So sweet and tasty. Goodness and kindness the skin. Easy to see and shine up quickly before eating. Gentleness is the stem, sure it's there and helps us, but once it falls from the tree we don't really think about it. Patience and self control seem to be the core. Those seeds are great for planting, but we never eat them! (I joke, I kid. Just a little fun). So as we encounter this fruit of the Spirit, we do in fact have a little more steam to fight that depression. I'm not saying that exercise will fix it all. I am saying that it helps. I have found that when we fight battles of the mind, we must sometimes provide a sneak attack. The Native Americans would encircle their victims. We must do that within the mind's fight. We attack the mental in areas that are affected. Physical, spiritual, and emotional. Go for a run. Pray, and seek prayer. Do things that you know will be fun, and even though it is just a temporary emotion, it will indeed regroup the mind. I know that I can't change the balance sitting on my couch. And I know that I won't ever truly be mentally balanced until the days of heaven, but I know that I can surround it and attack it with as much force as it attacks me. And I will take the Holy Spirit with me as we fight together. Battles come and go, but I know the war is already won. When I began this site and blog, a big encourager of this whole deal said I should write a blog on budgets. Me? We're broke! What can I say about budgeting? She didn't see it that way. She saw a wife and mom working here and there while her husband was at work to earn some extra. She saw a woman feeding four mouths and making sure it was there for every meal and snack. She saw me trying to get us where we should be. But she didn't see the behind the scenes. She didn't see the fear and anxiety. She didn't see the struggle to make ends meet or the juggling of funds. I am a great actor when necessary.
A few months ago I got some new neighbors. Through discussions and joking, it was brought up that I was going to try us on some Dave Ramsey stuff. Well, except I didn't quite understand it all. So what do my neighbors say? "Dave Ramsey? We love Dave Ramsey!" Huh? Yup. The answers to my prayers for financial freedom moved on in next door. Over the last three months my family has been living on a budget. A real life, big girl panties, no going back, budget. And you know what? It's. Ah. Maze. Ing. Yup. I have never felt so much relief in our finances. Okay, so that isn't always true. Sometimes I just want to go running to Target and spend $100 on whatever I feel like - clothes, shoes, office supplies, a snack and drink. There are some days that I feel the noose of the budget as restriction from the things I want to do. But then I take a look at what that budget has actually done for us. We have money saved up in case of an emergency. We tithe like we are supposed to without waiting for the next paycheck to cover it. We have money for food, gas, bills, family fun. We are taking all extra money and paying down debts - holy cow, thank you Jesus - and seeing/feeling the difference. And there are little categories in the budget that will help my sanity, once they get a few months behind them. So that pair of sneakers I wanted to buy on Sunday aren't condemned to lie the shelves until dismissed. I'll be back in a month or two when my budget has saved the money and I can pick up some sneaks for work. Sweet deal. Budgets aren't impossible, if you are taught how. I highly recommend a budget, no matter who you are or where you are in life. You need to make sure you know where your money is going, and be able to tell it where to stay. I know Dave Ramsey rubs people the wrong way sometimes, but he knows his stuff, and he admits where he screwed up before. The idea of a zero based budget may seem like a foreign language completely. If it is, find someone who knows how it works and learn from them. I can't tell you how thankful I am for my neighbors. Learning these simple things will make this school year, this Christmas season, and every day life easier and stress free. I love ducks, don't you? They waddle. They swim gracefully. You can feed them. The flying V! (Mighty Ducks is still one of the best sporting movies of the 90's.) And did I mention, they waddle!
But sometimes I run by ducks and think they are the dumbest creatures I've seen. Ever watch a duck get down from a curb to cross the road? It's ridiculous! They rear back. The wings are spread. You can hear it- easy quack easy. The curb is 6 inches. His little waddling legs only 3 inches. If only he could step down one webbed foot at a time. Unlike us, he needs to jump - woah quack easy quack w-w-woah! Dude, YOU'RE A DUCK! This little adorable creature is struggling to get down from a 6 inch curb. YOU CAN FLY. You're a stinkin' duck! Just fly across the street already! Ugh. How many of us are acting like ducks? Seriously, we're equipped and ready to move in the right direction, and what happens? Doubt. Instead of flying up over the street quick and easy, we weeble-wobble at the curb. We rear back and flail our wings and think, "woah, that's a big drop." I always wonder what goes on in the mind of the duck. What is so important that the duck must choose to walk across the road? I don't get it. Until I think of humans. So many times I see people who could just avoid the problem of the road. The hard asphalt on the webbed feet probably doesn't feel so good, but we force ourselves into it through an awkward, if not uncoordinated, flopping. We are designed to fly above, and be in our elements, but why not just walk the harsh road. Sometimes I think we choose to walk on the asphalt because it's what we see others doing. The ducks in the neighborhood have been here long enough. They watch us and attempt to do what we do. I'm not saying that ducks don't walk, but that isn't always the best plan. Sometimes we choose the item right in front of us instead of using a little effort to get ourselves into the air. There are times we choose the road over flight because we are just plain tired of flying. Either way, it makes me want to shake people. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST FLY! WHY WON'T YOU JUST FLY?! I'm no psych - we all know that - but I would really love to know what keeps people from flying. I don't know about you, but this duck's gotta fly! I don't want to be someone that when they look at me they picture that awkwardness of a duck rearing back, fumbling over her own webbed little toes, and trying to figure just how to get down to the next level. I want people to look up and see me flying in V formation, ready for what lies ahead. (quack......quack.....quack....quack...quack..quack.quack quack quack quack) So, maybe you noticed, maybe you didn't, that I didn't post a blog last week. I thought of it often. I wrote some out a bit. But eventually, I came to a conclusion - I'm on vacation. It can wait. Wait it did.
I went on a family vacation. The first of its kind. Usually a family getaway means driving to relatives homes. If we stay in a hotel, it means a wedding and we're probably sharing the room with my parents. No, this time we had a hotel room all to ourselves. We had a blast as our family of four and with our extended family. I'm so grateful for the time we had to play around and have fun, but also to relax and enjoy the sunshine. On this vacation we stayed on Jekyll Island. What a glorious little island. I didn't know exactly what to expect. Once we were there and had the chance to wander, I was a bit overwhelmed. The resort we were blessed to stay in was once the club of some of the greatest entrepreneurs of America. It was the club of Vanderbilt, Morgan, Pulitzer, and Rockefeller. Yes, this beautiful area, though greatly changed over the years, was the winter home of America's greats. While I was running during the first morning, I was inspired. Those men walked on the same land I was walking on. They viewed the same river. There was possibly a bench where there sits one now. Vanderbilt himself could've sat on that bench as I was sitting. What could I possibly do that would match the decisions, expansions, and changes that those men made? Probably nothing. Let's be honest, I'm not a business person. But it sure is inspiring. I wrote. I wrote the stories I needed to write. I didn't write a blog. I didn't write for someone else. I wrote for me. I wrote the best I could. I edited. And then I rested. What a great experience. It is one of those places that I can look back on and remember how I felt. I can remember that feeling of inspiration. There was a desire to be the best. There are definitely two types of people in this world. There are those that bring work with them on vacation. Then there are those that leave it all behind. Although I'm usually one to bring work with, I couldn't help but enjoy leaving it all behind. Until that run, that is. I know the vacation was meant for us all to unplug and relax, but how could I? I could not just let the opportunity pass me by. There was strength radiating through those walls. I could feel my mindset changing. There were things that I could do to be better. There are ways for me to expand and grow. I wrote another Bugaboo Adventure that week. I grew my Usborne business that week. But I also built my family. We made memories. We grew as a unit. That's my biggest business after all. Yes, I worked, but I also worked on the Sweeneys. We watched fish jump from the river. We watched deer eat. We saw fireworks burst. I'm sorry I left you for a week, but I had bigger dreams to sail off on. I'm not one to air my dirty laundry to the world, but I am all for honesty.
My husband and I work hard. Sometimes we work so hard we crash on the couch before 9 o'clock because we just can't keep our eyes open. Unfortunately, the work we do doesn't provide a great amount of cash. Regardless, we live our lives the best we can with what we have. A few months ago, I was working with a young man that needed help in class and in life. So I offered the best I could. At one point the conversation came up about finances and budgeting. For some reason everyone thinks I'm a great budgeter. (I am now that I was taught.) I had no idea what I was doing. I was just making ends meet- hopefully. Since this young man wanted a push into the right direction I picked up a book that has been on my shelf for years. Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. I started reading and couldn't put it down. I was starting to get it. (I still needed help with how to do a budget, but guess what - my neighbor is all for some Dave Ramsey and she graciously has guided me into how to write a budget and stick to it.) So as I read the book there was one thing that stood out to me. We all play "Keeping up with the Jones family" whether we want to or not. We walk into someone's house and think, "Whatever they're doing for a living, I need that too!!" It's constantly showing in front of you what others have. When you're just doing the best with what you've got, it feels like a slap in the face sometimes. I get angry. "Why do they get the life of luxury when I work my tail off and have nothing to show for it?!" What's funny is that I don't want what they have. I just want the ability to have what they have. But Dave says something I hang on to. "Don't try to keep up with the Jones' because their broke." Okay, so maybe not all the "Jones'" we see are broke, but I am starting to see that maybe some of them really are. If they're buying on credit cards, they're buying with debt. I say all this because I really do struggle with it sometimes. Not always. Sometimes I say to myself, "The Jones' are broke." Other times I focus on us. We are making huge strides towards financial freedom in a way I had never really cared about before. We are setting up our lives for our children to know financial freedom. No debts. No struggles. It's hard to say no to my kids when they want to eat out. I want to eat out too! But I know that if I save that little bit now, it will be worth it later. It doesn't make it easier though. Sitting with people who I know make more money in 6 months than we do in a year can be hard. I just have to make the choice to be happy where I am. Yes, I know if I added a part time job our income would drive up, but my sanity would drop. My time with my kids would drop. My writing time, effort on lessons, and work with clients would drop. I'd have to give up what I love for money. That doesn't sound like a good plan to me. Same for my husband. He has the eternal reward of working with teens as a teacher. He influences kids in a way others don't. He has built relationships with students that is beyond encouraging. He has built his reputation in the school as a good teacher, both among the adults and kids. If he stayed with a former company that was part time and switched to full time, he might be making more money. But he certainly wouldn't have the same life. I'll take my small house and my multi part time jobs that I love. I'll take my time with my family. I'll take my husband working a thankless job for too low pay that he was meant to do. We may not keep up with the Jones' right now, but in a few years we won't have to think about it. We'll be having too much fun together! I will no longer feel shamed for what I have or don't have. I have my family. And they are pretty dawgon great. |
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