I’m a loser. I know, you’re probably thinking, “Oh stop being dramatic.” But let’s face it. I am. I am a loser on more fronts than I can tell you. Honestly, it’s simple math. I have lost more times than I have won. Therefore, I am a loser.
When I played team sports, this concept was easier to deal with. If I scored half of the points for my team and we lost, there wasn’t a whole lot more that I could do. It was a team loss. If anything, I put the blame more on my team for not stepping up beside me to do their part so we as a team can win. But life isn’t always a team sport. Sure, we have team moments. If your kid is annoying you because they are doing the exact thing your spouse does to annoy you, than we can blame it on the spouse. Or, if your kid is amazing and they act like you, your spouse can brag on the team effort. (I’m making myself look really good here.) It’s safe to say, however, that the majority of my life failures are mine. They are my shortcomings. My loses. I can talk my way into blaming someone else. I can spin it into a good light where I look fantastic. But at the end of the day, it’s my loss. And I, my friends, lose a lot. There are two ways to handle defeat. Honestly, I think it is the way I handle my losses that makes people think that I’m not as big of a loser as I actually am. The typical way I see losers in my life, is that they whine, stomp their feet, slum around, and just plain give up. Losers say, I don’t know, so who cares, I’ll just never know. Losers blame others for their loss. Losers say all too often that they will just never win. That seems to be the majority of losers, anyway. And if they aren’t the majority, they’re certainly the loudest. The other way to see your loss is just as a plan gone wrong. You fall, you fail, you pick yourself up and try again. It’s the Edison way of making a lightbulb. It’s the underdog, the Cinderella story. I have a feeling the reason I can get up from my loss and work harder for the next challenge is because I lost when I was younger. Playing rec ball, I was placed on a team with few basketball players. It was usually me against the other team. My parents could have complained. They didn’t. My dad simply told me what to work on and keep going. That translated into high school. The team may lose, but what did I improve upon? I was taught that a person on a team can excel when the team does not. I have been bred for losing. I could probably list ten ways that I am losing in my personal life right now. I won’t. It’s depressing. And let’s face it, losers focus on the loss. With each loss I put on the tally sheet, I don’t stare at it for too long. I might analyze it. Why did I lose? Where did my defeat begin? But only for the purpose of asking: How can I keep this from happening again? Once the analysis is done, I have to put a plan into action. For some losses, it might mean I did it, failed, won’t do it again. For other losses, I may just need to find a better way to accomplish what I want. There is no set answer. The fact is, I just have to move forward in one way or another. Losing sucks. Nobody sets out to lose. Nobody enjoys losing. It is my distaste for losing that keeps me moving forward. One of these days, my losing streak will end. I will win. And that success will be worth it all the more.
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If there was one thing I wish I could do again it would be to get breakfast with my grandmother. If you could go back in time, I would suggest you do it as well. One of my favorite quirks was how she ordered her bacon. "Extra crispy. Just this side of burnt!" And she would squint and hold her hand up, pinching together her thumb and forefinger.
Lately, I feel "Just this side of burnt." I think a lot of us do. Every day the news has something else to ruffle our feathers. And it doesn't matter what side you're on. Republican, democrat, libertarian, socialist. Covid rule follower. Covid is a hoaxer. Vaxers and anti-vaxers. Gay, straight, you don't even know. Christian, atheist, satanist, Jewish. Holy smokes. There is just too much coming at me these days. Maybe you feel the same. I can honestly say that I have unfollowed and hidden posts on Facebook more in the last three months than since the time of starting Facebook when I was in college. For some, it's just a constant harassment of their opinions. For others it is their goal of strife. And yet, for others, I need to not see their gullibility. What happened to common sense? What happened to common courtesy? What happened to people that could just be people? Maybe I'm just more frustrated by the continual lack of sleep in my life. I know my fuse is short. I'm impatient. But good golly miss molly, can we just chill the heck out? Yesterday and today I kept wanting to say, "Put a fork in me. I'm done." But clearly I'm not. I still get up at 4:45 am. I still exercise. I still work. I still teach. I still put one foot in front of the other. I'm not done. I'm just this side of burnt. When I change my mindset from, "That's it! I'm done!" to "Just this side of burnt," I bring about two positives to my mind. One- I'm not done. God's not done with me yet. I still have a job to do each and every day that I am here. Two- I get to remember my grandmother. I must say, when I hear my own voice telling me just how done I am- how I'm burnt, I'm toast, I'm burnt toast and butter and jam won't take away the blackened side of me- I feel like I'm giving up. After all, what's the point? There's no enjoying burnt toast. But when I tell myself, "I'm just this side of burnt" I think about what that means. It means I'm cooked thoroughly and don't have to worry about diseases or food germ transmission (sounds more fun). It means that the fat is firmed up. There's no floppy, limp, greasy nastiness with me. I'm prepared and ready. Maybe that's because I like my bacon the way my grandmother did, but still. Have you ever had a BLT and the bacon was so rubbery you couldn't bite through it? The whole sandwich falls apart and you end up eating a slice of bread with mayo and lettuce. It just isn't as good as crispy bacon. I can stand the frying pan. I can stand the heat. I will get through the barrage of stupidity that is coming at me from all sides, because I am not done. I'm just this side of burnt. |
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May 2023
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