Here we go again. When you aren't ready for it, that child teaches you something. Ok, let's be honest, it's God. Over the past week my time alone with God has been less. I'm grateful for my running time that clears my mind and sets it back to all that He has given me, but there are other areas that have been lacking. I have been sleeping in, a rarity for me indeed. Because of my later mornings, I have shortened my day by an hour or two and missing out on my routine. Take it to Thursday morning. I am dead asleep. Not setting an alarm has allowed my body to rest completely. Deep sleep through the morning. In runs AJ, my sweet, snuggly, monster of a three year old. She climbs into bed with me, waking me with her hugs and headbutts. We spent a few minutes pretending to sleep before I decided this was it, there was no going back. I opened my eyes and see the kindest face staring at me. Those bright blue eyes sparkling with joy and wonder for another day awake. And a smile. Oh that smile. Uninhibited, raw. I ask her one question. "What are you smiling for?" Her answer? "I'm just happy you're with me." Mmm. What more could a mother want to hear? So I wrap her in a hug and say, "You make my heart happy." To this she says, "Me? Not Caleb?!" Her smile widens and she hugs me fiercely. Stop. Let that settle in. Is this not a picture of both how we should be with God, and how we are? How often do we sit with God, our Father, and smile because we are just happy He is with us? It isn't because He did something, or gave something. It is just simply being in His presence. This is perhaps one area of my walk with God that I have always felt like I have it down, ya know. Being able to just sit and enjoy Him. However, there are so many times in life where I don't get the chance to sit. I don't have much time of sitting in the quiet. I suppose that's why I run. I get the quiet time with him. I wish and long for more time in the sitting position to just smile and be at peace knowing He is with me. The second statement also hit me. First, because she would think that only one of my children could make my heart happy. She should know my love for her. Second, because we are the same way with God. When we hear God tell us that He loves us, or that He is happy with what we've done, or that He is proud of us, we say, "Really? Don't you mean the pastor? Don't you mean my parents? Clearly I can't make you happy the way those missionaries make you happy." Why not? Why don't we believe that what we can make our God happy? It isn't just the do's and don't's. It's the love shown. It's the time spent with Him and others. He made us in His image. When we show that image, it makes Him happy with us. Yes, leave it to the simple words of a three year old to point out just what we need to know. Isn't it beautiful? Isn't she beautiful? I hope you sit and smile, just because He is with you.
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I've been contemplating posting this, so if you choose to pass a blog post, this might be the one.
Paul wrote to the early Christians about doing what he did not want to do and not doing what he wanted to do. Isn't that all of us? I sure hope so. Then I won't have to worry about the company I'm in. It truly is a struggle. Today, I'd like to share a struggle of mine. It's nothing new, you all know it. No, it isn't cursing. Well, okay, I do have such a potty mouth even when I'm trying my hardest. I just can't figure out what my trigger is. This is something else. My depression. For some reason, the last three months have been plaguing me with my depression. As many of you know from my beginning posts I have battled depression for as long as I can remember. I believe I have fought it well. Most days I can fake it til I make it, if you know what I mean. But I've come to realize how much I loathe faking it. I think about it often. I think about curling up in a ball on the couch and watching movies all day, but y'all know I can't sit around all day. I think about just walking around the house doing whatever I want, whenever I want, but I don't have that luxury. I need to take care of kids. I need to teach children, tutor, train. That's when it hit me. Maybe I'm burned out. Maybe I'm just tired. But that wasn't it either. The problem is that I'm invested. I care about whether or not my students are doing well. I attend meetings with their teachers and parents. I text parents during off hours. I care about the people I train. I learn and research whenever I can. I work with them during their hours and after. We talk food, exercises, and so much more. I'm invested. Sometimes overly invested. Sometimes I feel that I give too much of myself to the people I work for/with. It can be mentally and physically taxing. But it's worth it if they too are invested and progress can be made. So what's the deal? Why am I in this fog? I know that there are chemical imbalances, blah, blah, blah. But where did it stem from this time around? Then I figured it out. There are two things I know about myself when it comes to my fight of depression. 1- When I give in, I let go of everything and everyone. I just flat out don't care. School work would be done. The house would be a mess. I would be half heartedly working and just plain not caring. 2- I enjoy it. I enjoy staying up late watching TV and sleeping in past 6. I enjoy being lazy. After so many years in depression, I became accustomed to it and enjoy it. It feels like home. But it isn't home! These children I must take care of, I want to take care of! So often when I decide to "give up" I lay on the couch. Well, guess who joins me? Yup, at least one of those little cuties ends up snuggling with me on the couch. We watch cartoons or a movie. My desire to stay up late may come back (if I'm actually functioning and awake) but my desire to be a good wife, mom, trainer, tutor, person, outweighs it all. Sometimes I feel that my life is just harder than others, and in some ways it is. I get bitter and angry because if I could just sell a novel, or if Charlie was a principal, or if I charged more for my services, if we just made more money, I wouldn't have to work as hard. But that's not true. I'll always have to work hard. Life wasn't made for you to just sit around. We need to make time to sit around. We need to find time to snuggle on the couch. We hit the reset button. We move through the pain and anger. On the other side is so much more. When I stop and think, I see how God has given me a life to overpower depression each and every day. Whether it is a good run that sets the endorphines up for a good day, or snuggles on the couch with my mini me, or board games with my genius, or breakthroughs with my clients, or just resting with my husband, God gave me ways to overcome the darkness. It's there. The rain cloud over Eeyore rests over me. I can look at the rain as refreshing and cleansing, or drenching and sorrowful. I can see the rainbow on the other side (a different promise of God) or I can look down to the mud. Yes, the struggle comes at me. It can take me down and out, or I can overcome. Most of you know I'm more like a salmon when it comes to group settings. I would make a terrible lemming. I just can't go with the flow. There's always something bugging me and pushing me the other way. Now, this has never been a problem for me, but sometimes it hurt to be alone swimming upstream. I'm thankful for my ability to stand alone, but I know I ruffle feathers.
Picture yourself back in elementary school. It's the beginning of the school year. The questions come out on the "All About Me" pages. Low and behold here it comes: What is your favorite holiday? Every year I said, "Thanksgiving." Odd for a nine year old to choose Thanksgiving. The class was always filled with "Christmas" screams and "my birthday" excitement. Thanksgiving? Why? Well, my extended family is a little on the large side. My mother is an only child, whereas my father is one of seven. Every other year we would get together with his side for Thanksgiving and my moms for Christmas. The other years it would be in reverse. A fair deal. When the Larson side would gather it was close to 40 people in one house. I. Love. It. Sounds crazy, but I love a full house of family getting together after not seeing each other for months. Some years were difficult for me as we hit ages where I was "too young" for one group, but "too old" for the other. I vividly remember sitting alone in my aunts basement. (I was told a few years ago that my cousin remembers vividly how I would play with her and the "younger" cousins, thus making me cool. Funny what we see and remember.) No matter, I loved knowing we were all together. Regardless of which holiday it was, there was an exchange of Christmas presents. The adults drew names based on persons in their immediate family. But by the last few years of that, we selected without the blindfold for the people that we got along with more. That feeling of having 40 people in the house. The noise level. The group outside, the group upstairs, the group in the basement. The food. The gathering. That is what I loved. It wasn't the present I would get. It was the presence of my family. I always longed to be closer to my cousins, this was my chance each year. The emotions that went along with the family gatherings is what made me choose Thanksgiving each year as my favorite holiday, in addition to the allowance of eating twice my weight in a single night. I suppose that is my struggle with this "season." Everyone cries out, "Tis the season for giving...for peace...for joy...for family...for..." Huh? This is the season to be a kind person? This is the time of year to spend time with family? This is the season for letting someone through the line who has two items, while you have 53? Why? Why now? Why is it that it takes a made up man in a red suit with imaginary flying creatures and a snowman that comes to life to make everyone nice to each other? What is wrong with us? I know I buck the system, but I chose Thanksgiving as my favorite holiday, I believe, because even at a young age I was gifted with discernment. Thanksgiving is the day we all look back at part of history (though inaccurate in some teachings) so that we can remember that we have so much to be thankful for. When we are thankful, and truly grateful, we act like the people we should be in life. The turkey was dry, but we don't say anything because we are thankful for the turkey. Sure. That sets us up for this time of giving, and buying. We have so much to be thankful for that we are going to shop for extra stuff to give each other. Again, I ask why? Why can't we just stay thankful. No, we need the red and green, cheery songs, and tinsel to keep on being nice to each other. I knew from a young age that there was more in life when we are thankful, than when we are just merely cheerful. What if this mindset of being kind, giving, friendly (heck even jolly) was not here for just a month, and called a season, but stayed with us throughout the year? Look at us! By March 17th we need to get drunk to be around each other! Well, probably because February 14th brought on such heartache after the hope of January 1st. Sorry, my cynicism and disdain for these holidays is rising to the surface. When you go through the holidays you see how they are just constant reminders that we are selfish people who can't remember history and need a day to tell us to say "I love you" to our mothers, fathers, country, spouses, and now donuts. What if merry and bright were just words that described us year round? Perhaps that's why I do enjoy Christmas music year round. It is a reminder that family and friends are loved ones to spend time with. A joyous heart is something to give year round. And the birth - and death - and resurrection- of our Savior should be celebrated daily. I love Thanksgiving. I love seeing people turn their attention to the things they are grateful for. I struggle with a season of behavioral changes that should really be our attitudes all year long. Who am I to be controversial, especially at a time like this?! I suppose the next post I should join the chorus. Fa-la-la-la-la--la-la--la--la. |
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