Recently I wrote a blog post that didn't post. I worked and crafted to say everything I needed to say. It ran within the column of my battle with depression, and gave a little background of a middle school experience. I worked hard. I needed those words to come out.
I pressed "Post." It gave the ever-beloved circle of wait that computers have taught us to hate. I was patient. I moved to the dining room hoping for better wifi activity. I waited. It never posted. I was angry. My goodness I was angry. I worked so hard for nothing. I couldn't cross it off of my to do list because it wasn't done. Argh! Naturally I wondered why it didn't post. I came to the conclusion that what I had written was so good, so powerful, so moving, that the devil didn't want that piece to make it out into the open. Buuuuuttt... Maybe it wasn't that. It took me a while to get what I wanted to say out. It took me a while to feel like things were right. There was a lot of rewriting. Twerking in the non-Miley way. Normally, I don't feel that heaviness and struggle when I write. Perhaps it wasn't the devil trying to stop me. So I did nothing. I let myself mellow out and refocused for the "Friday Blog" I do. Days passed and I was okay with the fact that it had vanished from the screen, never to be read again. Then the other day I was tutoring, and in the background was reruns of How I Met Your Mother. Robin cheated on her boyfriend. She wanted to come clean. He stopped her with these words - "Just because something needs to be said, doesn't mean it needs to be heard." Maybe the post I wrote wasn't for anyone but for me. I didn't have to get into my personal details to return to the point that God wasn't done with me then, nor is He done with me now. I needed to relive that story. To tell it one more time. I needed to hear the ending of the story again - God has work for me to do. Nobody got to read the story, but you can read the ending. A huge part of my battle with depression has been won by the fact that God has work for me to do. So I need to do it. There's work for you to do as well. I hope that you will do it also.
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Growing up I was a tom-boy. In high school I was a jock. I knew where I stood. I wasn't in the popular crowd. I wasn't really in any crowd. I was a bit of a loner. But no matter where I went, people knew I was an athlete. It made college difficult, and has even hurt in my adult life. It's a stigma. I saw it just this morning as I ran home from dropping Caleb off at school. A woman with a different figure gave me the up down, and sneered. Like I offended her for running home.
It sucks when you have a given name sometimes. People put you in that mold and you aren't allowed out. When people see me then find out I'm a writer, the first thing they think is that I write fitness. Not exactly. Women's fiction, beach reads, oh and a series of children's books. The looks I have gotten over the past year have been interesting. So I fight the mold of athlete because that is all people see. But really, I should embrace it more. I am athletic. I love to workout. And most importantly, at the end of the day, I have a different name given to me by someone more important. When we dive into the Bible, we see that people were given different names by God. Abram became Abraham, his wife Sarai to Sarah. His grandson Jacob became Israel. Saul was changed to Paul, Cephas, Peter. My favorite is the added nickname for John (to determine which one) "The Beloved." God changes people's names. And the names change, after the life changes. Covenants were made. Appearances of God changed people's lives to the point that God needed to change their names. Okay, So God doesn't call me Kate or Jackie. He did change my name when I view myself. I'm no longer a wanderer, but a follower. I'm no longer lost, but found. I am a child of the God most high, not a child striving to make my parents proud. I'm a princess to the King of all, not a worn out mother trying to get by. Maybe you have a name that you can't shake. Maybe there is someone you once were, that you do not want to be. Let them say what they want. When all is said in done there is only one name you need to be known by. So when I'm only known to people as that workout chick, jock, or even loner, I don't let it get me down. There is One who calls me "His" and that is a name I can live with forever. Growing up, I assumed there was something wrong with me. I know, I know, you were in class with me and thought so too. But let me tell you why I thought things were screwy. I can have a conversation with myself at any time, for any length of time, any where, about anything. I'm that woman pushing the grocery cart with lips always moving. Thank goodness I'm a mom. I always have someone with me to say that I'm talking to. I always have someone in the back seat while I'm talking to myself in the car - it doesn't look as bad.
However, over the years, I've come to see how I'm not crazy for doing it. I'm playing back important parts of my life, or topics I want to write about. Sometimes I'm pretending to be on a TV show as a guest discussing my new book or series of kids' books. That may seem odd to you. You may even be someone who does it, but stifles it for fear of the looney bin. Why? I've come to learn that this is where creative juices flow. The tidal waves hit with ideas you wouldn't have come up with if you were just sitting and waiting. For some of us it may also help with the anxiety we have with talking to people or crowds. Mumbling to yourself in the mirror while you're getting ready may be exactly what you need. You can see your facial reactions and movements. Maybe you make a face every time you say a certain word and need to change it. (Like when I roll my eyes continually over just about anything.) As I've gotten older, I have come to learn that I am not alone in this. Many other people make themselves their own sounding board. I've recently dealt with some issues at my son's school. Children have said and done not so nice things to him. I won't go into details, but for almost 24 hours I talked to myself about it all. And when the principal called, I was prepared to say what needed to be said. I was my sounding board in troubled times. Don't you do that too? I know I have people in my life that do it, but I won't name names. There's a connection between the people that talk to themselves and myself. We're all creators in some way. We have our craft, be it one or more. When we allow ourselves to vent all the ideas, arguments, frustrations, and conversations in our minds, it allows us to focus on a point and work it out to completion. Painters create beautiful works, but I bet they talk to themselves beforehand. Think about how many thoughts pop into your head in a 30 minute drive. What happens to them? Most fly out your head and out the window. Some mean something to you and you store them. But what happens when you sit down to work? Those thoughts keep coming to the front of your mind. It distracts you. Like hunger. You need to feed your hunger to sit down and work or else all you'll want to do is go get food. It works the same way with our thoughts. So here I am, the crazy lady that talks to herself. I find myself doing it more and more. Perhaps I have so few people to talk to. Perhaps I have no desire to talk to other people and hear their opinions. Most of the time I think the conversations I have with myself would embarrass me if I ever said it out loud! I find myself in daydreams. I know, weird. Until one day I read that those who daydream are usually writers. (whew, that helps) People say there's a thin line between insanity and genius. The more I think about it, the more I understand exactly what they mean. I can't say I've produced anything that puts me in the genius category, but my continual work, the countless notebooks, and endless muttering definitely keeps me in the insane group. How many of us future geniuses are locked away in a padded room because we can't stop talking to ourselves?! I jest. In all seriousness, talking it out helps us put the pieces together. Maybe I am still weird. I mean, I do imagine myself on the Ellen show while her show gives away a copy of my book to everyone in the audience. Maybe I'm just preparing myself for what lies ahead. I feel weird when I do it. Many times I'm in mid conversation with myself when my husband walks by. "What's that?" "I didn't say anything," and my cheeks turn bright red. I'll leave it to you as to whether or not I'm a little messed up in the head. But I often wonder what life would be like if we all played out scenarios with ourselves when we're alone instead of scrolling our way to antisocialism. In a backwards complement, or at least I hope it was, I was once told my house was not clean. I didn't say anything because I knew what she was going for. I don't have a magazine home. I have a lived in home. I have a home that people walk into and sit down. It's nice. People feel comfortable here. But let's get one thing straight - my house is clean. it may get cluttered or disorganized, but it is clean.
For some reason, my cleaning schedule appeals to people. I can't take all the credit. Honestly, I can't take any credit. I learned it from watching my mom. Now, I may not keep it the same way, but the theme is there. What are the main things that need to be done to have a well cleaned, well managed house? Laundry, Dishes, Sweep/Mop, Vacuum, Cleaning the kitchen, and of course, cleaning the bathrooms. In my mind there are two way to do your list. If you work outside the home, you can wake up on a Saturday and get it all done at once - ugh. If you have the opportunity to, I suggest splitting it up. I don't necessarily suggest doing my schedule. I have created mine based on my work schedule and family time. You'll have to do the same. Anyhow - here's my schedule: Monday: Linen laundry, sort the laundry baskets, another load of laundry or two. Tuesday: Bathrooms, Sweep, Mop Wednesday: Vacuum Thursday: Second Linen load, sort laundry baskets, do a load or two or laundry Friday: Kitchen Saturday: Vacuum Let's be honest here, sometimes you sweep or vacuum on days that aren't the day because messes need to be cleaned up. And there is always cleaning. I dust randomly. I'm always moving things, reorganizing, and finding homes. The kitchen counters are cleaned far more times than just Friday, but that is the day to make sure ALL the counters, the stove, the sink and whatever else have a good scrubbing. The same holds true for the bathrooms. But having the schedule helps to create some peace amongst the chaos and angst that is cleaning. I load up my least favorites on Tuesday. I don't know why. It's just how it is. I had a different list years ago. It changes as life changes. Now the clutter. If your house is always a mess from old mail, kids' toys, shoes, and whatever else, you might need a change. I work with my children on this: If you want to play with something new, put away what you had out before. There's no sense in keeping the blocks out if you are about to play doctor. Put it away. Parents, teach your children to put things away when they are done with it. You are not their maid or servant. Give them the responsibility. They can do it. (And I mean from the age of 1.5 years.) When they pay the mortgage/rent, then they can leave their junk out. Your house, let it be cleaned up. And here's another one I love - nobody goes to bed until their things are put away. (This works for hubbies too.) We have a small house. We have four people. There is very little space for all our things. Thankfully, my mother loves to organize and I do too if it isn't too bad. As toys (and my supplies, I won't lie) change with seasons, it is okay to move things around. Make the most of your space. Give everything a home. Please, don't bless my mess. Help me clean it up, and I'll do the same for you. I had a post written for today, but I'm not sure I want to post it. I may still tomorrow, or later this evening as it is a light read, even for me. In light of the events of yesterday I wasn't sure how people would respond to me giving off lighthearted insights to me. However, when it comes tot he political realm, I am not one to make a post offering my opinions on who was right and who was wrong. It turns into debates I just don't want to have. So this is what I'll give you.
When people do not build their lives upon Christ, their lives become a series of pissing contests. And from what I've seen in my life, those who win are usually the ones that drink the most. The ones that drink the most are usually the ones that destroy the most lives around them. In political strategies, there are quite a few pissing contests. Even though you win the contest, you may ruin the lives of those around you in the process. Right now, I fear for my children. I have always had a fear of WWIII. This may be the start of it. It may not. Regardless of my political opinions, my faith is in Christ. I may fear war, but mostly for my children. What world will they grow up in? How will they get through to adulthood? We just don't know the answers to these questions. We don't know them, war or not. But as a mother, when war looks imminent, it brings more forward to the mind. It makes you fear. May I hold on to the strength of Christ and keep pressing forward in Him, whether we continue in daily lives, or have our world shaken by WWIII. I don't normally blog about fitness, but today I must. There's a big problem running rampant in our country. Misleading information. It is everywhere! For some reason, someone has signed me up for certain magazines. You know the ones - hot girl on the front wearing little, and those abs are sweet and sexy. Headlines plaster the cover: Lose weight!, Great Buns in 5 Moves!, and so many more.
Everywhere you look; Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and probably others that I don't have accounts with, they all share articles written about how to get the body you want. So what do we do? We read it. Oh, yes, that makes sense. I can do those moves. I wonder if that really works... Every article quotes someone. There's a doctor somewhere giving this information. Those moves come from the hot new trainer in L.A. Look, let's face it, for enough money people sign their names to anything. On top of that the resources and data are often minimal and unreliable. If you want to know what is going on, read journals. There are medical, nutritional, and fitness journals available to people everyone. Our minds are infiltrated by the constant flow of media. Within the media, there are presentations of how to be fit and healthy. However, so often what is given is misleading. Yes, those 5 moves listed on the cover of the magazine will give you great buns IF you also are doing the cardio that removes the fat off your body and eating well. And what happens if you do only those 5 moves for a month. Then what? Where do you go from there? The challenges that pop up on facebook: Squat, plank, sit up, push up. What do you do after week 4 of learning how to squat 200 times in a day? We are taught to go balls to the walls from the start. Well, eventually, we'll cap out. We hit the max. Our body doesn't change anymore. Why not? Without challenge there is no change. It works that way with everything we do. I teach my daughter to read and write starting with letters. We aren't sitting down ready Plato, though it wouldn't be the worst thing. We start at letters, move to sounds, sight words, reading those words in books and on signs. We put it all together until she learns to read books. Then we go to more challenging books. We must keep adding for our minds to expand. We must keep adding for our bodies to make changes. These drastic changes kill me. There has to be progression in each stage. Unfortunately, in order to change how we approach our health and fitness life, we have to change our mindset. We have to weed out the crazy instant fixes we see online. We have to wade through the slush of insanity to get to a healthy mindset. I'm going to share the number one thing I use to remind myself of how to do this the right way. Ready? Love your body. I know I know. You have some pudge in the middle. Your thighs rub together when you run. Mmhmm. I hear you. I'm with you. But think of it this way: You love your spouse, so what do you do? You take care of them. You help them with housework, chores, meals. You love your kids, so you feed them, clothe them, play with them, educate them. You love your job. You show up on time, smile, do your best when your there. When you take that love and place it on your body, great things will happen. You love your body. You appreciate how it can lift that weight. You love that your posture is great. You love your body by dressing it well, not hating that outfit. You feed it right. You take care of your body like you would your kids. When they have done too much, you make them rest. When they are sick you make them rest and eat right. So why don't you do that for yourself? My struggle is right along side you. I am currently in "recovery week." I have been pushing hard for months. I have been tracking my food and exercising. I went back to the heart rate monitor watch to track my calorie burn better. So this week, I am giving my body the chance to recover from hard workouts. I'm letting my muscles rest. I'm still eating well, probably less, but not tracking. I am allowing for my head to relax. At the end of this week if I gain a pound or two, so be it. If I lose a pound, woohoo. But I must rest. BUT GUESS WHAT I DID?! I did two difficult workouts Monday and Tuesday. Why? Because in my mind, it was "I would have done two workouts today, so at least this is less." There's also fear. I'm afraid a week off will kill my hard work. It won't. I know it won't. Truth is, I take a medicine that makes me gain weight (right now my left foot is swollen from water retention) and I don't know if I will keep gaining weight or just plateau. I use recovery weeks to try new workouts and play around, but often do not recover or rest. Well, as of yesterday afternoon I changed my mind. It is easy peasy from now on. Light exercises. Fun times. Actually recover. Please know that you are not alone in the mind revamping. Everyone goes through it. Even people who know the truth. Love yourself. |
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