Do we remember pagers and beepers? Okay, I was literally one of the only kids in my class that had one. But still, they existed. Someone would call your beeper and then dial numbers. You would then have their number to call, and a little something with it, usually. For us teens, we had a set of codes. And when someone hit up your pager in class with 9-1-1, you knew you needed to get to a payphone stat. Hold on, I need my old lady pills to finish this paragraph. Out of all the "911" pages you received, how many were an actual emergency? Zero. The answer is always zero. Because if it was an emergency, they would actually call 9-1-1.
Our generation of emergency loving selves has become a generation of parents. And just because we have become parents, it does not mean that our overdramatic selves have died. Oh no. If you were a dramatic teen, guess what? You are a far more dramatic mother. And guess what else? We non-dramatic people, can't stand you. Parenting has changed avenues over the last century. Better yet, it has created entirely new infrastructures throughout its span. If I were to ask you one question, there would probably be three distinct groups. I'll ask my question. You can answer. And then, for kicks, let's see if you fell into one of my three categories. When does helping your children become hurting them? Group 1- NEVER! Group 2- Quit babying them, geez. Group 3 - Oh my, that certainly is tricky. Is it a case by case? Perhaps child by child? What about the age of the child. I think I need more information to answer this question. Okay, okay, so maybe group three seems like a cop-out, but let's rummage through this box of goodies we call help. The group ones of the world are the 9-1-1 paging drama queens of the 90's. These are the ones that go into the school, email, call, and everything else if it will make their baby feel special. These people run on emotions. You know them. The baseball team would be so much better if he got to play with his best friend. So out goes a call to make sure they are together for another mind-numbing season of butterfly chasing. Cindy got into the gifted program, but my daughter didn't. Couldn't you make a spot on that teacher's roster for my sweet child. She'll work hard. Who cares that they will either struggle, become frustrated, or slow the rest of the class. These children will never learn to earn anything outside of their parents saying that they did. They won't understand the feeling of accomplishment one receives when they are victorious on their own accord. And what happens after the age of 18? What happens when life teaches those kids that mommy and daddy can't save you from it all? Group two is filled with some of the best people on the planet. In general, they're giant butts. They believe that no help is the only way to help the child become successful in the future. They look to the drama llamas (we'll get back to this point) and call them sissy raising, good for nothing parents. Because group one creates soft children, group two creates warriors. These children learn to dust themselves off when they fall. These kids work harder than anyone else that can be found. IF they earn success, they do it through blood, sweat, and tears. Everyone is better because of that child's ability to care for themselves, finish school, parent themselves, fight for what they want, take what they deserve.... blah blah blah. I started out a group two-er. Hardcore. And still, I believe that group one-ers are hurting far more than helping. Group one creates a situation of enabling. However, group two will as well. In parenting, as in all aspects of life, there needs to be a balance. Parents will need to help their children. Plenty of studies show that children that don't succeed in the basics of school in elementary levels end up in prison, lower paying jobs (as adults not teens), and have an overall lack of satisfaction as adults. My kids have asked me about twenty times today, "Mom, will you help me?" As teacher and mom, I do help, as much as I can. Sometimes helping them would be giving them the answer. There are times for that as we are learning a new concept and we work together, but typically, they ask for help on things they must do on their own. So help doesn't look like what they want. They want guidance in form of a, b, or c? Often the help comes in teaching them how to rethink the question, re-read the question, or come up with a more direct question for me to answer that will help them get to the answer they need. I can help without giving away the answers. When your child comes home from school and needs help with their math, you can help them. Guide them to figuring out the answer on their own. If that isn't your forte, you can find a tutor, a friend, anyone that will help your child succeed. Notice though, helping a child to become successful at schoolwork does not mean - changing classes, changing teachers, ignoring the assignment, doing the assignment for them, or writing an email to the teacher. Parents need to find solutions themselves. Letting the child fail without intervention will not always make the child stronger. Some do succeed (read David and Goliath by Maxwell), but often kids need a nudge. But here is where I love my group two parents. Failure is one of life's best teachers. When you fail at something, you decide right then and there how you will face it. Do you just not care? That's probably not until seeds have taken root in teen years. For most children, failure means they will want to try harder to not fail again. They might think they will be unloved (I hope not, but it happens). They might be embarrassed. They might just find their own ways to become successful in this area. Group two can raise some tough cookies. The problem is that for every five tough cookies, there is bred a soft hearted fearful child. The same could be said in reverse for the group one parents. For every five soft mama's boys, there is a tough cookie that rises past. I think what this shows us is how much of that balance we need. There is a time to step up for your children. There will be a time when a phone call must be made, a meeting will be held, or heads will roll. Their your children. It is the job of the parent to guide them through. However, not every item that hurts your child's feelings is a need to fight for them. How many kids are in classes that are above their heads because a parent called, rather than the scores and teachers' evaluations processed? How many parents track down a coach at the end of a game and say, "Why isn't my child playing more?" Parents that are group one, love deeply, but they often forget that children are not perfect. Not every team needs your child. Not every job will deserve your child. Parents have to know when to fight, and when to let their kids fail. Here is the hint that I will give you: If you bring a stuffed llama to a high schooler's volleyball tournament because it's the "good luck llama" you might just be a full on group one parent. Are you raising your child to rely on you bringing a stuffed animal for top performance, or are you raising a child that is ready to face the challenge whether they win or lose? A study in positive psychology states that people's happiness levels should reach at max an 8 out of 10. If you are a 10 out of 10, you have nothing to reach for. It's okay for your kids to not always be happy.
0 Comments
The last few weeks I've discussed the topic of love at different levels. This week, I feel, wraps it up on the love fest. Last week I was putting the pieces of the puzzle together and I realized that things were coming to a head last weekend.
There are many ways that love is shown. In fact, the Bible discusses love at great length (like from beginning to end of the entire book). Many discuss love as it should be - on various levels. I love coffee. I love the taste. I love the warmth, or cold if iced on a summer day. I love the memories I can associate with coffee. I love the caffeine that drives its way through the coffee. Aside from the yellowing of teeth, coffee can do no wrong in my book. But to say I love coffee on the same level as friends and family would be inaccurate. Coffee is clearly better. In our leveling of love, we find three main forms of love. There is brotherly love, romantic love, and unconditional love. This past weekend as I watched two become one in their romantic love, I witnessed brotherly love. And in that same event, I found unconditional love. Within the scope of the same wedding, I saw conditional love, and the effects it has. You see, romantic love can hide some of the flaws within the relationship. Things that might be found annoying are covered with the overall love one has for the person committing the annoyance. Brotherly love can also move around defects of someone. It might turn into a joke amongst family or friends. It might be credited to someone that their flaw is due to someone or something else, and so friends dismiss it. Unconditional love is unmatched. It doesn't cover or change. It doesn't ignore. It loves through the messes and issues. Conditional love is simply an oxymoron with those jumbo shrimp. Love that has conditions is no love at all. Unfortunately, we were forced to witness what conditional love looks like in real life experiences. My friend walked down the aisle on the arm of her brother. She watched her husband dance his last dance with his mother. She then danced with her brother. However, the brother was interrupted and her uncle stepped in. Not long after, the next uncle. Finally, the third uncle. For anyone that doesn't know the scenario, they would think, "How amazing is it that the men in her family will step up to be there for her." Even I, knowing the situation, thought those words. The problem? Her parents are alive and well. They live not far from me. They could have been there. They should have been there. Why weren't the parents there? The mother drew a line in the sand. She didn't approve of the groom. But this isn't like that song on the radio. There was no asking of permission. This couple has been together for about six years! Her mother decided in the beginning that she didn't approve of him, and that was that. Look, y'all know I'm all about some tough love. I believe the coddling in this country is too much to bear. But there is nothing this side of heaven that would keep me from my children's weddings. Nothing. I guarantee you at some point at least one of my children will date someone I don't like. The chances are high seeing as I don't care for people in general. I have two choices in that time. I can say my peace and draw my line in the sand, or I can say my peace and love them through it. One is love based upon conditions, the other is not. I hold my children accountable. I make them apologize when they hurt someone. I make them mad when they aren't allowed something their friends are. I make my decisions based upon what I believe to be the best for them. They're children. They screw up. I'm not forcing my kids to do things in order to love them again. Even when I want an apology, I don't always get it. I don't make them stop talking to someone because the kid is a bad child. I set boundaries. I explain and teach what I want of them. I expect the most of them. And I love them even when they are giant pains in my behind- which is also giant thanks to the smaller one. One day they will grow up. Everything I think I have taught them will hopefully be within them, helping to guide them into good decisions. At some point, they may (definitely will) walk outside of those teachings. As an adult, I will have to look at my adult child and make a decision. I can try to ignore it and not confront it. I can confront it and draw the line. Or I can confront it, and leave it on their shoulders. If I bring the Bible and say, "This is what God's word has to say about..." then I have done all I can do. At that point they will have to take responsibility for their own actions. And thanks to the grace of the cross, I can love them even when I don't agree with them. It may hurt my core, but I can love them through it all. Those of us that knew the background of the bride and her parents were happy to see the uncles step up and say, "We're here with you. We're still your family." We watched as men danced with the bride that should have been her father. It was heartbreaking. I can't begin to form the words for how my friend feels/felt. All I can do is love her through it. You may say, "So what?" Well, here's my take-away point. The mother's concern was that the bride would be led away from her teachings and from God. Yet, through the last six years, the mother has failed to do her job as a Christian: Love. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. Love your daughter the way Christ loves you. Show the world your love- God's love- by loving through your hurt, disappointment, and pain. That is the saddest part. The mother chose herself. She chose guilt trips and lectures over shopping trips and girl talk. And because of that, we all witnessed conditional love under the guise of Christian standards. She hurt my credibility as a Christian. And throughout it all, sadness was replaced with alcohol consumption that night. Might that have been different if there was love? We are called to love. I know that it can be difficult. Nothing worth doing is easy. I hope that we can balance out which lines must be drawn, and which lines must never be. I hope that we can see how powerful our love can be when we are rooted in God. In case you're wondering, the father is not in my mind the man he should be. In this scenario, he chose his wife over his daughter, which is commendable and appropriate. However, for far too many years he has chosen to do as his wife says to keep the peace. He didn't choose to take his wife's side because he believed it to be right. The Bible says that the man is to be the head of the household. This marriage does not show that. Now, we aren't behind closed doors with them. I haven't heard their conversations. I have heard from others what the bride's father has said, and it saddens me. Perhaps if he had led, they would have loved. Perhaps if there was love, there would have been more to approve of. Perfect love casts out fear. Conditional love casts out family members to the arms of lovers, liquor, and longing. If you have at all followed the last two posts you may or may not have noticed a slight theme. Honestly, I didn't realize the theme until I was preparing last weeks. I couldn't help but notice how nicely everything tied in together. What's the theme? Well, tomorrow marks one of my least favorite days of the year. Valentine's Day. Yuck.
I don't necessarily understand the point. It's the same way I feel about Mother's Day. Why should one day of the year be the day you decide you like me? Let's behave for Mom, it's Mother's Day. Let's show someone we love them, it's Valentine's Day. Why aren't these year round things? Oh well, I digress. The last two weeks I have discussed some topics that seem like simple ramblings of a stay-at-home-work-from-home-mom. The truth is, they are acts of love. Gary Chapman is well known for his book of love languages. In this book, you discover what love language you want to be spoken in as he breaks them down into five simple concepts. The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Many years ago I read the book and found my order of languages. But as it happens, times change. People change. Circumstances change us. I remember that at the time of reading the book I was all about acts of service. Why? Well, I was working outside of the home. For a minimum of 10.5 hours a day I was not at home. When I got home, the last thing I wanted to do was clean the house and do the laundry. I wanted to relax. I wanted to enjoy my home. So anything that could be done to help me, I was all about. I also enjoyed receiving gifts. However, as our financial situation changed with the addition of our son, medical bills, and the saying so-long to my job, I found gifts to be a waste of what little money we had. So where am I now? Two weeks ago I brought up the concept of who we give our best to in our lives. Last week I discussed putting my life in order of importance. So it seems that my love languages might just be changing. But are they really? I take a great deal of pride in being able to get things done. However, when something has to be done that I don't want to do- Oh please do it for me. Sometimes it is simple. I forgot something at the store. I need to get an oil change. I'm too sore to make the kids beds. Sometimes it's a little more difficult - help with the kids, writing lesson plans, take someone to their appointment that might last too long. There's a problem in this. You never know which me you'll get. I mean that! I don't know which me you'll get. Sometimes when someone helps me I think, "Thanks! Now I have time to...." Other times I think, "So what? You think I can't do that on my own?" There's no rhyme or reason. Or is there? When you search through your love languages, you start to wonder which one you are. Often you learn what you want to receive, by seeing what you do. I love wrapping up my daughter and telling her how beautiful she is. I think I do this not just because she's stunning, but because I want to hear it. I tell my son how smart he is or helpful he has been because I want to hear that, too. I cook and clean and do laundry to serve my family, but by golly it's nice when they help. I love buying little things for people, and I love getting little things as well. Sometimes I just want to cancel school so my kids and I can relax together. Quality time anyone? And let's just face it. My daughter loves to snuggle and I take every second. My son loves to hug me, and I hold him to me, though he's getting too large. Throughout my day I can find each and every love language coming from me and to me. I guess I'm becoming more and more complicated. On Monday I may be craving physical touch. On Tuesday I just might need act of service. Wednesday would be a good day to tell me how smart and pretty I am. And next week, that all could change. I think deep down we know that we need to be spoken to in all five languages. I've seen people that are 100% physical touch people. That is where they are comfortable. Physical touch can only happen if you're together. And though they may be spending time together, and are receiving physical touch, is it quality time? They go hand in hand. But even as you hold someone's hand, isn't it nice to be told words of affirmation, letting you know that they are happy to be with you? Have you ever been sitting with someone when you feel down and they keep talking about all the wonderful parts of their life? At one point do you think, "Can they see me? Do they just not care that I'm unhappy? Are they avoiding it?" That leads to more questions about the relationship. I have sat across the table from friends and they can tell that I'm not chipper so they drive the conversation. Let's face it, they don't want a Debbie Downer in their life! That's when I put them in the "they like to take" section of friends. Because at some point, they notice. Isn't that all we want? We want to be seen. If we're seen, we can be known. If we're known, there is no question of quality time or words of affirmation or gifts to be given. When someone looks at you, and sees you, they know how to speak to you. They know when to tell you that you you're pretty or buy you something pretty. They know when a hug is needed or when it is not the right time. Love isn't about hearts, chocolates, and $4.99 greeting cards. Love is about knowing. And that's all forms of love - significant others, parent/child, friends. Love is giving not just your best, but speaking your best in the language someone needs. Love is prioritizing. There is balance in love. I encourage you all to seek the way you love, and learn the way you hope to be loved. Here we are. It's 2020. Females across the country are dialing in on being #BossBabe or #goalgetter. Our empowerment no longer comes from the burning of bras (thank God). We are inundated with the direct sales bosses of America. From spices to cookware, books and skin care, we don't need to leave the house again! Well, Amazon Prime could make us all hermits. But I digress.
In this world of achievement, I have found that I too want to rule the day, rather than let it rule me. I have decided that this year I want to focus on efficiency. I know, I know, many of you probably think that's been my focus for years. It has been a thought, but not a focus as it should be. Why should I focus on efficiency? I'm home all day, right? And if something doesn't get done all will still be alright. I know those words. There are many that want to clap me on the back for what I do, but the truth of it is, there are too many hours spent on Facebook, wandering the kitchen, and pondering what I will do when I finally do something. Recently I have decided to shift my focus. I felt like too many times I was overwhelmed and busy. I had laundry waiting on me that I would do in between running around and clients. I would be waiting until dinner time to clean the floors because time just slipped away. Or, my favorite, I spent too much time helping my kids with their schoolwork to get my work done. That is literally the definition of homeschooling. Ugh. That guilt is what motivated me to rethink my priorities. Since shifting my focus, I have found my afternoons filled with hopscotch, walks, and a sense of rest. Don't get me wrong, I am horribly confused when I have time to just sit in front of the TV with the kids, but it feels great. So how did I shift? We all know that my kids are the priority. If they weren't I would have walked their booties to the school already and enjoyed a cup of coffee before a run while the sun is actually up. But just because they were at my table didn't mean they got first pick. Too often I would say the words, "Just skip it. I need to get some work done." My menial work, which may (Lord willing) expand into greatness at some point but has not produced the fruit yet was getting my first choice. So, do I sit and wait for them to say, "I need help?" Heck no! I get to work! But I now start with the things I can't take with me. For example, I know that I have a minimum of two hours of work outside with clients. I know I have a minimum of 25 minutes of driving time. I have a chore list of dishes and laundry. Neither of those can be done while I'm working or driving. So, they get moved up. However, even as I fold laundry, if one of them needs my un-devoted attention, they get it. Their education is more important than folded boxer shorts. Once school is secured and locked down, I can focus on things like laundry and dishes. If those are completed, then I get the chance to move onto my work. One thing I have found is that if it is computer based, do it first! I have spent a few nights at the dance studio with my laptop, and let me tell you - I hate it. I hate bringing it with me. I hate the idea that some child might knock it and make me lose my grip. I hate thinking that I might set it down to help one of my children and find it on the floor busted up. It's added stress that is completely unnecessary. So, as I type this blog, there is laundry folded, laundry in the dryer, laundry in the washing machine. Two children are sitting and working on either side of me while I type. I'm ready for whatever questions they ask. Yes, this was interrupted a few times. The first interruption was folding laundry. The many interruptions after were school based. But, this is about wrapped up and I won't have to bring my laptop anywhere. Phew. Last week I brought up the concept of giving your best to those who deserve it most. Being efficient can also work for giving your best. My time is focused on who it should be focused on, when it is most necessary. I then have time to read and write during dance classes or Tae Kwon Do. I can get my work done while the ones who need my attention are busy doing what they love. Is it a sacrifice to have a pile of work to do later in the afternoon, sure. But is it worth it? Without a doubt. I want to give my best and do my best. My efficiency has led to more fun, more snuggles, and less stress for all three of us. Less stress means more of the best. |
AuthorI have a lot to say about a lot of things. Archives
May 2023
Categories |