I’m considered a bad mom by people on a fairly regular basis. And it’s because of those people that I know I’m doing a good job.
This past weekend my kids had a dance convention. The main focus of conventions is the classes. Dancers spend 3-4 hours at a time going through various dance styles with teachers from all over. It’s a great experience to learn something so quickly with people you aren’t used to. You’re surrounded by countless others just hoping to be noticed for a scholarship to next year’s convention. During the convention, there is a competition. Both my children danced solos and duos in the competition. For months leading up to the convention I said the same thing to my son, “I hope you lose.” Did your jaw just drop like most people’s? Let me explain. In the world of dance, girls are everywhere and boys are scarce. You might find some in hip hop, but for jazz, tap, contemporary, and ballet, the numbers drop further and further. So what does that mean in my house? He thinks he’s hot stuff. Caleb entered a dance class. He was moved to the center of the performance because it looked better, and, according to the teacher, he worked there perfectly. (Head getting bigger.) The next year he was moved up to a higher level ballet class mid-year. The teacher wanted him for a special ballet program in the Lowcountry. (Head getting bigger.) Thankfully, Covid shut that down. I saw open auditions for a ballet and we let him audition hoping that he would get knocked down a peg next to the more experienced ballarinos. Nope. Front and center. But at least he saw a young boy just one year older that was way beyond his level. That stuck a bit. It just didn’t matter. My son has entered a world where people are happy he walks in because of his gender. He doesn’t have to be the best. He just has to be willing to learn and grow. Sigh. So convention comes and he does his solo routine. He did not do well. It sucked. I was somewhat upset for him. But still, I was happy. I knew he did not do the work that he needed to do in order to score well. It took this competition to show him what I had been telling him. We walked away discussing it. He wasn’t happy. The rest of the weekend he would say, “I need to work harder” and “I need to step up my game.” Yes! Yes! Yes! He finally failed. He bombed. He blew it. He knew it. And his response is exactly what I have wanted from him. Rise from the ashes. Will he win at the next competition? Nope. But all we hope for is improvement. Can he dust himself off and do better than the last time? Will he toughen up? I think he will. I think he saw it’s a new game. There are no more comparisons. It’s all him. On his shoulders. People have thought me nuts for wishing him to lose, but now that he has experienced that yucky feeling low scoring, he is more motivated to work. Sometimes you have to want them to fail. I’d rather my kids fail before ten and learn to work, than to fail at twenty-five and not know what to do. You may not agree with my parenting style, but I’d say it’s working.
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This week we, Americans, have changed over from one president to another. I won’t discuss on here where I stand on the subject. It’s not a topic to leave on open forums. Those that want a discussion, you can come sit in my living room and we can chat over a cup of coffee or tea- whichever is more suitable for you.
Regardless of where we stand, we should take a moment to really take in the fact that history was made once again. In 2008 we watched Obama create history by being the first African American. Now we get to watch the first female become the Vice President. That is huge. We can look at her nationality as well and see the specific ways that she is breaking barriers, but I’d like to stick with just the female portion for now. I’m not exactly what you would call a feminist. I’ve been a bit of a 1950’s housewife in many ways. But I do believe that there has been an equality missed through the generations. We see CEOs making less than their male counterparts simply because of their gender. We see countless jobs and careers that have gender biases. Truly, it is all based upon traditional standards and views. It isn’t due to anything more than, “how things were done in the past.” I don’t need to get into history. We all know it. Females were teachers in the 1800s – as long as they weren’t married. Men ran the businesses, women ran the home, until their men came home. Men were doctors, women were crazy or witches. This week, we get to see a woman take on a new role- Vice President of the United States. Wow. And do you know where her husband was? Did you watch while the inauguration took place? He was by her side. He was sitting behind her in support. He walked with her and gave his arm to her. He held her hand as they walked, and when they waited for their car to leave the Capitol. Now, I’m not in their marriage, and there were masks covering the lower half of faces, but I didn’t read a bit of jealousy in him. I didn’t read a feeling of humiliation that his wife held this power. I watched and saw support. I saw a team. I know, as other women will confess to, that she would not have made it to the White House without him on her side. This is a moment I hope my children remember. I hope my son sees that women are capable. That his marriage can be an equal partnership. That his wife will not be beneath him. I hope my daughter sees that there are more opportunities for her to reach than any generation before hers. This is a great time in America, regardless of party affiliations or who you wanted. I hope that we can take a break from the back and forth and come together to say, “This is history. This is a new opportunity for our daughters.” Yes, I am aware that I have posted on this topic before. And guess what- this probably won't be the last time. Why? Because it will never go away. So, here's another post on the topic of entitlement.
Recently I was speaking to a person that is completed enveloped in their own entitlement. This isn't a topic I have kept from them. In fact, in recent months, I actually explained to them that by every definition and psychological analysis that they display classic narcissism. With that comes the air of entitlement. Hey, if they want to know why I distance myself, I'm happy to explain. However, this past week, the person texted me saying they were going to drop something off for my husband's birthday and that they "needed me to order something off of Amazon" for them. Surface level you might think, "So what?" But there are years of underlying issues that go with this person and so I decided to analyze as I do. They came over the next day. At some point it was phrased as something like, so I need to get _______ from Amazon. Word choices are very important. Let's face it, they don't NEED me to do it, they would like me to. Ordering off a website is not a need. They could do it themselves, but they refuse to learn how. If they NEEDED the order to go through, than shouldn't it be important enough to learn to do themselves? For the less entitled person, yes. But this goes deeper. My response was a half joking, passive aggressive, "I don't know, did you ask me nicely?" Why did I respond that way? Well, I've already addressed that she doesn't speak properly to me or others, so pointing it out again won't help. Also, I truly believed that they should ask me to do that, because that's common curtesy. When I asked that, I did receive a "Will you please look this up for me?" Why is that so hard? There are multiple reasons. I'll give two. The first is that the entitled person believes that we are there to help them when they can't do something because we have breath in our lungs. Why wouldn't we help them? It's a simple task, right? The second is that it requires vulnerability. When a person says, "I need you to ..." it's because they cannot or will not do it. When it is a cannot, there is usually a frustration and vulnerability. I say this to my husband after I have tried and failed or am too exhausted or flustered to accomplish the task. "I need you to do this. I can't!" But the will not does not have to be as vulnerable. Why can't you? You didn't learn. Why didn't you learn? You tried once, it was hard, so you gave up. Someone else can do it for you. Entitled. Invulnerable. The task is beneath them to take the time and effort to learn. After receiving my please, I did in fact help to order the item desired because it really isn't such a difficult task. Yet, she still wanted to control me/the situation while doing the task she is unwilling to learn. "Type this" in the search. "Try that one." No. I have it. My phone. My app. I'll do it. I made sure to present myself in a way that says, "I'm doing you a favor, you are not allowed to boss me around while I do it. If you don't like how I do it, go do it yourself." In the end all things worked out. So why bring this up? The story didn't end there. We were chatting afterwards about some things and she said, "Apparently I can't say annnything right these days." Did you hear it in your head? If you read it with a voice, please make it dramatic. Because in her mind, she's the victim. It's not that she can't say anything right, it's that people don't accept what she says or how she says it. Though it is coming from multiple sources, her words are not at fault. Even if she accepts that what she says was wrong, or the intonation was incorrect, or whatever was received was received poorly, it really isn't her fault in her mind, it's their reaction that is wrong. And their reaction has hurt her feelings. Therefore, she is the victim. How dare people not take what she says happily! This is typical of the narcissist. It's typical vernacular of the entitled. My children were around and heard all of it, and have grown up hearing this kind of speech. So I used it to make a point with my children. When people first meet me, especially in a group setting, they believe me to be a quiet person. If just one person in the group truly knows me, they'll let my secret out. Jewel? She is NOT quiet! So why would people believe that? Growing up, I learned that people didn't always care for my sarcasm and witty banter, aka my natural setting. So to keep from offending someone or hurting their feelings, I realized it was better to not say something than to spout out my jokes. It didn't have to be humor either. Sometimes it was wisdom, advice, knowledge. Just because I can help, doesn't mean I should. So I wait until someone honestly wants to hear what I have to say. I learned to put others' needs above my wants. That's pretty much how people should act if we're acting in love, but it doesn't always happen. It goes against our nature. I explained all of this to my children in hopes that they would see the lesson: If multiple people are continually hurt by your words, it's probably you, not them. This world teaches us to be entitled. You deserve it! Unless it's direct cause and effect, we do not deserve whatever it is we think do. And even then, unless it is a punishment it's hard to justify some of these things that we believe we deserve. I get it. We all have a level of entitlement. It's in our nature. Don't talk to me about parking outside my home. Don't get me started about my schedule and busy days. I can be a pretty entitled snot some times. The difference I see in people is when they take ownership of it, and make changes in it. Those that use our nature as an excuse are no better than dogs. Be a human. Learn where you're acting entitled. Then work to grow out of it. Take responsibility. Own mistakes. Choose better. I'm exhausted. Truly. A few years ago I realized I understood the term "bone tired" in a more real way than I ever expected. I'm not sleepy. It's not a lack of hours or poor sleep, though I'm no stranger to either of those. This exhaustion is different. Pardon the language, but I think this helps to explain some of it. When I first read this I went straight back to high school. Thankfully, I was a smart kid. I had natural ability to retain knowledge and facts. But the truth is, I slept in class a lot. Too much. And reading the post above I thought, "That was me." I wasn't sleeping in class because I was bored. I didn't drift off because I stayed up too late. I was emotionally exhausted.
Thankfully, I can see it. I can see it in my life now. I don't want to do anything. I want to sit around and watch TV. I tell my children on a daily basis that I want a nap- the nap I never get. I'm too busy working. I'm always doing something for someone. And over and over again I have thought, "I just can't keep giving more of myself. I'm running on empty." But then I have a day of nothing. And guess what? I'm still tired. I'm worn out. Because I don't need physical rest, I need emotional rest. I need a chance to not feel depression or anxiety. I need to not be in charge of everyone, their schedules, well-being, and goals. Did you read that last sentence or skim over it? I find that there are many of us that take on these responsibilities. And for those of us with children, it is necessary. They can't drive themselves. They aren't necessarily paying attention to the clock. It's your job when you become a parent to take on some of that. The problem comes when you take on too much of it. This is where I find myself sometimes. I'm too worried about everyone else's well-being that I allow my battery to die out. But here's the thing. I know where my charger is at all times. (Now whether or not I use it is on me.) My charger, is God. Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed by everyone else's needs and wants, I float away. I hide in the bathroom or my closet. I sit down on my knees, bury my face in the floor, and breathe. I stop. I listen. I ignore the 10,000th "Mom" and listen for "Daughter." I rest at his feet. And when I find myself at the feet of Jesus, I find my battery charging. For many of us, we forget to charge. Or we charge the battery first thing in the morning and forget about it throughout the day. We let depression, anxiety, and empathy drain us. But if we would only recharge throughout the day, we would have so much more to give. Happy New Year. I hope this finds you well.
Yes, I deviated from my Thursday post to wait for Friday morning. I had to make sure you didn't read this until 2021. If I'm not mistaken, I've written this idea more than once. But, as with myself, it evolves and grows each year. So give a read. Maybe this time you'll hate it more. I hate New Year's resolutions. Despise. Cannot hate more than I do in this time. And I have at least since the 5th grade. People think I'm nuts for saying that, but it's true. And a liar, I am not. What's the point of the resolution? To better ourselves. How long do they last? According to the studies, most resolutions are given up on by the end of February. Wow. Good job, everyone. Then what happens? The eventual feeling of failure. Couldn't even keep it up for half a year. We suck! Then December comes back around and we are back to excited. This is our year! We'll do better! Nope. It's a terrible cycle that just needs to end. People will argue with me over it and say, "Don't you want to better yourself?" Absolutely! But in my bettering of self, I choose to go about it in different ways. Let me show you how I better myself. 1- Choose SMART goals. Most people say something like, "I want to hit the gym this year!" or "I want to get in shape!" Maybe you said, "I'm going to curse less!" These are valuable items. I don't dislike them. However, you have set yourself up for failure. S.M.A.R.T. stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Reasonable, Time dependent. So if you would change that resolution to a SMART goal, I'd be all about that. I want to start going to _____ Gym three times a week for the months of January and February. Already it's better. 2- I choose things that matter to my long term life. For instance, I read ten fiction pages and ten non-fiction pages a day at minimum. Seems like a silly goal for a grown woman. However, as an author, I know I need to read. There was a time in my life that the only reading I did was by the pool, or when I had an ounce of free time that wasn't in front of the TV. So I made it a goal. I made it a priority. And for me, the goal means something because it isn't just to make myself smarter. It's to make myself a better writer. It's to further my career. It's for the long term goal of published novels throughout the world. (Insert evil laugh for full effect.) 3- Know grace. As with all things, there are different views of a goal not reached. We will have set backs. That's just how it is. But we must be willing to give ourselves a smidge of grace. We can stop and say, "Dang, I did a terrible job, but I'm going to begin again slow and steady." Many people just flat out quit. Or they give themselves an extra long grace period, which basically turns into giving up with a nice excuse. Know the difference between a little grace- I only read 9 pages because the chapter ended and I didn't think reading the first half of the page was good for my retention- and grace to failure- Oh, I didn't have time to read because the kids were awake. Again. Like they are every day. 4- Start small, work to big. America loves its competition shows. When I was pregnant, I loved watching "The Biggest Loser." I loved watching people get healthy and take their lives back. But you had to see the whole picture. Those people gave up their work, family, friends, and entire life to go to the ranch. I watched people say they were going to do their version of it at home. But when they didn't reach the same number losses, they didn't understand. They ate better. They worked out. Why couldn't they drop seven pounds a week? Because they were still at home, going to work, taking care of kids. It wasn't an exclusive trip to a ranch with a full time trainer up their butts all day every day. And people didn't like the job I was doing because of that show. They refused to see that they needed the little changes over time that would lead to bigger changes. They wanted it all right then and there. I get it. We all want to be better. We can list people that we want to be like for various reasons. And they are all admirable. But there has to be a desire for change through all of our lives, not just because the calendar changed. I wish so dearly that we would get rid of this pressure building failure cycle once and for all. If you want to be better, be better, do better, learn and grow. But do it when you're ready, not because a shimmering ball dropped in Times Square. |
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