Sunday I took a day of rest. I know. Shocking. Typically my Sunday requires me to do some sort of work, usually within the church walls. After working 6 days a week, I need a break. And this past Sunday, I took it. Now, I did do some little things around the house that I needed/wanted to do, but I did it in front of the TV watching movies that I have been longing to see. I felt refreshed.
During the next three months, I won't be working six days a week, just five. I should be more likely to work joyfully on Sunday mornings. The thing of it is, we are designed for rest. I believe we can learn a whole lot from the beginning of the Bible. In Genesis, God creates light, dark, atmosphere, land, and everything in and on the world. God works for six days. Then, on the seventh, he rested. What I find interesting is that God makes man on the sixth day and rests on the seventh. If this were a business model, some people might think it a little off. Why, if Adam was made before the animals, he could have been naming them while God was making something else, right? Not what happens. God makes man, then he rests. He emphasizes to us the importance of rest. God cares so much about rest, that he deals with Moses about it. In the ten commandments we are told to honor the Sabbath and keep it holy. We are to honor our day of rest, and keep it separate from the others. As a person with chronic fatigue, I think about rest a lot. I wake up and think about when I can sneak a nap in. I hope to get work done quickly so that I can rest in the afternoon before I play drive the kids around. Now, many would say to me, "You stay at home, working part time. What do you need to rest from?" Others look at me and say, "Do you ever stop?" Some people see homeschooling as a full time job, on top of my part time jobs. I think about that a lot. I think of the contrast and if things were different. What would my day look like if I gave up my part time jobs? Well, I would be a wife, mom, homeschool teacher, homemaker. And I would probably feel a bit unfulfilled. There would be something inside me saying, "Do something that will make an impact outside of your home!" Don't get me wrong, raising kids will eventually make an impact outside of my home. That is for sure. But there is a lot of waiting for that. What would my day look like if I sent the kids to school? I'd have more time to write. I could take on more clients. I could work outside of the home. Then I wouldn't see my kids. They would leave school, go to after school activities, do homework, and go to bed. My weekends would be focused on spending time with them or missing them more. I would probably feel like a bad mom for never seeing my kids. I wonder how much rest would be in either of those situations. There has to be a balance. Just as God rested on the seventh day, He worked for six days before. The question I'm always working towards is, "What is my purpose?" What is my purpose for homeschooling? What is my purpose for staying home? What is my purpose in writing? What is my purpose in training? I worry that if I stopped, even in just one area, I might lose my purpose. If I'm not homeschooling, I can work out later in the morning. That means I could sleep later. I would miss out on the calm and beauty of starlit early mornings as I run. If I give up staying home, I would miss out on much needed family time. If I stopped writing, I would feel a burden in my heart to speak what has been spoken to me. If I stopped training, well, I would sleep later again! I also wouldn't be helping people work towards goals and bettering themselves. Each of these items gives me a purpose. They give me a reason to wake up, to keep moving, to better myself. I'm the type of person that likes to look to the future and dream. I dream about this ginormous farm house on a few acres of land that I design myself with the purpose of housing my children and their future families for holidays and summer gatherings. I dream about an RV in the driveway that takes us across the country for weeks at a time. I dream about the office lined with books, many titles of my own where I write novels with such ferocity that I never want to break. But in all of those future dreams, I wonder about the truth of it all, where we'll be, and what will happen. Truth is, I don't believe I will train people in my 50's and 60's. So those hours I put in now to pay for dance and taekwondo and whatever else will drop away and leave me time. As much as I still dream to be an author on tour continually, I doubt that will be the case. Some major things need to change before that could happen. So then I start to wonder. Will I still be writing when I'm old? Whether I am or not, I wonder what I will do with the time between. What will be my motivation to wake up? What will be my purpose? We put a lot of pressure on our jobs to give us purpose. Whether it is an office job, teaching job, or raising kids, we use these things as our motivation to get up and get moving each day. So what will I do to make an impact as I age? I still have about 11.5 years of homeschooling. What will I do when they are both in college? Lord willing, I'll still be writing. I may even be training still. I do actually enjoy it. I have watched people decline in health when that feeling of purpose leaves them. I've watched people become unmotivated to do much of anything when they lose their jobs for one reason or another. And I seen it in other areas. My grandmother is not alone in the ones who slipped away as they reduced their ownership on property and their lives. Perhaps that is why I long for a big house when I'm older. Right now, I love my tiny house. We have too much stuff and not enough room. But we're always together. We eat together whether we plan it or not. We watch movies together, even if we are in other rooms. As a parent, I hear conversations and diffuse situations simply because, there's no place for them to hide! I love it. When the kids are grown, I can have an office. I can have a guest room. I can have tidier rooms! And yet, I won't have much to do here. Perhaps that's why I want a larger house as I age. I'll go the opposite way of most people. If we up-size, I will have to maintain the fruit trees we hope to plant. I'll need to clean more rooms. I'll have land to walk along. I find myself taking on more jobs into retirement, at least at my non-existing house. But my fear is to not have a purpose and to decline. I have questioned putting the kids in school for my sanity and rest. Tuesday morning, I was running and saw a shooting star. I thought to myself how I have seen more shooting stars in the last three years of getting up in the dark to run than the rest of my life combined. I knew God was nudging me, telling me that this was exactly where I needed to be. I needed to be getting up early and getting things done. If my kids were in school I would miss out on every shooting star He sent, because I would be in my house. I also felt a sense of peace for taking the rest I needed to. I need to work, as he did. And when I work, the purpose of rest can be fulfilled. Because despite what some people think, I do a good bit throughout the days. If I didn't, rest wouldn't be needed. The purpose of a rest day is to be different from the others. My work gives His rest more importance. I hope that we all find purpose in life. What is the purpose for what you are doing? Are you giving yourself a reason to rest? Are you taking your rest?
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Did you know that we have a Stuart Complex in our society? Oh, I'm sorry. You might not know what the Stuart Complex is. When I was in high school I would watch Mad TV. The cast at that time was amazing. They were trying to battle SNL, but at last knew they were no match for the well crafted show. Though Mad TV had some amazing characters that I felt beat out SNL in those years. One character was Stuart. Oh how I loved him. Michael McDonald played an oversized child, Stuart, who would go against his mother's wishes. "I don't wanna," was often on his lips. Soon after his tantrum he would ask his most famous line, "Wanna see what I can do?" He would follow it up with a jerking of the leg in a kick and thrashing of his arms. It was funny.
Today's society is full of Stuarts lining up saying, "Wanna see what I can do?" I have multiple issues with this. First off, it typically is found around the same people saying, "I don't wanna!" We have a bunch of selfish people that don't want to do what others around them want them to do. Then they turn around and say "Look at me! Aren't I awesome?" You might be wondering what I mean by this. Well, I find that people have entered into a (excuse my crass language) pissing contest. The problem is that I'm not in it with them. I don't want to be. A few years ago I realized that my kids are frickin' awesome. And I found that if someone with a child the same age was around, my awesome kids looked like they were showing off. Or sometimes it was me just discussing a day and realizing that their counterparts weren't in the same bus. So do you know what I did? I stopped talking about the awesomeness of my kids. And you know what? It sucks. I want to brag on my kids all the time. They do so many things that I could brag on, but I don't- or at least I don't as much as I could. I stopped because I found that as I was stating facts, others would respond with what greatness their kids were doing. I realized that we had, in essence, started a competition with our children that they didn't even know they were a part of. I never meant for it to be that, but I saw what was happening. Now I see people beginning the competition with me. I respond as LITTLE as possible in these moments. I'm not comparing my dancer to your dancer. I'm not comparing my nerd to your nerd. I'm not comparing my taekwondo student to your student. When I hear that tone in a mother's voice about to make it a pissing contest, I nod and say how great that is and move on. There are far too many times that people begin this contest that I think, "If I open my mouth I will show you what a _______________________ is." So I nod and smile often. Lately though, I find people using their good deeds in this pissing contest. THAT irks me beyond belief. Honestly, are we trying to one up each other in our good deeds? Isn't the point of a good deed to build up whomever is the recipient of the good? Why are we turning it into "Wanna see what I can do?" moment? If someone walked past me and thought, "That woman does no good. I don't see any Facebook posts about what she had done for anyone this season." I would not care. Okay, that's not true. I would be grateful. I'm not here to impress you with my giving, just as I'm not here to impress you with my children. Stuart Complex is basically a keeping-up-with-the-joneses in different areas than wealth, houses, and cars. There is a small side of me that is happy people are trying to show the good they do and out-do one another in generosity, child rearing, and everything else that has come about lately. I love that people are wanting to do something better. I love that people are driven to get things moving. I love that people are pushing their children to excellence. I just don't like that pride that goes along with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for being proud of your kids. If they are frickin' awesome enjoy it. And there are times and places to give a little shout out for their awesomeness. But that doesn't mean that you start the conversation that compares them to others. Just like you shouldn't start the conversation with what good deeds you are doing for others. I will not pat you on the back. It just won't happen. Can we quit the pissing contests? Right now I am writing this post because I am so tired of it. If I'm honest, I'm not tired of the contest. I'm tired of holding my tongue and forfeiting to those entering the contest with me. I'm tired of not showing off how amazing my children are. I'm tired of keeping things to myself. It's my pride that I'm swallowing. I'm selfishly requesting and end to the pissing contest. At least I know I'm selfish and proud, and working on them both. What's funny is that if Stuart would have just done the thing asked of him at the beginning of the sketch, he wouldn't be trying to gain good attention by showing off his skills. I wonder if maybe there are just some things we should be doing that are asked of us that might keep us from having to show off with those around us. Before you start the pissing contest ask yourself if it is worth it. Yes, I chose that title on purpose.
When I was in high school everyone (at the gym) started calling me Jewels. I didn't care for that. I changed it to Julez. The z meant that I couldn't be associated with family jewels in the meaning that you probably thought when you saw the title. But still, here we are. It may have occurred to you that I haven't posted anything in a while. My mind, heart, and emotions have been struggling the last few weeks. I lost a good friend of mine two Saturdays ago. It was a roller coaster - she wouldn't do it any other way. We found out a few months ago that she had cancer. Treatments came and went. Surgery took place. They saw just how much of her was covered in cancer. And though we are aching here on Earth, we are so glad she is out of pain. Last week, I lost my grandmother. I have been very close to her. The hurt is different and the same all at the same time. She hasn't been doing well lately, I think we all were becoming more prepared. It still doesn't take away the sting completely. Through the past year and a half, she has been downsizing. That means that a good deal of items have been trickling into my home. Some of it was given by her, others by my mother. Very few things have been items that I looked at and said, "I would like to have this." A few weeks ago that changed. My sister-in-law and I have gone through all of her costume jewelry and taken what we each wanted. For some reason, though I recently thought about my grandmother's family ring. I thought, "I want her family ring." Immediately, selfishness came over me, but I thought about what it meant to me. When I was little, my grandfather gave my grandmother this ring. It was simple. It had a stone for each family members birth month. My grandfather was born in October. That stone is rose. My grandmother was born in February, amethyst. My mother was born in September which is sapphire. Together those three are quite pretty. Then came my father, also September. My mom was an only child so that made things easier. My brother came next, also in October. And then there's me. Being a rule follower and enjoying order and patterns, I came in February. I remember the times I stared at that ring. Two blues, two pinks, two purples. But they weren't in a pattern that I could decipher and it drove me nuts! Still, It was a beautiful ring. When I was 12, my grandfather passed. That ring meant even more to my grandmother than it had before. It was as if she never took it off. That is, until the day she lost it. After he passed, my grandmother moved to Massachusetts to be near us. The move was in the works while he was alive, but things changed and she ended up alone. It took a few years before she lost it, but she did. And she was distraught. Her condo was turned upside down looking for that week. She retraced steps to no avail. This is where I love my grandmother. She decided that her family ring meant so much to her that she went out and bought herself a new one! The pattern was different, but the six stones were there. That's all she cared about, her family. And that second ring, well, it was ordered in a way that made sense. There was a pattern. So it helped me a bit as well. As months passed, winter came around once again. My grandmother was getting ready to head out somewhere. She put on a pair of gloves, and there, found her first ring! Let's face it, the dittziness of not checking gloves just cracks me up. That is so my grandmother. She became the owner of two family rings. My grandmother is the final grandparent passing in my life. When my father's parents passed in October and November of 2010, I was pregnant with my son. There was a lot going on in my life. And as I mourned their loss, I mourned surrounded by a dozen aunts and uncles, and countless cousins. When my friend passed two weeks ago, I was surrounded by so many of her friends and family of hers. There was collective mourning with those. With my grandmother, it feels so different because there are so few of us. She was loved by all who met her, there is no doubt of that, but her circles weren't as big as those like my other grandparents, or even my friend. When she passed I finally told my mother that I wanted one of the rings. It doesn't matter which, just one. For me, the ring is a memory of the first gift she received. It's the story of her losing it in a glove. It's her need to replace it, and keep her family visible. As I look at the stones, I get to see my family. A lot has changed since there were six stones established. We've gained six more with marriage and children of our own and, now, lost two. Am I selfish? Maybe. But right now, I just need to make sure I keep my memories of the loving woman I call Grandma. |
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