I can be a really crabby person. I know, shocking. I just have these crazy expectations of where things go and how they are placed there. And frankly, some think that it is indeed certifiably crazy. I mean, the item went where it was supposed to, why does it have to go in a certain direction??
At the end of the day, when I'm going off my rocker because something is out of place, it is my own fault. I take responsibility for my mistakes. See, I got married. I birthed two children. I got a dog. And we all live in the same house. Huge mistake. I should have known these people and this dog couldn't possibly live up to the expectations of my wanted things put away and in a certain way. So why do I get so crazy about it? AHHHHHHH That, my friends, is the question. Am I really such a control freak that the step ladder must be put away the exact way every time. No, but yes. Explanation time. Our step ladder is next to the washing machine. If it faces one direction it leans on the wall. If it faces the other direction it leans on the washing machine. Who does five loads of laundry in a day? Me. Who whacks their elbow into the step ladder while doing laundry if it is set there? Me. Who has to take the step ladder out, turn it around, and put it back? Me. Grand scheme of life, not a huge deal. (Don't tell my elbow I said that.) What it is, is an unmet expectation that the people in my house would put things back in the way I ask so that I don't get hurt. Honestly, that's 98% of my getting upset when things aren't put away. It usually leads to my pain. The other 2% is the look of disorder that makes my anxiety rise, but I think I'm getting better at that part. When I'm yelling at my husband because his "giant-behind-sneakers-don't-belong-here-this-is-why-we-have-a-gosh-darn-shoe-rack-right-next-to-the-frickin-door" aren't put away, it isn't because it's a mess, but because I tripped on sneakers. I don't expect shoes to be sitting in front of my washing machine. But when it happens multiple times it is no longer an unmet expectation. It is a personal attack on me. You may think this is extreme, but follow me - you know my mind is filled with depression and hurt. I start with, "please put your shoes away." I follow up with, "can you please not put your shoes here, I trip over them, there's no room here." It escalates quickly after that, "move your frickin shoes!" while I throw them through the house or out the back door. I'm a fighter, what can I say. We live in a world of expectations that go unmet on a regular basis. People are self-absorbed. We are. We focus on what we want. We are in the here and now. At some point, we need to look to the people next to us and remember that they have expectations as well. So I guess I'll put the step ladder away without grumbling once or twice.
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New projects.
Hello readers. I want to share with you some deep and ground breaking ideas, but quite frankly I'm too overwhelmed to dive in deep even over the world wide web. So this is going to be used for some updates. The Powerful Poison of the Princess will be on hold for a bit. The illustrator has made some choices that were not beneficial for the publication of the work. Until items can be sorted, this work may never come to press. Tranquil Springs Weddings is in the editing stages. It's coming along nicely and should be out by June. A new book is being written describing some of my depression and issues within. My hope is that those who suffer will find solace. School is chaotic. One professor gives us 10 assignments a week, plus two three-hour lectures. Pray for me. I'm mush. And of course, it's dance season. I'm in and out on the weekends hoping for the best! Stay kind. Stay loving. If need be, reach out. My friends, we are living in a backwards way of life these days. It seems like so many people are putting the cart before the horse. In days of old, when someone would do that, there would be plenty of people to explain why that was a mistake. Obviously, steps should be done in a correct order.
Of recent years, a small handful of people have taken the cart, loaded and all, before the horse. They thought about it. People mocked them. And then they pushed the cart toward the road and placed a sign that said, "Roadside market" to sell their goods. People on their way to the market, stopped in at the cart, made purchases, and were happy to not have to go further to the town. It worked. People called those cart firsters- innovators. They're creative. They think outside of the box. And man, doesn't everyone want to be called that? We all want to have some ownership of creation, newness, and being appreciated. For many of us, though, the horse is the only winner who hasn't had to do anything. Today's society is so excited for the next best thing, that people have stopped asking questions like, "did you harness your horse?" This lack of preparation has left a great deal of people in poor situations. Some are unable to maintain jobs. Some cannot afford their education. Others jump from one failed business start up to the next. We're so eager to have the finished product, we forget about the work that lies ahead. I've done it. I do it often. Each book that I complete, I'm ready to get it on the shelves. But that is not what is required of it. It needs edits. It needs updates. It needs little details that cannot be overlooked. When I take my time and refine my product, is it not that much better for the customer? Where are you putting the cart before the horse? Where is that leap of faith missing its net? In today's society of innovators, maybe we can have some more stability. Planning and paths are not evil. Let's take the time to walk and discuss. After all, there may be a cliff up ahead, or a bear around the corner. And didn't that tortoise win the race? Take some time to ready your horse. Make sure the cart is secured. Then load that baby up like a Tetris screen and go! I'll be waiting for you. Parents are always ruining their kids. It's what happens. I know I've messed my kids. You will too, if you haven't already. If you don't have kids, you probably ruined someone else's kid. It happens. Circle of life and all that jazz.
My problems, as of late, all seem to stem from the same root of how I was ruined by my parents. I'm going to emphasize my dad, just because I've seen him do it far too many times, but don't worry, both parents are to blame. Ready for it? I believe in doing what is right, even if nobody is around to see it, or if nobody else will care. Doing the right thing is never the wrong thing - thanks Ted Lasso. I know, this is silly. How on earth could this "do right" attitude ruin me? This is a good thing! I want to do what is right just because it is right. Not everyone else feels that way. The last few weeks I have been met with a "I do what I need to" attitude. Quite frankly, it's just a horrible way to be with people. I have had people not pay me for my work. I have had people show up late. I have had people not do their due diligence in projects that require teamwork. This morning I couldn't help but feel that people were taking advantage of me. I was frustrated. Hurt. Angry. My expectations of humans, and humans that I am in partnership with, are that they will act right. They will do what is right. It isn't because I am so wonderful that they will do what is right, but simply because it is the right thing to do. How wrong am I! My expectations are completely misguided. Today I took two bags of trash out at my kids' dance studio. I am not a janitor. I don't get anything out of it. So why would I do it? It needed to be done. I was there. I did it. I also return my cart at grocery stores. If I don't want an item, I go back to where I found it and put it where it came from. These aren't monstrous things. It's common courtesy. That's why I expect that when I have entered a contract with someone, or I am working with them in any capacity, they will do their part. It's the right thing to do. That's not how life is. While living in my frustrations for a moment, I tried to talk it out. What I realized was that not everyone was raised the same way. And even if they were, not everyone cares to continue to do what is right. We live in a wretched world. We are selfish beings. I need to not hold others to my standards; even if my standards are right. So I'm screwed up. I keep forgetting that not everyone cares about doing the right thing. I just have to keep doing what I know is right, even if it isn't reciprocated. |
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May 2023
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