What to do? What to do? Well, I don't have the typical 9-5 job. That was made clear to me recently as a friend said, "You don't work." I wasn't upset. Still am not. I knew what she meant by it. She meant that I don't leave my house and drive to an office for eight hours and drive home. She was really more concerned with the time constraint of being locked into her desk for those hours verses my ability to get up and out of the house, if I so choose.
Having been in similar shoes as my friend, I completely understand it. I have worked from before the sun rose to not getting home until well past dinner time. The issue came about from a discussion of her work having them shop for the angel tree. As much as she is for the angel tree, she finds herself without much time to shop. I remember those days. It is exhausting. Travel time alone will frustrate you alone, not to mention poor drivers. Then factor in coworkers, who you work for or around. As a former teacher and former shop owner, I can tell you that retail and teaching are both terrible jobs in terms of people some days. However, after becoming a stay at home mother, I could tell you that the time away from your house makes you appreciate your house more. The drive alone in a vehicle without voices from the back seat calling for you and asking questions that they have known for two years is a payment worth more than money. Training people has become a wonderful profession for me. One that I know I should always be a part of. I greatly enjoy working with people that want to improve their lives. However, I still don't leave my residence. And those little voices follow me the twelve feet to the garage. Some days, I miss getting up to leave and "make a living" for my family. But then I have days like today. I had the privilege of reading The Adventures of Bugaboo & Ladybug to Ashley Hall's Lower School. They were incredibly prepared for me. They were helpful, cordial, and grateful to have me. It was another day that I thought, "People think it's cool to meet me. People think I'm worth having at their school." So many days I think I'm just typing stuff up for wishes and dreams. I lose hope that this is the path that I am supposed to take. But it takes just one day of going out to a school and being appreciated for the work I've done to revitalize my spirit for words. No, my job, my life, is not typical. I don't get up and sit in traffic. I get up and fit my workout in before the rest of my house wakes up. I don't send my kids off to school or daycare with their lunch bags and happy faces. I spend my time with them in the mornings and afternoons teaching them and helping them understand the curriculum we've woven together. I don't sit around and chat with coworkers. I barely have any adult conversation in my life; training sessions last an hour and that is maybe 5 hours a week, my husband and I speak for maybe an hour a day sometimes two, and any other time is sparse. I don't think people always understand the difference in being a stay at home mom and a woman working a 9-5. Add in everything else, I too often feel like a fraud. There. I said it. Just as my friend had said it so plainly - I don't work. That is what I hear myself say over and over. I know I'm "working" by doing the laundry and making meals. I know that I am working when I'm outside with my clients, but those hours are under a typical part time job. I am spending my time writing and submitting to publishers. I'm booking engagements to sell books all the time. Since that doesn't look like the world's typical idea of success and working, it feels like I don't work. Today once again reminded me of all the work I do. I saw books leave my home for the hands of children. I answered questions regarding the process of writing and editing. I remembered the truth despite hearing the lies. I work. I write. I read my stories to many. I will continue to do so. Even when others don't see the results of my work, I will continue.
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This post was originally going to be about children, but the more it pressed on me the more I saw it is really all of us. Technology today is becoming our downfall, if it isn't already. Don't get me wrong, technology is a necessity of life these days. We have, in my opinion, changed the role of technology. It used to be a tool for easing life. Technology created the steam engine. Technology created cameras. Technology made businesses more efficient and brought people together. Now technology is our right hand man. Every week for school, Caleb has vocabulary words that directly relate to his reading assignments. Some days he is to write them in his notebook, others he types them on his tablet. Regardless, he must use - dare I say it?- a dictionary! I remember my first experience tutoring where a child needed to use a dictionary. He was entering the third grade. He didn't have a clue what he was doing. (If you're southern you can place your "Bless his heart" here.) I would get so frustrated. Not at him, but at the schools. Kids don't know how to research anything without the almighty Google. Caleb in his short time of weekly dictionary diving has become quite quick. See, here's the thing, I love Google. I use it almost daily. But do you remember life without a smart phone? If I didn't know something, it wasn't the end of the world. I could ask someone else or find another way. I remember being a child and purchasing encyclopedias piece by piece at the grocery store. I miss those. I miss the encyclopedias A-Z. However, Google makes it easier and less time consuming. Technology still advances to ease life and build businesses. The problem is that technology doesn't always bring us together. Phones to communicate have been amazing, until you are in the room together. Skype is a fantastic tool. Cameras on phones are brilliant. Facebook keeps me in touch with people I probably wouldn't be in touch with otherwise. Then again, having all that information at my fingertips, things like political rants, childhood issues, and personal life, can become overwhelming. When I worked at the high school, I kept my phone on me. There were times I could shoot a quick text. There were times I needed to take a phone call. But I wasn't staring at a screen for hours at a time. Now that I am a stay at home mom, I seem to have my phone on me more than ever. And I check it more often than I'd like to admit. The worst part? These are the people that need my attention. The two little buggers in the playroom doing school work and wanting to play games. They deserve more attention than some person I went to high school with and has a long post about who knows what followed by the countless pictures of some other person's school during homecoming week. I realized this unhealthiness a while back. I have this ability to put my phone down and forget where I put it. It can be a pain in the butt most times. Then, one day, I realized how great it was to be my kids' teacher without the distraction of my phone. So the next day I left it in a different room. Guess what? Nothing important happened. So I did it again. Guess what? Everything was fine. The addiction we have created with our phones is outrageous. My greatest moments are when people ask me where the pictures of Christmas are and I say, "Huh, I didn't take any." They are outraged! But I spent my time in the moment, not looking through a screen. Children today don't know life without smart phones. I get it. My kids want the newest games and tablets. Yes, they have asked for phones. We have contemplated the watches that call two numbers, but mostly for the tracking device. That would force our child(ren) to actually wear the doggone things for more than a week. Just because our kids have grown up in a world inundated with screens does not mean that is a life we have to bring them up in. We as parents are to keep them safe, and that includes from some forms of technology, or have boundaries within those areas. We need to find a balance in our lives. Right now I know that I will spend more time in front of the laptop than I normally do as I do type this and then begin edits on a children's book. That was poor planning on my part I suppose, but I'll get over it. Thankfully I work out twice today. Most days I spend more time on my phone than is necessary. It has become an addiction. Some days I turn it on and don't remember why. So I go to Facebook or Instagram and catch up. After that, what's the point? Yet there I am less than an hour later grabbing my phone. I know that my phone is my downfall as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, and anything else. If I'm too busy scrolling or chatting on the phone while there are people to be engaged in, I'm not doing well. My goal is to continue to set the phone aside during school time. My goal is to lose my phone once a day (probably easier than I realize). My goal is to not jump at every text message to answer them immediately, when I have the chance for relationship building in person. Have any goals of your own? Drop a comment. I was contemplating a variety of posts Tuesday morning. I even thought, "I'll write that one today and have it set to post on Thursday. Then I'll write this one and post it for Sunday. Yes, I'll have extra done!" Oh the well planned thoughts of man. You see, following that I received a terrible message of contact through this website right here. You all know the contact forms are for signing books and direct shipment, things of that nature. That morning, however, I received some nasty accusation about writing emails to people in my neighborhood, blah blah blah. It ate up too much time from my day as people were contacting me with apologies for the intrusive and abrasive act of the individual. I did continue on with my day, because of the fact that I just don't care for dramatics and bull.
While getting ready for volleyball matches I stood on the court talking to my husband. I turned just so and caught the sight of the volatile young man from weeks past. My mind new in that moment I needed to write something else. You see, over the last month I have been more and more aware of what I deserve. I deserve and apology from the nasty young man that spewed disdain for my child. I deserve an apology from the person of anonymity in the contact form. I deserve the respect of my children as I feed, clothe, teach and rear them. I deserve a higher income for the work I provide. It isn't just me. My husband deserves the job he is more than qualified to do. My son deserves an apology from the nasty young man. My pastor deserves a pay increase. My friend deserves justice. Oh! AH! See! That is it! I deserve justice! Vindication! Who doesn't? After all, aren't we all narcissistic, egotistical, .... Meh, y'all know I am not the strongest when it comes to vocabulary. We're selfish little brats that want their cake and eat it too and never gain a pound! I have recently written about my desire to fight for what is just. I believe there is a part of each of us that wants to do that. The problem is that we get so wrapped up in the justice that *I* deserve and what the people in our inner circle deserve that we don't reach much further out from there. Perhaps if we did, our perspective would realign itself to a healthy position. But I can't stop on this note. I am a person of honesty if nothing else. So let's talk about what else I deserve. I deserve wrath. I deserve punishment. I deserve separation. I deserve the pit of misery. For all the good I do, I have done and do just as much bad. Let's take something simple - driving. How many people have I let in during heavily trafficked times? How many people have let me in during heavily trafficked times? Take a guess on how that scale looks. Just in driving I am a selfish person. "Let me in. Let me in. Let me in. Oh, please." "Thank you." ..... "Yeah, yeah, buddy, we all want to get in. Wait your turn like the rest of us." Ugh. Face palm moment. Truth is, we all deserve the worst. We are all selfish human beings. Some more, some less. Thankfully, we have a grace giving, loving, caring God as our judge. People question how God can send people to a place where there is weeping and the gnashing of teeth. Well, each person gets to make a choice. He doesn't want ANYONE to go that route. Humans are designed in His image and he wants us to be with him. We do stupid things that require justice. We hurt each other. We hurt him. Somehow, some way, he decided that his son would take the wrath. The wrath I deserve for telling of the telemarketer that is just trying to do their job. The wrath I deserve for getting angry because my neighbors haven't figured out how to park. The wrath I deserve for choosing my desires over someone else's. And yet, by my coming to realization of who God is and what he has done, and seeking his face and asking forgiveness, I receive grace. After punk kid was a downright jerk to me, my son, and whoever else, I wanted an apology. I knew as I know now, that I will never get one. His pride is too much. I spend my time forgiving him, not seeking apologies. I have forgiven "Frosty" my anonymous accuser. I have forgiven friends, family, teammates, and neighbors not because they apologized, but because I have to. It is my duty as a follower of Christ to forgive out of love. Not my love, but his. He has forgiven me for so much more than I have to forgive these people for. For me to choose unforgiveness would be to miss the point of him forgiving me. I'm right back to the selfish person I'm trying to leave behind. The truth is that it is all mine. The pain that Jesus bore on the tree is mine. Grace I receive is mine. Who needs an apology when you can receive forgiveness? Oh, yeah, that's mine too. I hope it's yours as well. He has more than enough. I hate to admit it, but I am one of those people that has multiple books being read at one time. Sometimes it can be as high as eight books that I'm reading. It isn't my first choice, but somehow it keeps ending up this way. I have a rule that I read at minimum 10 pages of fiction and non-fiction a piece each day. Many authors (like, the big time ones) say that if you aren't writing you should be reading. I have come to see the value of that, however, I wonder how many of them were writing with little ones around them - besides St. Madeleine, of course. It has been something I have done for a few years now and I stick to it.
Sometimes, I just want to switch it up in the middle of a book. I want to grab something and fly through. So I may switch my main 10 page reading to what I'm desiring, or I may make it my extra. Either way I am finding myself finishing books at this time. Last night I finished reading "You and Me Forever" by Francis and Lisa Chan. I didn't quite know what to expect, but I love anything by Chan so I gave it a go. Charlie and I decided to read and discuss together. (We've missed some discussion, but the reading continued.) It isn't often that I would feel the desire to review a book, nor will I give it a proper review. It will be my usual ramblings, just on this book in particular. Like I said, I wasn't sure what to expect, but I figured I would give it a more than fair shot due to my appreciation for Mr. Chan. It was an easy read with good sized print, nice spacing, clean white pages, and the properly recognized voice change when it went from Francis to Lisa and back again. So let's get into content. This is not a dating book. This is not a premarital counseling book - though it may not hurt to read if you ever plan on being married. This book was written by a married couple that has their act together. It reminded me of some conversations I've had through the years of spouse before kids, but this is far deeper. "You and Me Forever" is aptly named. It doesn't focus on the family, day to day life, or even the best ideas for couples that they could think of. The entire book has one focus alone - God. Every ounce of it is a reminder to set your eyes and your heart on what is most important. Too often we find ourselves worried over something, fighting over something, or tired of something in our lives. When we take our eyes off of the problems and look back to the creator of the universe we realize where we land in the big scheme of things. The amazing part is that the Chans found enough to relate a new topic of marriage and parenthood to fill an entire book. By Chapter 3 I was thinking, "Huh, it really is an entire book on putting God way, way, way above everything else in this world." By the final pages I was doing the head nod with the "Amen" to every paragraph. And all I could think about at the end was how a 130 page book could be filled top to bottom, left to right, with nothing but a reminder we all should know. It seems that sometimes as life takes over for us, we often miss the simplest things. We let the world take over in our thinking, and that is never a good idea. A major focus of the book was heaven - hence the "forever" in the title. Francis admits that is mindset is that of Paul's. He just wants to get to heaven and be with Jesus. And when he sees his wife each day he thinks about how he wants her to be with him in heaven. The same goes for his children. His job every day is to lead his wife and children into the kingdom. His excitement for heaven is more than contagious. Reading page after page of a couple so on fire for God and His work really stirs the soul. Would I recommend this book to you? Absolutely. But only if you are ready to dig deep into your soul and search your hearts. Thank you, Francis and Lisa Chan for your incredible source of guidance. |
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May 2023
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