Life is hard.
I feel like I can just leave those three words and walk away and all of my 2.7 readers (I don't know why one of you is now only seven tenths of a human, but you are) will be fine with the simplicity and profundity that those words are. I won't, however. Today is Thursday. Thursday is blog day. Sure you may or may not know that. You may or may not care. I do. I feel it is the little bit of consistency I need in my life to make sure that my writing game stays on point. Last week I did not post a blog. I almost had one waiting in the wings to come out for Thursday. I almost made it Friday. Then I realized that my point was better made by doing this today. One week from my missed post. Two weeks since my last. Again, this may not seem important since I have switched my blog days countless times previously, but this is where I am. One week ago, my son turned eight. This isn't some remarkable fete. He had a birthday. He has had seven before this one. You know the drill. Despite it being his birthday, the child still had school. This wasn't an issue when he was in public school, but now that he is a home schooled child he thought he might be able to get away with it. Nope. We carried on. I chose not to. Wednesday night my husband snapped at me for asking for help decorating the house so late at night. "Why must we always do things so late?" My response was simple, "Because I am waiting for him to go to bed!" There was nothing I enjoyed more on my birthday than waking up and seeing the simple "Happy Birthday" sign hanging in our apartment, and then our house. I wanted Caleb to have the same. Doing the work Wednesday night left Thursday more of the day for me to enjoy being teacher mom. My children see me working constantly. When I make a choice to put away my work, it shows them they I am putting them before myself and before my work. I am sure that at his age he didn't notice. I'm sure he will never notice (he's a guy). But I still must make the choice. As a parent, our lives are nothing but choices. Well, at least that is what I believe it should be. When my mother was growing up, Dr. Spock took the nation by storm. And in one swoop he destroyed the rolls of parents and children. Not to be dramatic, but if I were a parent then I might have screamed, "Anti-Christ!" Parents went from complete control and do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do to anarchy. The world of "Because I said so" was slipping through the grasps of parents everywhere. And just like that the choices were left to the children and not the parents. How many times have you been somewhere fun and heard the parent ask the child, "Are you ready to go, now?" I usually answer before the child can - no. No, your child does not want to leave the playground, the pool, the jump castle, or anything else that is more fun than the living room. I hear parents ask their children questions that need to be turned around and stated. When did telling children what to do become such a terrible thing? Oh yeah, Mr. I didn't like my butt getting spanked Spock. Did it ever occur to Spock that parents tell kids what to do not because they're mean but because they're loving? As humans we all want to rebel. We all want to get out on the high way and press the limit. We want to eat nothing but cake and ice cream for dinner. We want to stay up watching TV past our bedtime. But as adults, we know the consequences. We know that driving too fast could end up in a wreck. We know that dinner of sweets will lead to diabetes. And we know that staying up late will make it harder to get up in morning which will lead to tardiness and consequences will continue to trickle down. As parents, we need to teach our children the reasons before the consequences take over. (Now don't get me wrong. Sometimes they need to get the belly ache to realize that we actually know what we're talking about when they say they want more candy and they need to stop. I'm all for consequences.) I believe it is our job to let them know what the impending consequences are before they get there. If they still choose that route, then sometimes they just need to reap what they sow. I made a choice last week to not blog for my son to know his birthday matters to me. I'm making a choice today to blog to let my children know that sometimes you just have to keep working if you want something great in life. Each of our choices as parents now takes on new meaning. Are we setting the example? Are we keeping things from them? Are we making choices that benefit them as children? And how much weight should we give their responses/reactions to our decisions? How much should we care about what they are gleaning from each choice? My, oh, my how this never ends. Hopefully. Hopefully, as a parent, this will never end. I hope that the decisions I make in twenty years will positively effect my children. I hope that I'm the person they come to when they need to make their own choices. Life is hard. We make hard choices. We will always wonder if we have made the right choices. But there's no going back now. We press on and push forward.
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Every since childhood I have associated songs with different events in life. I know I'm not the only one, but truly music resounds within me. My soul longs for good music on a daily basis. I can tell when I haven't been singing and dancing to the music I need.
It also seems that for a time, there are songs that fit with what I need. I know that many might think that it was the music that moved me from one state of being to another. Some would argue that the music of my depression is what brought me to depression. I argue it's what brings me out. Regardless, here we are once again in a time where a song is really speaking to my life. From the get go I know that there will be backlash from people. Because of my faith, I should be listening to nothing but the "Christian" stations. Well, that's not happening. There are only so many times you can hear the same six songs before you're tired of them. Unfortunately that means that they lose meaning in my life. Christian radio stations have a way of killing spirit led music. There is such a thing as overplayed. We understand that songs can be too repetitive so just indulge me. A few weeks ago I heard a song by Panic! At the Disco called, "High Hopes." In typical Jewel form I heard it and thought it sounded interesting, but didn't really care. Then one day I was driving home from the Winter Farmer's Market when the song came on. I listened a bit more intently to the words. (Maybe I heard them because the kids weren't in the car with me for once.) One line really spoke to me. Here's the chorus. Had to have high, high hopes for a living Shooting for the stars when I couldn't make a killing Didn't have a dime, but I always had a vision Always had high, high hopes Had to have high, high hopes for a living Didn't know how, but I always had a feeling I was gonna be that one in a million Always had high, high hopes One line popped out - Didn't have a dime, but I always had a vision. It isn't just because I've been broke for the majority of my adult years that this line speaks to me. It's the combination of it all. True, I have big aspirations. True, many require more money than we have to invest. But what's more true, is the vision. You don't need money when you have a vision. What's more - you don't need money when you have a God given vision. When God writes it on your heart and you can see the path or maybe a ledge or the final stage, you have to take it and go with it. As my writing career grows, so does my vision. It's becoming trickier and trickier. I had hoped to have a novel published by now. That is now a small blip on the radar. Children's books are becoming an area that I enjoy more and more. (Shh! Don't tell people. I don't want my kid hating reputation to be ruined. Let's face it, kids are still terrible, but I now blame the parents more and more, not the kids.) And now I have books that are inspired of God that I never even thought of. Naturally. If I had thought of them, it wouldn't have been of God. So here I am over and over replaying "High Hopes." It's fine with Caleb, but AJ is starting to get over it. I just can't. Not right now. Right now, in this time of my life and stage of my career, I need to hear these words over and over. I don't need money - wellllll - I know God will provide what is necessary. I need to maintain the vision. What is the end result? What is the next ledge to climb to? I don't believe I'll be the one in the million like he sings about. I just know that I have a purpose. I have a God given vision. I have to hold on to the hope that he will get me to the next ledge if I follow in the footsteps he's giving me. And I know for the rest of my life, I will hear "High Hopes" and get to work. In today's society every one has something wrong with them. I know, blanket statements are a terrible thing. But let's face it, there amount of ADHD and ADD diagnosis have skyrocketed. Anxiety and depression are common household terms. What's the reason? Well, we have more research and labels for things. I once had a client that would say that cancer has always been around, we just didn't call it that. She looked at how many people died "of natural causes" and knew that they all died from what we're dying from, they just didn't have the tools and research to create a name for each reason. I loved her after she said it. I have felt the same way. I know I can fall under the ADD umbrella, but that wasn't an option as a child. If my parents had me tested as a tween, I can't imagine what would have come of it.
I don't think it ends there. Now that there are more terms, research, awareness, etc., there are more people self diagnosing. Many times the self diagnosing leads to people going to a doctor to get the medication they need to move on. Other times people just say they know they have it and continue on with life. I have been in the latter group for many years. And though I know that I have battled depression and won (some battles come back), I never got the diagnosis from a doctor. Until recently that is. After extensive testing and questioning, my neurologist gave me the results of my neuro/psychological exam. I was told I have depressive disorder. I was told I have ADD tendencies. And with that I could choose self regulate, or opt for meds. You know me, I can handle it myself. Been doing so for decades, thank you very much. What does this have to do with anything? Well, recently I took a trip to Massachusetts. I drove up Friday and back Monday. Tuesday morning we reached South Carolina. I was constantly changing the radio stations to find something of interest. I had it on some channel, but wasn't paying attention. We stopped for gas and decided it was time to get back on the road. That's when things got bad. This good-ole-boy, country bumpkin, radio pastor said these words, "It is impossible to be depressed and grateful." I think Jesus had that timed perfectly because I was so angry with this man that I was wide awake after that. Honestly, it made me fume. This was thrown at me constantly from church people. If only I had more joy from the Lord, I wouldn't be so depressed. People don't understand depression. They throw it around willy nilly. There are times where people will go through a season of depression. But that is not clinical depression. Depression is not just being sad. Wah. People who have never experienced true depression need not speak about what is needed to get through depression. There. I said it. Southern preacher, I'm sorry you were real sad. But gratitude did not get me through depression. And yes, there were times in my continual-this-is-my-life depression that I was grateful. I was grateful that I had friends that looked in on me. I was grateful for sports that distracted me from all of it, or forced me to bed early so that I couldn't stay up until 3am watching movies that wrecked me more. I was grateful all the time. But gratefulness did not keep me from depression. In fact, the voices in my head made it worse. It was the voice telling me that I was letting those people down. It was a voice reminding me that I wouldn't always have sports to distract me. I was told again and again that I was a failure because I knew what to be grateful for, I knew all the people who loved me, I knew all of the blessings I had, and I was blowing it. I still couldn't get out of my own head. The voices beat me down over and over. Unless you are someone that has experienced the oppression of depression, I'm sorry, but you won't understand. You can gather information. You can watch it in others. Things can be pieced together, but it is something that comes at you when you don't expected and often don't understand it. Today people like to believe that they have everything under the sun wrong with them. WebMD is everyone's best friend. I myself have done the searches and wandered amongst them. I accepted the diagnosis of fibromyalgia just out of thankfulness for an answer. At least now I wasn't crazy about the lightning strikes in my legs. I accepted their diagnosis of depressive disorder because it did acknowledge the presence of depression in my life without saying that I was still going through it. (I love to win.) I was grateful for the mention of ADD and even laughed. Anyone who has been with me for 24 hours can see that with ease. It was relief to know that someone agreed with my crazy. That is actually what helped me overcome. It wasn't knowing. It wasn't joy, gratefulness, or any other Christ like quality. When I knew that others believed I was depressed, and stopped telling me to have more joy, I didn't feel like I was faking it. I knew that so many would say they were depressed, but I also knew it was only a season for them. I knew mine went deeper. Right now, we need to know what we are to accept. I hear all the time about anxiety. Is this a continual anxiety or is it situational? Are you depressed in a season, or do we need the battle axes? Are you distracted because of the stress of life, or is your brain wired a little differently? So many people claim these downfalls as an excuse. I never did. I claimed them to overcome them. I labeled them to know how to fight them. Yeah, we all have problems. I won't argue that. The issue is the root and the solution. And if you aren't a part of the solution, if you bring nothing to the table, maybe you're part of the problem. |
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May 2023
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