Alright, let's tie it all together.
Parents today are enabling children. Why? I'm not here to blame, but I think it's important to be honest. Generations before us have been more strict. There have been rules. There was respect. There was discipline. Then someone came in and said that discipline hurt children's feelings and we should stop. Enter in the Time Out of parenting. The problem was that some parents, not many but some, were abusive. They hit. They beat. They screamed into faces and shoved into walls. But that was not the majority. Yes, those people are monsters. But they were not the majority. A spanking taught a child that they should not do something. Minds that lacked reasoning and understanding needed something simple to help them understand right from wrong. It's an immediate consequence. It teaches a lesson. But it isn't all about the discipline choices. A lot of it is about communication. I remember when my son read Little House on the Prairie for school. I had never read it growing up. I had to read it with him. The amount of times the idea of seen-and-not-heard was brought up was shocking. I mean, I know I grew up with it. I know it's how I was raised. But I had never really seen it as a lesson in a book for kids to live by. That has changed. Some for the good, some not at all. Kids who were told to sit down and be quiet became kids that said, "I won't treat my kids that way. They'll have a voice. They'll have a say!" Again, parent is a noun and a verb. We can't let kids rule the house. It doesn't work. Adults should have life experience, knowledge, wisdom, and be able to guide their children in a proper way to live. That's why kids don't need to share their opinion on everything. They don't have the experience and wisdom. Parents should be teaching their children how to make decisions and the difference of right and wrong. But we have far too many households where the kids reign. Everything from what's for dinner to what is on the TV to where are we going on vacation gets voted on, and often dominated by children. I think this is where there should be balance. If I'm cooking dinner for my family, I'm cooking dinner. If I ask them what they want for dinner, it isn't a dead set that they will get what they want, but maybe I'm just brain dead and don't know. They may even come to me and ask if we could have something for dinner, when they do, they add the words "please," and "soon". It isn't, "I want spaghetti for dinner." It's "Mom, can you please make spaghetti sometime soon?" Question versus statement. Okay, that's a silly example (though necessary). But what about some bigger things? Depression isn't new. But it hasn't been a topic of conversation until recently. Why? We didn't talk about such things. Everything was swept under the rug. And any mental health discussions were kept in the house. Obviously there was no internet for us to share our world with, but there also wasn't genuine face to face conversation with friends and loved ones about depression, struggles, or anything else that would create a weird tension within the group. Quite frankly, that was personal. We don't share personal items. It isn't for the world to know. And to an extent, yes, I agree. You do not need to share all of your life with the world. BUT! I've always wondered what it would be like if I had been able to share with someone my struggles. What if my friends knew that I wanted to die? Would I have grown deeper relationships? Would my teachers have understood me better? Would it have mattered? I don't know. But I see teenagers now who are getting help. The stigma is taken away when it comes to mental health. We don't have to sweep it under the rug. There's hope. No generation is perfect. There isn't a single generation that has done right as a whole. But each generation has the chance to do better. I was always told we study history so we don't make the same mistakes. It was always presented in a "Hitler was bad" format, but to be clear, we are all a part of history. We are all making ripples into the world that will last. Are we willing to look at the generations before us, and the people who weren't famous, to help figure out a better path? This is our chance. What mark will we leave on society?
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We interrupt your anger reading with a purposeful tangent.
All of these little things that are seemingly harmless may one day add up. One day it's carrying your kid's backpack. The next day is answering their texts during class. And out of nowhere your kid gets fired from working at a chain restaurant. Hmm... that escalated quickly. Let's see, you taught your child that they don't have to be responsible for their personal items. You taught your child that if something is difficult, you'll do it for them. You taught your child that they don't have to follow rules if it doesn't fit with what they want. You taught your child that you would clean up their mess. You didn't mean to, but it happened. I know, this is a bit of a stretch, but is it? My real purpose in pointing this out is that parents today have a lack of intention. Honestly, many people go through life with few to no intentions. It's sad. It's hurtful. As a parent, you should be intentional. You choose your words carefully. You choose punishments with a purpose. You make dinners and go grocery shopping with intentions. Or at least you should. I see a lot of parents that let their kids eat whatever they want. Hello, childhood obesity and early diabetes diagnosis. I see a lot of parents that will give the same disciplinary action for every single infraction. But that isn't how life works. Different actions have different consequences. What is it this time? No screen? No phone for the night? That'll teach them. Especially since you'll give the phone back in the morning so you know they are safe when they go to school. Man, how did we ever survive going to school without a cell phone in our pockets. (If you didn't visualize a look of disdain laced with sarcasm and a hint of an eye roll, you might not get me.) Many people go through life with a mindset of "Do no harm." As long as the action, words, whatever, doesn't actively do harm, I'm fine. Right? But I ask this - we may not intend to do harm, but do we intend to do good? You see, that's the point. The philosophy of do no harm keeps us from being intentional in go do good. And grammatically, I mean "good" not "well." It isn't, go do well on your schoolwork. It's go, do good. Bring good. Change the world. Be intentional. It is my deepest belief that so much of life's troubles stem from unintentionallity. I don't believe that is a word, but it will be for me! Let's look at the most common problems of American adults. Poor money habits/debt Divorce Broken relationships: parent/child, sibling, friendships Addiction: drug, alcohol, social media Pick one of those and ask, "What if?" What if we are intentional in our money habits? Paycheck comes in. 10% to tithing Pay bills % to needs % to saving Repeat. If we do that every time, we know where our money is going. We know about how much is being saved. If we know how much we are saving, we know if we are saving in stocks or an account, or for a trip, or... When the car starts to die, it isn't a trouble. You have x amount saved aside. Fix the car. Move on. People are a little harder. But what if we were intentional in our relationships? Call to check in. Text message of support. Bringing over flowers or a treat for no reason. You can live a life that doesn't harm your friend, but are you actively going and doing good? You can live a life of no harm in your job, but are you intentionally trying to end the gossip? mend fences? hang out with the outcast? Sure, this matters as a parent. More importantly it matters as a human. Where are you being intentional? Where are you drifting through life? I can tell you this - living a do no harm life, becomes harmful very quickly, usually when we least expect it. Why? Well, it wasn't our intention. Hopefully we left off last week with a hint of curiosity mixed with agitation. That's good. That means you're thinking. If you were completely offended, well, get over yourself. If you don't have a dog in the fight, but like to watch things play out, welcome.
So, last week we talked about carrying school bags for children. I ended the post with the statement that I will not enable my children. It seems a bit of stretch to go from carrying your kid's backpack to being an enabler. Let me unpack it for you. As you read this keep some things in mind - I am still around children all the time, despite not being a teacher anymore. My husband is still in public schools. My kids are heavily involved in dance. And I am, unfortunately, still a tutor. Alice picked up her son's bag from next to my dining room table. She walked to the door, while her son Jerome finished the last problem on his page and followed her out the door. I thought Alice must be in a rush. But then it happened again. Alice carried his bag from my floor to her car. Now, Jerome is not a little boy. He's finishing the third grade. He is stocky and strong. His bag is not heavy. But every single day I watch Alice carry his backpack. She carries it to the bus stop. She carries it to her car. She carries it all the time. Her claim: to help Jerome. Jerome doesn't need help. I learn more about the family. Jerome has an older brother Mike. Mike is not a go getter in the classroom. He often forgets his homework at the house and asks Alice to bring it to the school. If she refuses, he asks her to scan it and email it to the teacher. She does. Sometimes Mike doesn't manage his time well. He enters class and just after the bell rings for class to begin, he is trying to leave for the restroom. The teacher, wanting to teach (how dare they!), asks Mike to wait. Mike texts Alice to tell her that the teacher won't let him go to the bathroom. Alice calls the school. Bathroom denial is unacceptable. Except - Mike had time before class. Mike should have remembered his paper. Mike thinks that Alice will always rescue him. I spoke with Mike at a tutoring session (yes, I took on both children). I asked him about his plans for the future. He was quite sure of himself. He was going to take over the family business. Sounded good. I asked him who would take care of the books, as he was struggling with algebra. He figured his mom would. He didn't think about the fact that if his father was retiring his mother would too. Mike just grew up thinking his mom would always take care of whatever he couldn't. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I think it's funny that Alice is always helping her boys at a young age for things they don't need help with, only for them to grow older and expect her to help. Well, hop, hop, hop. I guess I will jump to that conclusion. Alice created a home that wouldn't allow for her children to fail. She picked up the slack. She picked up more than just a backpack. I became a tutor for her family because she didn't want her son to fail. I get that. Nobody wants that. But as I learned more and more about the help that was received during homework, it showed me that she was giving answers, not helping. Alice isn't alone. Again, I'm a tutor because parents don't know how to help their kids without giving answers. But in tutoring, I have seen so many parents enable their children. They don't allow their child to fail. Honestly, I fail all the time. Still. as an adult. And you know what? I don't go off the rails on a drinking binge, or shopping spree. Failure is part of life. I know that. Every human needs to learn that. Keeping children from failure keeps them from reality. They are unable to cope with failure as adults when they don't deal with failure as a child. So let the kid carry their own bag. Let the child struggle to walk to the bus stop. Let the kid ask his own teacher for help, not you setting up a meeting. If you want to help your child, help them figure out the answers to their problems. |
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May 2023
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