Ever have that day where nothing seems to go right? You know, you work, work, work, work, run around, help people, make sure everything is going off without a hitch. And then you sit down at the end of the day and feel like you accomplished nothing.
I had a day like this recently. (I have a lot more lately.) The kids were bathed and everyone was settling in for the night. I sat down in the recliner, took a deep breath, and remembered all the things on my to do list that did not get done. "Crap," I said. "What?" my husband replied. "I didn't get anything done. I didn't do anything." I sat with a scowl on my face debating what to do. I was tired. But according to my lifeline - my planner- I had more to do. And that's when I figured out my life. I do a lot in a day. However, much of it is "intangible." Some things in life can't be checked off a to do list. Playing at the playground with my daughter, playing catch with my son, going for a family walk, talking to people and building connections, sitting with my kids to read books or play games - these aren't to do list items. These are life items. They are the most exhausting and rewarding things that could be. That's really one of the hardest parts of my life. My kids know that I have to work. They see and talk to all the kids I tutor. They see and know all my training clients. The biggest problem isn't that I work, it's that I work with my kids. Most people leave home and got to work. After grueling hours they come home to play Mom and Dad. Not me. I have to be tutor and Mom at the same time. I need to be trainer and Mom at the same time. If my child needs me while I'm working, I must leave work for a moment to be Mom. That's hard for me. When I do something I want to be in 100%. It's hard to be 100% trainer when you have to wipe your daughter's butt after a poop. Sorry, but true. But it also hurts me, more, as a mother. I want my kids to know they come before work. And I believe they do, in fact, know that. Yet still, in my mind I know that I need to be on my game when I work so that I can continue my work and make enough money to buy groceries for those same kids. It's the tangible vs the intangible. Always. So I sit at the doctor's office with my grandmother. I don't have time to get writing done or update the site. But my sick and weakened grandmother smiles at my daughter. She beams as she tells the nurse taking her vitals, "That's my great-granddaughter." We make choices. We have to. Every day of your life, no matter where you are and what you do, you make a choice on how to balance your life. How much work needs to be done vs how much family time. Are you allowed to be interrupted while you work? Do you welcome interruption? We decide who and what is important in each moment. There are times it is easy, but other times it proves to be difficult. Like I said, the big issue I have continually is that I need to work to make money, BUT my work isn't always like everyone else's. As I mentioned, I work from home. I train and tutor from home. I write. Ugh. That's a whole different issue. Writing feels like an intangible. Until the book has been printed, you hold a copy, and sell some, all your work seems like it is just floating around you. It's a mist that you know is there, but you wonder if anyone else notices. But I digress, severely. Chores seem to be the same. You know you cleaned the bathrooms, swept and mopped the floors, but does anyone else? And how important are the chores? Yes, we need a clean house, but will we stop in the middle when our toddler asks us to watch a show with them? Where do we balance our "need to's" with our "want to's" in our life? And the big question: What goes into each category? We can't stop all our work to dote on our children. They need to learn how to sit alone. They need to learn to be patient. They need to learn that they are not the center of the universe. Because, let's be honest, if we don't work, we don't get paid. We don't get paid, we aren't helping those kids. But if all we do is work, then someone else raises them and who knows what will become of them. We have to decide each day, each season of life, what we want to accomplish. What is most important, the almighty dollar or your child's heart? Are the kitchen counters more important than reading a book to them? And on the other side- is their every wish and desire more important than you working to provide for your family? I think you guys can see where I stand in this. I believe you can see how I balance my life. I juggle the balls the best I can. But on nights where the day was busy, I sit down, exhausted from it all, feeling like I have done nothing, I'm thankful that I stopped juggling the balls and played catch with my kids.
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So I feel like I left the last blog on expectations with so much more to say. Probably because I have so much more to say. As I said before - The opposite of expectations are excuses. I think about that all the time. Do you know the number one time I make excuses? I'll tell you - when I am defending my child's behavior to my parents. Let's face it, I care little about what other people think of my children's behavior, but when it is my parent I care. Why? I've thought about this a little bit and this is what I think it is for me- I still want them to be proud of me, especially when it comes to how I raise my children. I want them to be proud of my children. **Side note, I know they are proud of me, my kids, and everything else even when I make some mistakes. So I sit and think about the excuse I want to give. "He's sick." "She didn't get a nap." "They're getting teeth in." Hey, am I allowed those excuses? My wisdom teeth (yes, I still have them) have been bugging me since I was pregnant with my son! Do I get to be cranky? My husband didn't take a nap today, so that's why he's so fussy at dinner. Someone decided that it's our job to make excuses for people instead of holding them accountable. It's bred generations of lazy, nasty, expectant people. Go ahead and drop your kids with me. They will say please and thank you. They will be respectful. They will choose the appropriate words. Those are my expectations. I'm not handing anyone anything just because they want it. We earn it here. Some of you are thinking, "I don't have kids. What do I care?" Well, this isn't just about having expectations of our own children (though let's face it, if you're a parent it needs to be). What about your dating life or marriage? Have you set expectations with them? Maybe we're just sitting back letting things get a little iffy because we don't need to address it until the poop hits the fan. So let's make an excuse for our loved one like "It's ok that she texts her ex-boyfriend, he was there for her during a big loss." And now? In the words that were modern months ago but are overplayed now, Bye Felicia! Oh, wait, she went back to her ex? I'm so shocked. What about work can we set expectations on? Are you supposed to carry the load while your partners sit back and play around on their phones? FYI - if you are the one screwing around while work needs to be done, you need to start setting expectations for yourself. Because if the people around have expectations, you'll be fired quickly. If you're a boss, or a coach, or someone in a position of leadership, set expectations. Require people to be on time. Will you make the excuse for the person under your leadership? "Oh, they had a bad day." "It wasn't her fault, her alarm didn't go off." If they aren't, set the consequence and follow through. Ah, follow through. That might be the worst part about setting, and holding to, expectations. I'm going back to family now. I expect my children to act right. Plain and simple. If they don't there are consequences. Sometimes those consequences hurt me more than them. Oh, sure, they might cry at the punishment, but I hate to be the one to do it. I have to, though. It's my responsibility. I figured it out while my son was a baby. The Bible teaches us that God disciplines those he loves. Therefore, if I love my children and I want to be godly, I too must discipline those I love. And they are better for it. When I make an excuse for why they were rude and didn't speak to the cashier when they said hello, I'm not doing them any favors. I'm teaching them it's ok to not respond when someone speaks to them. Not okay. The consequence may be a struggle for me to get the child to speak, but they are better for it. It is my responsibility to follow through, especially if I am following God. When I was pregnant with my daughter, people made comments about how my children wouldn't get along. They warned me of the fighting and arguing that would ensue. My response was, "No, they'll get along just fine." My husband and I set an expectation from the beginning. Our kids will get along. Our kids will love each other from the beginning of the relationship, not just when they're old and grown reminiscing. The picture I chose for this blog is a representation of the expectations in our home. At the aquarium, my husband pretending to throw my son into the shark's mouth. My son laughed and said, "Nooooo!" My daughter grabbed her brother and said, "No, Daddy! I'll protect you Caleb." Family expectations: we will spend time together, we will do fun things together, we will joke and laugh and play, we will protect each other- all those were wrapped up in that one scene of life. Why are people making excuses for each other? How do we think this helps them any? If you love someone, make expectations, not excuses. If your child is bratty, make them apologize. If your player is continually late, suspend them. If your spouse doesn't spend time with your children, turn the TV off and go do something. This country has become a world of entitled, give-it-to-me-now people and it isn't helping anything. Step up. I remember it clearly. I was a new, young coach. I was full of life and passion. I had a great group of girls. They were kind, loving, sweet. They were everything you wanted. But boy were they weak. I had this one girl, loved her, played post. She didn't tower above everyone, but it was obvious she was the tallest and therefore my center. I would make her try to rebound over me. She would nudge me and apologize.
"What?" "Sorry." "Ugh." Over the next few days and weeks one thing kept coming up. They were so weak. Their weakness came from their politeness. They were being the good girls their parents raised them to be. However, it made for poor basketball players. Being that they were a Christian team, I wasn't just allowed to bring in Jesus, I was encouraged. So I did. We talked about doing our best, and playing our hardest for God's glory, but something was still missing. Then it clicked in my head. I did a little research and came in ready to go. I looked at my dear sweet post player and said these words, "Jesus was meek, not weak!" Huh? I gave them the definition of meekness - being humble. I gave the point that yes, we should be meek. We should be humble in our interactions and speech. But that doesn't mean that we should roll over and play dead. I gave some simple examples of Jesus. Jesus sat in anger taking the time to make a whip before driving out the merchants in the temple courts. I like to picture Jesus stewing in the corner. "They came to my house. MY HOUSE! and they think they can act like this. This isn't some yard sale. This is MY HOUSE." And he nimbly braids together the whip. (I once heard someone say it would have taken him 3 hours to make the whip. Yeah, Jesus was patient.) He didn't let those merchants take over. He showed them what would happen in his house. As much as I love that example, I feel far more connected to the next. Jesus was a carpenter. We know it from the time we're little. We picture him with his little hammer and some wooden nails. He makes a table, so sweet. NO! I've done carpentry work with my father before. It's hard work. And that's with power tools, electricity, air conditioning, battery operated drills, and an air compressor nail gun. Jesus had his tools and his arm. I pointed that out to the girls one day. I can still picture Amanda's face as I went over this example. Jesus sawing wood by hand. His arm pulsing back and forth. The sweat pouring down his face. "Guys, I picture Jesus jacked! I picture him ripped! He had to be! I see how strong my dad is from his work, and he has power tools." Light bulbs starting going off. Jesus was strong. He worked hard. Sure, he was polite and humble, but he let no man walk over him. I still see this as a relevant topic for Christians. As humans, we are abrasive, and intrusive. We puff up the peacock feathers and barge into things we shouldn't. Instead of firm, strong, unwavering, we become rude and obnoxious, or uncaring. Those actions aren't strength, their weakness. They are cover-ups for the true weak being inside. It's obvious phsycho-babble to talk about the big buy being small inside. Why does it have to be like this? Why are we so weak that we either let people bulldoze us, or we act like the tough guy? Jesus was meek, not weak. He stood firm in the face of opposition, unmoved by the elite. He reached out to those "beneath" him because he knew the truth that no human is beneath another. He wasn't killed by the Jews and the Romans, he laid down His life on His own terms. THAT is a far greater strength than we every come across. Christians stand tall like a large oak tree. Let your roots be grounded in the strength of the Lord. But also let your branches reach out to those who need to be lifted up. We have enough weakness in this world. It's time to be the example of strength. As you may have read in my creative section, when I was growing up my mother and I didn't have much in common. In fact, during my teen years we didn't see eye to eye on much of anything. We had some ups and downs as she preferred fabrics and threads, and I wanted a ball and a gym. Two completely different people. (Don't worry, we have more than reconciled through the years and have a stronger relationship now than we have ever had, I'd say.) But one day she told me something that meant more than anything else. She told me she admired my drive and my determination.
Those words stuck with me and still do. Blended with my father's advice that if you do something, do it all out or don't do it at all, I have set myself on a one way path. I may fail at certain endeavors. I may fail for a day, or a week. Eventually, though, I right myself, reset the compass, and push on. For those of you that have never met me, I'm not what people think of when they hear "basketball player." Most assume I am a soccer and/or softball player. Let's just say I got my father's body, with some female accessories. Short and muscles. I'm 5'5" and weigh about 140 lbs at my "ready" rate. So in high school, when I wanted to be a college basketball player, most thought it impossible. People thought I was crazy. I was too short, too slow, from too small of a school. Few things push me more than nay sayers. My husband, kids, and parents and their belief in me might be the only thing that motivates more than people telling me that what I want to do won't happen. But beyond the nay sayers and the positive reinforcement is something else. There is an internal switch in me that is always on. I am more determined than most. If there is something I want I go for it. I strive, work, cry, press and do what I need to do. my mother wasn't the only one to comment on my determination. It seems to be something people throughout my life have seen. So why the biography of my awesomeness? I want to see more people in this world with the same determination. In high school the goal was basketball. Check. College the goal was degree. Check. Now what? What am I driving towards? So many adults go through life with a case of the Mondays every day. Get up. Go to work. Go to the gym. Eat dinner. Go to bed. Or SAHMs- get up. Feed kids. Do laundry. Feed kids. Take kids to the playground. Feed kids. Nibble food. Put kids down for a nap. Figure out what to do with the quiet time. Waste time on pinterest... It's not fun or glamorous. When we look at our day like a never ending to do list or a constant responsibility to pay bills, there isn't much reason to have the drive to succeed. It's more like having the drive to get out of bed and show up on time. There are many self help books, seminars, and videos. Countless songs about taking a hold of your life and living it. Most people think, "Sure, only one life to live so take life and have fun!" Uh, ok. Then what? The words people tell us are right. It's our time to do something. So do something!! Not something willie nillie. Go make an impact. What are you goals? Yes, goals, with an -s. Just like my site, we are multifaceted people. We aren't just spouses, parents, or worker bees. Each part of our lives is important and it deserves to be focused. We should have one, or more, goal for each area of our lives. Think it out. Take your time. -What do you want in your walk with God? -What do you want in your life in regards to your marriage? Your family? Your spouse? Your kids? (Yes, I separate them out. They are not the same. Each of your pieces will intersect with the other, but they are not the same.) -What do you want with your career? Your hobbies? When was the last time you sat down, evaluated where you were and decided where you want to be? What's stopping you? Fear of failure? Yeah, I know. I get it. But we will fail more times than we can remember. It's what we do after we fail that creates that drive. On my high school basketball team, four years of varsity (it's not like the south when middle schoolers get to play on high school jv or varsity teams. High school sports were for high school students) we had ZERO winning seasons. None. Zilch. Nada. I had a terrible coach who didn't know the game. We never went to the play offs. So why on earth would I think that I could make it at the collegiate level? (No, I didn't do AAU. We couldn't afford that mess.) I have an internal drive that doesn't shut off. Sometimes I wish it would. Sometimes I wish I could live life from one cloud to the next. I can't. I want more from my life and I will do what I need to do to get it. Who's coming with me? No, this isn't a post about having babies and such so don't go there.
There is one part of my life that has always received such criticism and negativity. Real simple- I have expectations of people in my life. Plain and simple. My soon to be husband and I sat in my pastor's office 7 years ago as he led us through his premarital counseling. What he told me has stuck with me ever since. Every fight, argument, hard time, disappointment, cry fest all comes down to unmet expectations. "No way," I thought, but I listened. It all comes back to an unmet expectation that caused fear, anger or hurt. Huh. Who knew? Well, I tried to take this theory in. I went through every previous fight- not just me and Charlie, but anyone and everyone. Sure enough the fight stemmed from an unmet expectation on either side of the fight. Need an example? Let's say your husband is a teacher and has an in-service day at a different school. He packs his lunch for the break and though he dreads the "classes" he'll take, he is eager to be home sooner than normal. He leaves. He comes back almost an hour earlier than he would of. How great. Then a few days later you are doing the banking and you see that someone went to a local eatery on the day your husband had an in-service day. What goes through your mind? Maybe it's "who is he out with on a school day?" or "Is he cheating on me with a teacher?" "He never even told me. Why is he being so secretive?" Perhaps it's "Why is he going out for lunch, he knows we can't afford it!" or "YOU get to go out for lunch while I take care of your children and never go out for adult conversations during the school week or ever!" Well, maybe it's all of them. Let's look at the stem of them - fear of him cheating, hurt that he never told you and is being secretive, anger for using money you don't have, anger for getting a day out. So you confront him on this. He says, "Bob wanted to go out for lunch so we did. I forgot to tell you, sorry." From here I'll let you determine how you feel about it all. But it all started because the expectation you had for your husband was that he would be eating lunch at the school and coming home. When that expectation wasn't met, the emotions came. I often wonder if that is why we have stopped placing expectations on people. I continually see people who have met the low bar standard of expectations that were laid upon them, and I am not impressed. Having expectations for the people around you is a good thing. It teaches you what you feel you need from each person as well as helps that person become more than what they would have been without the expectation in front of them. From the example above, my husband now tells me when he needs to spend money so that we don't overdraft (I don't think we did from this particular occasion, but it has happened) and so that I don't go crazy when I see weird charges on the account. He also calls me when he is going out for lunch with teachers so I can be prepared. He grew. He became a communicator. He also learned how his actions away from me can still affect me. (Honestly, I always go worse case scenario and think he's cheating on me with some hot new English teacher I haven't met. I'll work on that.) He also expects me to trust him more, which I have learned and grown in. As a teacher I was not always liked by the teenagers. And one particular volleyball player showed me exactly why. She asked me why I wanted them to do "so much." At that moment I realized, I hold my players to expectations that others never did. I held my students to higher expectations than other teachers. (In my defense, when I have 42 teenagers in a space where I hand them objects to be thrown, kicked or hit I need higher expectations than a teacher with 24 kids in desks.) Back to topic, is it really that bad to hold my players to certain expectation? To pass their classes, show up on time, work hard, and be respectful. Those were the expectations. And it was too much for some of them. Today's society is creating a world where expectations of people have gone out the window. I have great expectations for my children. Why? Because I hope for them to be great! After spending years in the high schools, I learned that if you want your kids to be great, you must expect them to do great things from the beginning. I have searched my brain all week to find complaints that people have had about my kids. Let's see, my son got in trouble for helping his group spell their words. OK! I will take it! I hear day in and day out how polite they are, how they use their manners, how well they act. Do you think they popped out of me like that? Do you think they just magically figured out how to say please and thank you? It takes work. It takes the setting of expectation that when someone hands them something, they will say, "thank you." It takes setting the expectation that they say "excuse me" when I am speaking to someone else. What is so wrong with expectations? You know what, I'll tell you what is wrong with expectations. When you set expectations for your children, you have rules. You have boundaries. You have to put in work as a parent and hold them to the expectations you have laid out. And if they succeed you know you had a hand in their greatness. And if they fail? Well there are many ways to turn that out, but the majority of what I see is that they still end up a little better than those without expectations. And here's the thing, if you set expectations for your children, husband, whoever, you will get labeled and judged like nobody's business. "You're too mean." "You're so strict." "We know who wears the pants in that family." "Oh, you can let it go." You will get criticized about what you do, while the same person is complimenting your marriage, children, team or whatever the relationship is. People will think that you don't do anything for the ones you love, that you take and take and take, when really you have done more than people outside of your home could even believe. People will automatically think that you have no ability to love, when truly setting the expectation in the first place is the deepest sign of love. You are telling the people you love that you care enough to put in the time to walk beside them and help them reach their full potential. Whew... That's a lot on both sides of the expectations. However, if I did not say that bit, I might just explode. My Story with Depression (Part 1) I have a memory from a time that I can't recall in exactness. I'm pretty sure it was the beginning of college. I was in my late teens or early twenties. I needed something from my mother's school supply cabinet. I had to pull out multiple items to get what I needed. One of the items I pulled out of the cabinet was a crayon box from the 5th grade. All over the box were the words of my mind as a 10 year old. "I hate myself" "I hate my life" over and over and over again. I was 10. So many things flooded to my mind that afternoon in my mother's dining room. I couldn't understand why my mother would keep that box of crayons. Keep the crayons, sure, but why the box? Why keep the box with the hatred and loathing all over it? But then the emotions flooded in. I felt ashamed that my mother had seen what I had written. I felt confused that my mother could see that and not send me to a psych. But overall I felt sorry for that 10 year old version of me who didn't understand why she hated herself so much.
As you can imagine I have lived my entire life with depression. But no matter how hard things were, I never said that I suffered from it. I used words like, "battle", "deal with," "fight," "live with". In my mind when I say "suffering from" I am giving power to the depression. It's hard to fight depression when you have already given the power to your adversary. However, when I say things like, "I battle my depression," I haven't given the power to the depression. I have acknowledged that the depression is there. I acknowledge that there is a chemical imbalance within me that needs to be righted, however those methods are. At the end of the day, however, I know the victory is won and the depression will not overtake my life. (I did attempt suicide as a teen. That is a story for a different time.) I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak from my own life and what I've seen in other people. It is easy to live in depression. It's easy to live in anxiety, stress, and countless other mental disorders. I came to the realization in college, while I sat in my apartment alone watching a movie into the early morning hours, that I enjoy living in depression. I'd say it sounds nuts, but... Seriously, though, I have found that it is easy to live in and enjoy being in depression. When you have been there for as long as you can remember, it feels like home. Think about it, I have spent my entire life battling depression. So when I get those times of sinking into it all, I feel like most people do when they go to their grandparents house and smell the sweet smell of cookies or whatever else makes you feel safe. I see this in other people all the time. It's easy to say, "I suffer from--" and live in it. When you do that, you don't have to move on from it. You can leave it as your excuse from dealing with it. You can make it your reason for acting a certain way. You can justify inappropriate behavior, words, and thoughts because you suffer from the illness. But when you choose to battle it, you can no longer live in it and feel comfortable. There's something that nags at you saying it isn't right. Being a Christian and living with depression can be difficult. I heard countless times that I did not have the joy of the Lord. They almost had the pain of my fist. Depression is so often misunderstood. I'm not sad. I can't turn it on and off. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain. I have accepted that. I have found non medicinal ways to fight- exercise, talking with people who understand, taking time for me, processing the way I need to, etc. But not one way that I can fight my depression is by calling it suffering. As a Christian, I refuse to. And here is why. We are called to suffer FOR not suffer FROM. Suffering from depression, stress, fibromyalgia, whatever else is not suffering FOR Christ's sake. We are told as Christians that we "will have tribulation in this world, but take courage; I [Christ] have overcome the world." To take courage is action. It's fighting. It's not letting something defeat us. I may have afflictions FROM, but I will press on FOR. I know that I will still have bad days. I know that this is an ongoing thing,* but I know that I will not take it under the burden of my words. It may seem like a petty thing to some, many, maybe all of you. I know that some of you want to fight me right now and tell me off. I don't know you and clearly I can't be trusted. But to me, the choice of words we use when dealing with depression, and other forms of illnesses, becomes our view of our affliction. If I am to deal with depression for the sake of someone else, let it be. If I can show God's love, the gospel, truth, and how it all ties in with depression, I will gladly take the hand I've been given. However, I will continue to battle. *A former client of mine, and fellow sister in Christ, was working out one day when she said how she had been released from her depression. All the prayer had worked. One morning she woke up and felt a burden lifted. She no longer suffered from depression. Perhaps this too is a story for another day. |
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