Well, life is a constant kick in the pants, isn't it?
I had a nice little fluff piece for this week's blog. A point to be made, but cute and fun with the point. Then Texas. I felt the urge to write about what happened in Texas, what has happened in too many schools. And I realized I can't. I still have my babies. My husband came home from work. What could I say? So I want to address not just this situation, but many situations that leave me saying, "I can't talk about it." My faithful readers are often reminded of my struggles through anxiety and depression, with a goal of informing you. I have heard from some of you with thankful hearts that my writing has helped you better understand, and that makes me happy. So, for those of you that don't find it helpful, too bad. Here comes another one. As the tragedy unfolded about the shooting in Texas, I found myself repelling, retreating, disengaging from the world around me. Seems a little harsh, right? This is a time I should be holding my children and teaching them to do better and be better. But I just can't. For many of us with anxiety/depression, we live in emotions. Many of which are real emotions, true to the situation, and some that are ours to believe despite evidence against us. We're always on our guard. We assume that something we said two weeks ago in passing is now going to ruin the lives of our children. It's unreasonable. We are aware. We can't control. Hopefully, though we work through it to see the truth. Regardless, there are a lot of emotions, thoughts, and energy flowing through us at all times. It's a lot. So when these big ticket items - things that register deeply on normal people scales - come into play, many of us seek solitude. We don't wish to talk about it. We're struggling to wrap our minds around it. We aren't running away from the problem. We're processing it. We're taking things in. We're gauging our reactions. We're empathizing with families. We are struggling. If we engage with others on the topic, there's a good chance we won't come back up. We'll drown in our sorrow. We will be ready to talk. We will be able to discuss the issues at hand surrounding it all. But it will take us a little longer. Don't cast us aside. Don't bring your judgment. We know that how we deal is not what you consider normal. We don't force you to do things according to OUR normal. Let us be. We'll come back. But at this point, you have probably noticed the pattern. We "shut down" during these crucial times. But maybe, just maybe, our anxiety is keeping us from saying something we might regret later.
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I've always been unpopular, so why try to change that now. What I'm about to write is going to make people mad. Hopefully, it will also make people think.
My son cannot seem to point his feet or his legs. It drives me crazy. A full year after me telling him that his feet are not pointed, he still cannot point them as they should be for the art of ballet. He thinks he is, but he isn't. So, he needs to work on strength and flexibility. Easy enough, right? Guess not. It's the same for much of health and fitness. There is a goal at hand. We must work for the goal. It will take dedication. After time, we hope we are closer to the goal than the starting point. But physical changes seem to be easier to tackle. It's the changes in us mentally and emotionally that we have a harder time with. Probably because they wrap more around our sense of self. (Disclaimer at this point- please read it all. I know some of you will be mad. I understand. But please, please read it all.) Lately the hot topic is what? That's right, abortion. I see this as a sticky situation. I know! I know! But I asked you to read it all!! For many people, the idea of abortion is a cut and dry. As someone who grew up in the church, my first reaction is simple. Abortion = bad. Killing of babies = bad. Killing of unborn life = bad. Simple. Regardless of the situation, I still hold on to this mindset. I don't think it's right to take that life. But! Ah, the existential but. I've never been placed in a situation where abortion was on the table for me and my body. I chose my children. I still do. And I would again. And if I were to become pregnant again (insert boisterous HA!) I would keep that child. But I am a 37 year old woman who knows herself. I know my God. I know my family. I know the blessing that can come from this situation. I have never been raped, thank the Good Lord. I have never had to deal with that mental and emotional waterfall of pain. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like to live with that pain for the rest of my life. And if impregnated by the rapist? Wow. From the outside, I say keep that child. It's a miracle. That baby, your story, it can all be for the glory of God. It can all be used for good. Don't let this happen! I'm still on the outside. I don't believe that abortion should be used as a "I was irresponsible" fix. It shouldn't be a "the condom broke and now I'm not ready" solution. If two people enter the ring together, they know the potential outcome of the dance. Taking one life because you were not prepared is not okay. When it comes to children that will have a lower quality of life, I still say, keep the baby! Again, I have not experienced this pain, but I have watched. I have watched my friends keep their baby until birth. I have seen life taken in mere days. I have seen poor quality of physical life, but rich in spiritual! I have seen friends and teammates live hard lives with difficulties I cannot imagine. They thrive! They press on. They are remarkable. I thank God for their push in this unfair life. The biggest problem I see is not keep the baby (whether to raise or give for adoption) but whether the mother to be is supported properly. We forget that this is not a battle of flesh and blood, but of the spirit. Those rooted in Christ will rarely choose abortion. When I see people stating their case for abortion, what I see is a call for help. I see people that made choices because they don't have God. I see people that don't have physical help - parents, families, partners - that will be with them through the upbringing of a child. I see people that don't have mental support - families, counselors - that help them to understand who they are. And again, I see people without spiritual support - church, families, the Holy Spirit - that can lead them in the quiet strength they need. When someone is against abortion, I understand why. When someone is for abortion, I sometimes understand why. For some people, pregnancy and childbearing is more than they can handle. I can try to put myself in the shoes of a 14 year old girl that was raped by a family member, but the Lord has blessed me and kept me from that tragedy. I can give my thoughts and opinions, but I have not experienced that pain. If we have illegal abortions, we must also have stricter penalties for sexual assault, abuse, rape. We must also have better health care - physically and mentally. And we must be actively portraying the LOVE OF CHRIST and not the judgment of pharisees. Lately I've been thinking about some experiences I had in high school. Experiences, and people, that tried to break me. And one popped to my brain while I was working out and when I revisited this situation, I started to see something that was a bit odd to me.
Here's what happened: One morning I was sitting in English when the vice principal came to the room. He called me out and we started walking to his office. He told me he had called my mom and she was on her way. Once we were all sitting around his desk, he played some messages left on his answering machine the night before. A female voice claimed to be me. The girl was threatening suicide. She made multiple calls and left at least three messages saying that she was starting the tub, she was going to cut her wrists, and he needed to call to stop it. The answering machine happily told us the times of the phone calls. "Do you have anything you want to say about this?" "Last night, during the time of those phone calls I was in Abington playing a basketball game." "Oh. That's right." "No offense, but if I was planning to kill myself and was expecting someone to stop me, I wouldn't call the vice principal, and especially at night when he wouldn't be in his office. Seems a little odd." "Good point. Do you know who would do this?" "Yup. Megan Forde." "Why?" "How should I know? It's kind of a weird thing to do to try to get me in trouble. But I bet someone can identify the voice." I was released from the office. That was it. No more was ever spoken of it - outside of me telling friends and whatnot. Why did this come to mind? I'm actually pissed off by his reaction/response to the threat of suicide. He thought the best thing to do was to punish me for the phone calls. Did it not cross his mind that if it really were me, that maybe I did need help? His concern was not for my well being or if I was suicidal (fun fact, I was). His concern was that I was prank calling the school. There's a lot to unpack there, but when I made this realization, I got angry. One thing I have noticed is that people don't always know how to respond to bad situations. Especially people that care about the hurting person. There's this idea that adults are supposed to protect children (which I stand with) and when they don't/can't/missed something, there's a lot of anger and frustration. Unfortunately, in their struggle to figure it all out, they usually release that frustration on the child accidentally. It may come as disbelief, justification, or just frustration. But it leaves an impression that the child is not validated. There is where the trauma grows. What would have happened if the vice principal didn't take me out of class in anger? What if he checked on me immediately and asked me if I was okay? What if he brought the counselor with to talk to me? What if? It's too late now for me to change the narrative. But it's not too late for me to change the cycle. My family has recently finished up the dance competition season for our team. And boy did I struggle this year. Last year we found ourselves racing back and forth to the dressing room to change and go on stage within minutes due to covid changes. This year, things ran like they used to, which means more time to sit and watch dances. That's the hardest part.
We live in a society that is finally taking a stand against the outrageous treatment of women and girls. We are bringing to light the pedophilia issues in this country and others. We are outraged by the sexualization of children. And then we go to dance competitions. Sometimes I felt like the competitions were simply there to help groom children for a future of debauchery. I know that sounds harsh, but if you had only seen. Little girls - under the age of 8 - are wearing skimpy glittery outfits. They pop on stage and shake their rump. Moms cheer. "Get it girl!" and "Yes, ma'am!" echo through the audience. Dads call out, "Let's go!" They do some tricks. Shake some more. Give duck-faced pouty lips to the judges and big over-the-top smiles. Then they walk off the stage like they own it. Children. Tiny little undeveloped babies shake their booties and chest for a line of judges and cat-calling parents. Then those same routines win. They win for the stage presence, and they executed the tricks. And just like that we have reinforced that small outfits, high energy, and sexuality are winners. And I get sick. You cannot blame the children. They're children. They (unless they're like mine) do not know any better. They are following orders and doing what is designed for them. I blame the parents for allowing it, and encouraging it. I blame the choreographers for allowing children to do those things. I blame studios for not holding choreographers accountable. I blame the competitions for allowing the "maturity" level to rise. Somewhere along the way, parents forgot to protect their children. To stand up for innocence. They have chosen to win at all cost. What will it cost? What will become of these girls? These girls are taught to move in sexual ways while wearing little clothing. They get cheers for it. They are judged on it. They are being told that sex sells. They don't even know it. They have no idea. It's harmless for them. They go on stage, shake a bit, and walk off. And everyone says how much they love it. The worst part is that it will continue. Parents won't say no if the studio says it will win. Judges won't take off points if the routine is done well. It will never end. But I wish it would. It's too late for my children, but I pray that an end will come. I pray that innocence will be restored. |
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May 2023
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