There’s a funny show on ABC called American Housewife. In case you haven’t seen it, the show follows a family, the Ottos, that is not well to do that moves to a very affluent town in Connecticut. While they are struggling with their family life in very real ways, they also have to deal with the social differences between them and their community.
You may think that I enjoy the show because of my life as an American housewife, but that isn’t remotely close. Honestly, it’s just a funny show. However, my favorite character is one of the rich friends of our protagonist. Doris is a wife and mother in a family that is indeed quite rich, but she isn’t the typical housewife. She doesn’t go to yoga or drink at the juice bar. She doesn’t like to volunteer and be the class mom. Doris is a down to earth, tough as nails, intimidating mother. And I adore her. In a handful of episodes we see Doris take disciplinary action with the Otto’s children. She forces the kids to eat a nasty soup before they are allowed to leave the table. She forces them to clean their dishes immediately. And Doris even pinches Oliver Otto, her least favorite child. Doris is my absolute favorite character on the show because she has expectations. And she doesn’t just express her expectations over her own children, but over her friends’ children. Most people would write her off as some overbearing, rude woman. Honestly, I respect her. Parenting is hard. For me, keeping silent is harder. I want to parent other people’s children all the time! Kid is being a brat in a waiting room? I want to get him to behave. Kid is defying the odds and getting past their parents’ faults? I want to reward them with ice cream. When I see a kid back talk their parent, there is nothing I want more than to give that kid a what for! But let’s face it. I can’t. I’m not allowed to parent other kids, no matter how much they need it. And yet… I hear all the time that “it takes a village to raise a child.” Personally, I’ve always thought that to be hokum. I was not raised by many. I knew if I didn’t act right, my father would handle it. End of story. I wasn’t worried about some neighborhood mom calling mine. Just like I don’t expect to rely on my neighbors to tell me when my kids are acting up. I expect my children to not act like idiots. Plain and simple. So which is it? Do we use the village mentality? If so, we have some conversations coming. Or are we butting out about how your child is a monster? If that’s the case, stop blaming the village. I wish I could Doris all these children into being amazing, high achieving, butt kicking kids. Until then, I will just have to keep my kids as the ultimate example.
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I’ve had friends that don’t understand depression. I’ve had friends that don’t understand anxiety. For the longest time, I denied my mental states. I covered it up with excuses and mindless dribble. I focused on taking the focus off of myself. And for a long time it has worked. Still does…if I want it to. Then one day I realized that I don’t need to worry about it. If someone is uncomfortable by my discussion, I will no longer continue to discuss the real parts of life. Otherwise, if someone asks and wants to know, game on!
So, here is some quick truths about depression and anxiety to help those that don’t understand it. (Oh, and for the record, those of us dealing with it don’t always understand it either. If we can categorize it as one of the issues in our brain, that’s considered a win! We don’t analyze the why and how. You shouldn’t either.)
This is an abbreviated list, but fairly general and well rounded. I could give specific examples with ease. You text someone and they don’t respond within a few hours – did I do something wrong? Let me reread what I wrote. Maybe I offended them. Wait, were they mad before? I got that email from the boss. Wants to meet first thing in the morning. Probably firing me. Let’s be honest, not sure why they hired me in the first place. What’s the right outfit to wear to the meeting of being let go? I made a mistake. Of course I made a mistake. I’m a failure. I’m always making mistakes. Gosh. Why am I even alive? Basically, things are escalated in a more rapid pace than the average human would progress through the problems. Additionally, we will play out every scenario possible. It’s a coping mechanism. When we go through the scenario and choose the absolute worst possible outcome, that helps us to be prepared for what’s to come. I recently read that people with anxiety like to rewatch shows and movies because we know what’s coming and don’t have that worry, fear, and dread like when it happens for the first time. This is kind of the same thing. We play out the worst case scenario. We’re prepared. Sometimes we play out good scenarios too. But when they don’t happen in a timeline we expect, we quickly shoot it out to the bad. It’s hard to figure out life when you live with depression and anxiety. You want to be normal. You want to fit in. But at the same time, you don’t want to go through the emotional rigors to be able to fit in. So it ends up being easier to stay in the house and do nothing. That usually also helps to perpetuate the emotional distress. It’s complicated. If you find yourself dealing with someone with anxiety and depression, don’t run away. Don’t try to fix them. If they want to talk, let them talk. Be ears that listen. Combat negative thoughts before the person states them. “Wow, you look nice.” “I saw your work. It was fantastic.” “I bet you’re a fun person to people watch with. You probably have everyone figured out.” Find what’s special about them and encourage them in their awesomeness and give them less time to think of the negative. Just be a friend. They’ll recognize someone actually trying to be kind, versus someone hoping to save them from themselves. And if you don’t understand, ask. Create open discussions. It allows people who are struggling to feel heard and validated. And that will go farther than you know. Two Mondays ago I made a decision. I’m done. I’m so over people. Okay, I have been over people since I was about six, but still. People are nasty, condescending, belligerent, and lately obliviously obstinate. So, here it is, my open letter to the non-budging keyboard warriors.
This all stems from a post that my father’s cousin shared on Facebook. I feel that it must be addressed. And a reaction or comment on the post won’t amount to much of anything. This man, I believe, is trying to address things in a positive manner. However, his choice of words, and stances in arenas that he doesn’t know and understand are making him look like a extremist. Today’s post is brought to you by his post quite recently. The shared media stated the following: News Flash: The government is NOT in charge of Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas, STOP asking if we’re still going to have them. Oy. Where do I begin. This is a run-on sentence. Please fix grammatical errors. Please. Okay, down to business. No, the government is not “in charge” of the holidays. But I think it’s interesting that you don’t acknowledge the facts of these holidays. The fact that the holidays made it to your calendar shows that the government was has actually deemed them holidays. They are supported largely enough in our country that the makers of calendars are to put the holiday as listed by the federal government’s desire. Don’t understand? How many of you know what Patriot’s Day is? Well, if you don’t live in Massachusetts (or have lived there previously) you probably don’t know the holiday. Why? It isn’t a federal holiday. It is a local holiday. There will be no mail distributed and the banks will be closed in Massachusetts. Here in the south, all clear. That’s why it isn’t on your calendar. The real reason that this post drives me beserk is the “Stop asking if we’re going to have them” part. Dear Irrational Posters/Sharers, People are not asking about whether or not holidays are still happening because the big, bad government is trying to take them away. People are asking about holidays because they are considerate people with souls not weighed down by the intentions of evil. These people are asking because the holidays mentioned focus on large groups of people. Whether or not you are concerned with the virus does not matter in the asking of the question. Citizens are asking because they are concerned for their own well-being, and the well-being of their loved ones. I would like to share with you two examples. I live in a neighborhood of over 700 houses. Our neighborhood is a big go-to spot for children at Halloween. Depending on the street you live on, you could distribute candy to over 600 children on that night. As October approached, my neighbors posed the question of whether or not our neighborhood would be participating in the typical Halloween festivities. Why? They want to know if they should buy their candy to hand out. They want to know if their children should have costumes. They want to know if a good number of houses will be handing out candy or turning off their porch lights. It is in no way a judgment of people, but simply a curiosity so that they may plan for the time ahead. Nobody had mentioned the government. We have discussed that this child has kidney issues and will not be out and about. This mother has an autoimmune and they will not be participating. The vast majority have stated that Halloween is frickin on no matter what. So there you have it. It’s for planning. It’s for concern. The second example would be from my dear uncle. Each year they like to host Thanksgiving. This year is no different. They want their home packed full of us idiots gorging our hearts out! (This is my favorite holiday for a reason.) When he sent out his invitation for this year, he worded it very poignantly. He stated that they would be continuing the tradition, though things may change if outbreaks occur, or new rules are put in place, etc. He also stated that for as much as he wanted everyone to be there, he understood that each section of family had their own things to worry about. Some care for elderly parents. Some are old enough to be the elderly parents. Some have little ones. Some of our family may be acting more cautiously than others. The family members that choose not to come due to the virus, caution, and care are no less loved than the ones that join up for basketball in the driveway, and football around the big screen. In both of these examples, the idea was that our normal version of the holiday had the possibility of being disrupted. The people changing the plans of normalcy for the holidays have not been our government officials, but our neighbors, friends, and families. I was told by a woman that she didn’t need to wear a mask because she wasn’t living in fear. I wear my mask begrudgingly. I don’t want to. I do it, though, not for myself, but for others. I wear my mask in case I’m asymptomatic. Let’s face it. When you look at the list of symptoms that aren’t the respiratory issues, my health on a regular basis matches up with the virus symptoms. Even some of the respiratory issues match my regular life. I could have it now and not know it because I’m in a flare. Maybe this isn’t a flare, maybe it’s the virus! So I’ll wear my mask for you. Not because I’m scared I’ll get it. The language and attitude that comes from people is a bit unbearable these days. Understanding and compassion have been thrown out the window for name-calling and belittling. I urge you all to think about what you’re posting before you post it. Stop and think. If you have an issue with what someone is saying, ask yourself why it bothers you. I truly believe that if we would just stop and truly reflect, try to understand where others are coming from, we could change the world for the better. And I think we need better. Signed, An incredibly tired woman that is so completely over everyone’s entitlement and poor attitude. When I was in college, my now ex-sister-in-law once told me that you should never drink when you think you need to. Basically, it was her way of saying not to deal with the troubles of life through alcoholic consumption. I get that. Would hate to become an alcoholic. I found it to be sound advice. Even still, I was, and am, reminded of a song from the group Jagged Edge that says, “I need a drink, cuz you’re drivin me to drink.” Truthfully, it makes me giggle. I can simply sing those lyrics and never take a sip. I know that the reason I “need” a drink is because some other person is “driving me” to drink. And that makes me feel like there is a little bit of a community to it. I’m not alone. Someone else needs a drink because people have sent them to their last piece of rapidly fraying rope.
Recently, I have noticed that I am not myself. My already short fuse is cut to barely anything. My emotional stage seems to be set for “on edge” in every way possible. Happiness- tears. Rage – tears (and choice words). Fear- tears. Anxiety- I think you get it. Anything can set me off in any direction and I wonder why? The answer: these past few months have been beyond difficult. Personally, I have had multiple work issues that set me up for frustration. There are things like: losing a client (income drops), gaining a client (time drops), shipping of books delayed once again, lack of communication, selling opportunities rained out, and so on. That is difficult. It’s difficult to navigate alone, and moreso when your family counts on you. Socially, we haven’t had many opportunities for me to engage in adult conversation. A few clients enjoy the chit chat and daily ongoings, but no more shooting the breeze with dance moms (I’m mostly okay with that), or time hanging with church ladies. And then if you do get the time to socialize, will someone bring up a hot ticket item? Lord, please, I hope not. I don’t want to discuss politics. Because that is a whole different level of stress that is looming over us. And at the end of the day, I hear so many people say, “You should take some time off.” I hate those words. Can I just say that no woman with a similar life has ever told me to take time off or to take a vacation. Why? Because they know the truth: I can’t. Yeah, yeah, I’m being dramatic. But what exactly does taking time off look like for someone in my shoes? To go away means: no work (paid by the client/hour) which means a day trip might drop my income by $15 or $80 and multiple days means more than that, spending money on gas/food/attraction, kids do not have school. So I am out the money I would make and out the money I spend on things to do or to get there or to eat. And then I have to add another school day to our calendar in the year ahead. “Go on the weekend” Well, I work on Saturdays. It is usually my only means of income for my writing business. Unless it rains, I need to be there. Sunday? That is one thing I’m not a fan of. On Sunday, I want to be home relaxing, not driving/walking/exploring/exhausting my one day. Is it do-able, yes, but usually Monday is a little harder. There are some that say I should take a day for myself. No kids. Just me. Go somewhere. Well, I gave some reasons why that doesn’t work. The other side is- what do I do with the kids? Get a sitter? More money spent. Ask family? I could, but either my family would have to watch over school, drive to dance, and whatever else, or my kids miss out on things. Then let’s face it. Mom guilt settles in. Mom guilt is that feeling that when something good is happening, the kids should be involved. Or we shouldn’t be having fun without them. We see all sorts of good things and think, “Oh they would love this!” “So take the kids!” No! They’re the main source of me going insane!! Well, I think you see how things are. Sometimes, we moms are overwhelmed. At least I am. I can’t speak for everyone, but I feel like this virtual schooling, cohorting, up in the air school situation has landed more mothers in my shoes. I can’t speak for all, but I know that I am: The keeper of schedule The driver The fundraiser The laundromat The chef The maid The teacher The tutor The budgeter The lonely The frazzled The time misplacer The memory maker The stressed The tired The weary The warrior. This mama is ready for that drink, but I’d rather have a nap. You may or may not have noticed that I did not post last week. You may or may not care why. Well, honestly, I was fighting with my depression.
One of the ways that my depression overtakes me is through competition. I am wired to compete. Not only is my internal wiring set to win at all costs, but being an athlete drilled it further and further into me. You would think that with my background in team sports I would be more likely to share the load with teammates. Nope. I might make a backhanded comment about how if so-and-so ever learned how to play defense we might not suck as a team, but in the end I will put it all on my shoulders. I should have aced those serves. I should have taken more three's. I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't strong enough. (Doesn't that sound like the voice of depression- NOT ENOUGH.) Well, last week was rough, and I found myself comparing my life to others' lives and thinking "it isn't fair!" You see, I will compare myself to anyone and everyone. I think American culture, in general, has taught us to do this. The mom with two kids who is losing her mind- failure. The mom with two kids and rock hard abs- winner. Wait. What? Isn't there more to these equations than what meets the eye? Of course there is. That's where my struggle and fight come in. When I compare, I want to win. However, I usually end up on the losing side of the comparison. As an athlete, that teaches me to push harder, go stronger, and fight until I win. Athletes don't give up, they fight. The problem is that there are some fights that I just cannot win. It isn't about odds or the deck stacked against me. It is literally infeasible for me to succeed in certain areas of life, or at least in comparison to others. Last week, I looked at my comparisons and thought, "I lost." The comparisons I was making was in areas where I had, and still, fight for success. But as life moved on, I realized I couldn't win. There are a lot of people that would just shrug it off and move on. That's not how I'm wired. So when I am in a situation that I cannot win, it is not a non-issue, it is a failure. I am a failure. What I do, doesn't matter. It's worthless. I'm worthless. That escalated quickly, didn't it? That's what goes on in the brain of a person battling depression. Unfortunately for me, my battle becomes worse when things are out of my control and I just can't win. Last week, as I struggled I realized I needed to keep going. I needed to fight. Will I stop comparing myself with others? Probably not. But I am not learning to see past the end results and see more of the picture. Is that mom in better shape? Yes. Does she have the same amount of obstacles in her way as I do? No? Oh, okay. Is that author getting better opportunities than I do? Yes. Is she hindered by the lifestyle I have? No? Oh, that makes sense. Does that person have a better relationship with their loved one? Yep. Did they go through the same ups and downs? No? I'm happy for them. I still can be happy for people and frustrated for myself. I learned years ago to compartmentalize. But that doesn't mean I don't strive to do better. There are times I wish I wasn't so competitive. Then I realize that if I wasn't competing, I might just live a life of defeated. Do I like comparing myself to every Tom, Dick and Harry that crosses my path? No. I just need to find the balance. I need to see the whole picture. I need to remind myself that their success does not equal my failure, despite what depression brain tells me. |
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