Did you know that I have a voice? I'm not sure that I knew I had one, but lately I've been trying to find it.
The moment you become pregnant, know it, and share that news with others, you give up yourself. Typically, this isn't such a terrible thing. As mothers, we don't mind giving ourselves to the growth of our children. We know it will happen. This is nothing new. But then it happens. You start hearing people say things like, "You're eating for two now!" or even, "You're exercising for two now!" Sometimes people will get into each one of your habits from food and fitness to reading materials, TV choices, and your job. Nothing is out of bounds for some people. And soon you are hearing so many people's opinions about your unborn child that you forget what your own voice sounds like. Next comes the actual child birth. Where you go, what you do, and what's important to every one else. Bottle fed or breast? Black and white or vibrant colors? Co-sleep, cradle, crib? Cry it out or snuggle. The voices and "experts" come out of everywhere. It never seems to cease. You will say, "no" and grandparents will say, "of course." You will say, "yes" and others will say, "how could you?!" There will never be a win. Ever. And as time goes on voices get muddled and jumbled together. Opinions change. Testing proves something new. What on earth could you offer? Recently I had a situation where I had given the directive of what I needed of my son. Someone else decided that what I needed of him, was not what worked for their schedule. Other people like to use their voices in questions. "Couldn't he stay longer?" "Can't he just ....?" "Oh, but we haven't ... Can he just stay until after that?" When others question what you have said, it is done to make you second guess the idea you already had. The one that said, this is what I need and what I believe is right. The moment you balk at your original decision is the moment that they feel they will always be able to sway you. Dangerous. This is where having your voice heard is imperative. You have to weigh it out. If you believe that the other person has a good point, you can say so as long as you know that they will continue to give you their voice. Sometimes I have put my foot down simply on principal. If it is someone that has been manipulative in the past I will stand by my original statement because it is becoming a habit that they don't value my voice. I hate those moments. I hate standing up to people and using my voice just because I have given inches and they have taken miles. What a terrible feeling. But it must be done. Lately, I feel like the only voice I have is yelling. Someone once told me that they don't listen to what you say when you are yelling, they only hear anger. I laughed at them. I still do. I look at my children and ask them to do something. They don't do it. I ask again. Nothing. I tell them to do it. Not done. I yell for it to be done and gee willikers, Batman! I have it done. I find myself yelling at them to get things done continually. They "heard" it the first time, but "forgot" it. Do you know how much that burns me? What I then gather in my brain is that my children don't hear my voice and I don't have one, unless it's screaming like a crazy lady. That's frustrating. I will find myself speaking to someone and someone, usually my child(ren), will begin talking to the same person I am talking to as if I am not even in the room. Choices need to be made. Voices need to be heard. Look, I have some hard headed people in my life. I'm Swedish, we're a stubborn people. There are people that won't listen to another person because they believe that what they know is what is needed to be known. We've all been around teenagers that think they know everything. If nobody ever truly puts them in their place, they will always think they are right. Then we have adults that wish to gain neither knowledge nor wisdom. There must be a balance of hearing and listening, and not caving. There is a time to make your voice heard, and a time to be quiet and listen. Finding those moments of balance are difficult. Believe it or not, I have a voice. I have a functioning brain. I have good ideas. I have knowledge and wisdom. I have good opinions and bad ones. Right now I'm just happy letting people know that my voice works. And like it or not, I don't always have to scream to be heard. You, too, have a voice. You will speak things that are wonderful and things that are not. You will yell and you will whisper. You will need to decide when to make your voice heard and by what means. So take a deep breath and decide what it is you want and need to say.
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It wasn't all that long ago that I found myself falling into a new crowd. I fell into a crowd of homeschool moms. For quite some time I felt a sense of encouragement. I looked at women and thought, "If they can do it, clearly I can too." But let's face the facts, just because you can homeschool, doesn't mean you should homeschool. I have found far too many mamas that are failing their children. But hey, if they have the extra space in their house to keep their children until their deaths, who am I to judge? This area of life was just another circle of humans that I could "relate to" in some form or another.
Circles of influence change. When your children, it might be that you have friends based upon proximity. As you grow older, those friendships might change based upon distance, interests, time, or hurt. In high school you might be best friends with your teammates or worse enemies, but the team is still a circle you have access to. You could exchange team for a number of group activities found at this stage of life. College brings new circles. Adulthood a brand new set. But then, one day, you seem to be set. You probably keep up with certain people from various circles throughout your life, while others you allow yourself to slip away from. Sometimes you find that circles intersect. This person and that person know each other and they each know you in a different way. It's all fun and interesting. Sometimes it can get a little stressful. There are those times you need to juggle your circles to make sure that everyone is getting the amount of time they deserve. It may not all be equal time, but they get what they need, and what you need. Then there's a bump in the road and the circles get all jumbled up. Some circles start getting more time than they used to, while others are lost in the background. One morning you wake up and say, "Why don't so-and-so and I talk anymore? We used to text each other almost daily. Now I get a nod when I pass her in the grocery store." There are times when an answer is clear cut, you had a falling out, or someone got a new job/kid/spouse/whatever! Other times it just seems that without one person leading it, the relationship just ended. Times like these can be sad, or maybe even a relief that you no longer have to continue. When I sat down to write this post, I was really struggling. I have a plethora of unfinished, mostly finished, not-even-close-to-finished, and everything in between pieces. I opened up my laptop and thought about how I was going to write about my friend who is battling cancer with more poise and grace than I could ever accomplish. Then I realized that I would have to face emotions again, and I'm just not ready for that. Next, I thought about writing that Happy Homemaker piece, but I felt like it was useless after thinking about my friend. I had a cute and fun homeschoolin' mama bit, only to realize that it doesn't really effect my already low readership. Then I thought that might be a reason for my low readership and thought I definitely should type her up, but felt underwhelmed. I had some work on fibromyalgia I thought about sharing, but meh. As I filled up my water cup (because that is far more important than typing) I thought about that political/voter topic I began working on this past Tuesday. Clearly I left that at the water-cooler. As my mind jumbled around, all I could think was, "I don't wanna and you can't make me!" That is when it hit me. I have so many circles. Sometimes I feel like I do a bad job at being a teacher because I'm also their mom. And sometimes I feel like a bad mom because I'm also their teacher. I'm a bad friend because I don't put in the effort. I'm a bad taxi driver because I can't stand the traffic as I drive my children back and forth. I'm a bad woman because I don't know how to woman these days. Is mom-shaming back in yet? I'm usually pretty good at that. No? Dang. Isn't your daughter pretty. Bless her heart she just doesn't know much. At the end of the day, I can say this. Life is not fair. It isn't. For my sweet friend battling cancer, it isn't fair. To my kids that deserve a great mother all the time, they have a mom that experiences continual pain and overactive nerves that make certain sounds seem like the death of all beings, and it just isn't fair. The fact that I have fybromyalgia isn't fair. The kids who grow up with nothing because their parents can't hold down a job - it isn't fair. Children who have parents that aren't involved - it isn't fair. Friends that need help that don't receive it because the other person won't pick up the phone - it isn't fair. Life is not fair. It is just not fair. And it never will be. Not until all of the Book of Revelation is played out to the finish will life finally be fair. So, that being said, we have two options. We can sit around and mope, whine, complain, and become the most annoying people on the planet. Trust me, I see plenty of people doing this on a daily basis. Or we can accept it. Once we accept the fact that life isn't fair, we can handle it so much better. We can buck up and fight. We can pray. We can work. We can do what needs to be done. We can see that some people are just mean, lazy, evil, corrupt, etc. We get to show grace, mercy, love, peace, patience, and more when we see things as they are. We can make a difference. We can work around the unfairness and hope for the life that lies ahead. |
AuthorI have a lot to say about a lot of things. Archives
May 2023
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