The Town of Summerville has a rat problem. I first learned of this problem when we found out that rats had eaten through the floorboards of my shop and had gotten into the kitchen to steal our bread. As I spoke to other shop owners, I found out that they had placed rat traps and were chatting with each other over it. The rats were getting pushed. They were pushed right to our shop. It was disturbing at best. Later, my mother worked in one of the other shops where the owner just stated matter-of-factly that there is a rat problem in Downtown Summerville, and there always has been.
More recently, I have encountered furry little rodents outside of my home. I watched as they would race across our back patio from one yard to the next. We were their morning commute. I couldn't believe it. However, I was simple happy they were outside, and not inside! That I could live with. But I still found it odd. Something didn't seem right. I kept hearing a noise and it wasn't what I was used to. So, like any 30-something of the 21st century, I googled "Rat sounds." Sure enough, the noise I heard was their squeaking. It's funny, when we're kids we learn animal sounds. Dog says, "Woof" and cat says, "Meow" are staples to the preschool education. When we sing "Old McDonald" we seem to skip over rat. Mice are okay with their squeaking, I guess because they're cute. But we don't touch on the rat. I always assumed it was a little squeak like the mouse. Boy, was I mistaken. The rats have a squeak, but it's almost soothing like a serenade of crickets. That's how they get you to think you're safe. Now that I know what the rats' communication sounds like, I hear it all the time. I hear it at night in my neighbor's yard. I hear it in the mornings. It's all around me while I work out in the garage. The squeaky coos are heard in the neighborhood as I run through the hot summer air in the dark. And ya know what? I think they are more prevalent in the area because I don't think people know what rats sound like. I find this to be true in so many other forms of communication in our lives. We don't hear God, because we don't know his voice. We don't hear the truth in compliments, because we don't know the truth. We don't hear honesty if we've only ever hear lies. We don't know lies if we've only heard the truth. I have a hard time hearing kind words. Many of us do. I began to wonder why. I know, there are plenty of studies and psychological evaluations that can answer this, but I like to see it in the real world. I can recall a handful of times where I was complemented for my looks by my parents. One dress in particular that I wore to church, my parents always told me I looked pretty in. Every so often when I dressed up, I was told I looked nice. It wasn't that I was pretty in basketball shorts and a t-shirt. I was never so beautiful when I sat around the house in sweats. I had to be decked out. And even then, the most commonly used complement was, "You look nice." That left me craving for anyone to call me pretty. However, teen and college years taught me that boys didn't care about pretty, they wanted the right body. (That I was more in line with than pretty, so I didn't mind.) Complements came, but not always in the most endearing way. Perhaps this combination of my past experiences has left me as a 35 year old that can't hear true complements. I hear the words, but I don't believe them. Just as I'm sure my neighbors hear the rats, but think they're something else. Some people are given constructive criticism and hear that they are terrible people, failures, a waste of human lifeforms. Others hear the same constructive criticism and hear that they are doing a great job, and could tweak a thing or two. Sometimes these times of friendly, growth enhancing conversations are met with anxiety and fear. Often times that anxiety and fear comes from past experiences influencing the immediate reactions. Other times, it's just that the person hasn't heard it before and doesn't know the proper response. We are being conditioned daily by the people in our lives. The words that we take in form a thought process that will last for years. When a new source tries to combat that, we often don't know how to respond. Is it true? Are there rats outside? No, that's just the crickets and some frogs. Or, do we put down the trap, and capture the rats that have lulled us into believing that everything is as it should be?
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I'd like to present a story to you. This is a true story.
Many years before I met Charlie (my husband) he decided to take a trip from college to his mother's home. The trip is less than two hours from Charleston to Savannah. Where he left from, he was able to take scenic route 17 through South Carolina. I have driven this route multiple times myself, and I can say that it is a fairly quiet drive, especially at night. During this particular trip, he was pulled over. Those of you that know Charlie, go ahead and get a visual of him in your mind. Is he in his work clothes? Maybe he's wearing his children's church worker shirt? If you don't know him, you might want to know that he is in education. He spent over a decade in the classroom and is now continuing as an administrator. Okay, hopefully you all have a visual. This man, on his path to educating today's youth, was pulled over on the way to his mother's house. There was no other car ahead of him for quite a ways. Yet, he was pulled over for "following too closely." Hmm.... We'll continue. The officer asked him to step out of the car. He also asked if he could search the car. Charlie had nothing to worry about, so he stood on the side of the road, with his dog, while another police car pulled in behind to assist in the search. They found nothing. Obviously. They explained that since 9-11, they were taking more precautions. So why Charlie? Let me say this. I support police officers. This story is in no way a "we must ban/de-fund" the police. The civil servants of our country do great things for our society. This post is about all of us, and our predisposition and biases. Are you confused yet? Good. When Charlie was pulled over, he wasn't the clean cut, tie wearing, children's church worker that he is today. (You're welcome.) When he was pulled over, he was dressed in his typical college attire. Shaggy hair, baggy pants, I don't even know how to describe it. Basically, from the pictures I've seen, he was a cross between a pot head (who didn't smoke pot) and a metal head (probably more of this with a tad of the non-pot smoking pot head vibe). Bottom line, he looked suspicious. We all have looked at someone and made a judgment. We don't always mean to, but we do. We see someone and think they're stuck up. We see someone and think that they must just be an angry person. Or maybe we think someone is sketchy. There are countless judgments that we make without even realizing it. But we don't know the ramifications that each judgment makes. When we say something snippy in front of our children, we teach them that judgment. Then they hold on to it, and eventually, those words come out of their mouths. Perhaps those words come out in front of friends. They spread. They ooze. In the moment, we don't see the harm. In the moment a thought flutters across our minds. We need to capture those thoughts. We need to see the validity within the words. We need to stop the progression of our biases. These thoughts didn't come into our hearts and minds overnight. We didn't wake up thinking these thoughts. They began as a seed. They were watered. They were given room to grow. Which means that when we battle these words, it will take time. We will chop down the tree. We need to take out the roots. We need to burn the stump. We must remove it all. If we leave one bit of it, roots will grow again. We can't live our lives believing that we are innocent and fully free from negative thoughts. We have each made comments and judgments that were unnecessary. Denying them won't change us. We must uproot them. Welcome back to your weekly rant from me! Just kidding. Though, I was sad to miss out on last week, it gave me more time to mull on things.
Good ole Teddy Bear Roosevelt had a policy that he summed up as, "Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far." I remember hearing that phrase and thinking, "That sounds like me." If history doesn't flood back into your memory, let me bring back a quick lesson. What Roosevelt was saying was that we should speak to each other openly, being able to listen, have a conversation, but if someone is unwilling to communicate, bash them over the head with a big stick. Okay, I might be paraphrasing just a little, but you get the picture. That phrase stuck with me because it seems to be some sound logic. The Bible tells us we should be slow to speak and quick to listen. Perhaps you had some mama-ology that said, "God gave you two ears and one mouth so shut up and listen." These all fall under the same thread - conversation. In today's society we have what I have dubbed a bunch of "Stuarts." If you are not well versed in late 90's MadTV, I encourage you to google some videos of Stuart sketches from the show. In every clip you will see Stuart approach someone, whether he knows them or not, and say, "Wanna see what I can do?" Of course, nobody wants to see what he can do, but he does it anyway. A flamboyant kick, a jump, and hands thrown about. Hilarious. He also shares the tidbits of information that his mother tells him, that nobody (besides us at home) wants to hear. So why are people being Stuarts? The average person seems to no longer be capable of having a normal conversation. I run across far too many people that dance around saying, "Wanna see what I can do?" Sometimes it comes out as, "My kid..." or "When I do it..." and quite a few other versions. These people are also quick to give their opinions. Basically, these people are abrasive. And at the end of the day, there is no reasoning with them, because they are wrapped up in their worlds. Recently there has been talk of human trafficking through shopping sites such as WayFair. Unfortunately, there have been some searches about items valued over $10,000 being sold with names of missing persons. It's disturbing. I decided to check Amazon to see if there was anything unusual there. I found a coffee table for over $35,000. A cheap little "unseparated" table that might be sold for $150. As a friend posted about her desire to purchase new furniture, but was scared of buying with WayFair, I happened to join the conversation. I showed the screen shots of the table, price, and review. Someone else decided she needed to reply to me that it's a lot of work for someone to do since trafficking happens in the open on a regular basis. She thought that the third party seller was trying to just make some extra cash from someone gullible. Maybe. I pray so. However, there is a review from one person that said the seller canceled the order without giving a reason. The third party seller is a shop in Georgia whose furniture is all under $300. Long story short, it's sketchy. The final comment the woman left (because I refused to continue having a "discussion") was that the real news that we should be focusing on is ... and a link. Okay, Ms. Stuart. I have seen what you can do. I hear what your mama always says. But let me share some wisdom with you. WE ARE NOT IN A COMPETITION WITH EACH OTHER!!!!!! We are not enemies. We are not adversaries. We are just on two different sides of the same fight! We're teammates. Why are you fighting me on this? It's back to Teddy. The Stuarts of America are speaking loudly and carrying a piece of yarn. There is no discussion. There is no conversation. There is no listening and reasoning. There is "BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! I'm right! Look at me!!!" Once their point is yelled across there is no positive action. I see Stuarts on a weekly basis. All they want to do is have a pissing contest about how great their kids are, and how well they did something. The truth is, if they weren't so loud about it, and had a conversation about it, they would see that what they're bragging about doesn't stack up to what you would have to say. That's why they have to be so loud. They can't let you speak. Because those of us sitting and speaking softly have a heck of a whalloping stick! Honestly, I'm sick of it. The other night it was wrenching my stomach and giving me a headache. In my mind I cried out, "God, what do I do?" And I felt that loving smack to the back of my head. I knew what to do. I needed to pray. I walked to my bedroom, and into the closet. I knelt down and began to pray. I began to pray for these people whose mouths were too big. I prayed for their hearts to be softened. I prayed that they would be less confrontational because one day I will snap and unleash my responses. Then I realized, I needed to be praying for me. I needed to be praying for my own heart to soften so that I could better love these people. These Stuarts are begging for attention. In passing, I have said things like, "Geez, they need to get a job. Have some importance. Feel special." I was just off the mark by a hair. They may or may not need a job, but they are searching for validation. They scream, "Look this way!" because they want someone to acknowledge what they are doing. They just want to be seen, known, approved of. As I pondered the list of Stuarts I face regularly, I noticed that most of them are women my around my age. I have begun to understand it more. Growing up for us, everything was a competition. We were told to make the best grades, have the right clothes, achieve, and never settle. Our mothers were the first true working class women, and we were to live up to their standards. I know the mentality behind it because I have it too. It's why you always find me with a notebook or novel on hand, making sure I'm bettering myself as an author. It's why my children are the way they are, I want them to be the best behaved, polite, hard-working children you meet. I adore any parental praise that I receive. I love when people make a big deal out of my training, writing, and momming. (I also love making verbs from nouns. It's a thing.) The difference is that I know better than to bring it out in a room of people or from behind my keyboard. I brag among friends that brag right back. I brag to my husband. I don't shout it from the rooftops or post it to other people's posts and comments. I speak softly, usually only when asked. I believe we need to revisit the likes of President Roosevelt. Should we be ready for action? Yes. Should we have the big stick for when it is necessary? Absolutely. But we must only wield it when necessary, after speaking softly has not made the point. Picture this:
Little Joey just rode his back down the street. He picked up a rock and chucked it at the front window. I'm sitting in my house and say, "What the heck was that?" I hear another WHAP on the front window leading to Caleb's room. "Seriously? What in the world?" Then the big one. CRASH! A big ole rock lands on Caleb's bed and bounces to the floor. I stand in shock, then high tail it to the front door where I can see little Joey racing off on his bike. Thoughts: Joey's a jerk. Joey needs his butt whooped. Joey just bought a new window. What would you say the best course of action is? Are we going to say, "Boys will be boys!"? Are we going to say, "Kids suck! Let's get rid of them all!"? Or should we end in the middle? "Wow, that kid is a twerp. His parents need to pay for the window. He should apologize. The parents need to keep him under control." Personally, I'm choosing the middle ground option. My kids, in general, are good kids. They work hard. They love hard. They also fight sometimes. They have also lied at times. They aren't perfect, even though they are good. Right now, in our society, we are choosing sides based upon the first two options. We have people defending those who have done wrong under a group judgment. We have others that say, "The whole lot is bad. Get rid of them!" Why? Why can we not admit that there are bad people throughout each subgroup of humanity? I'm going to be blatantly honest. There are bad people with dark skin. There are bad people with white skin. There are bad people with brown hair. There are bad people with blonde hair. There are bad people with red hair. There are bad people with no hair. There are bad police officers. There are bad teachers. There are bad mothers. There are bad children. There are bad pastors. There are bad Christians. There are bad Muslims. There are bad Jews. There are bad bus drivers. There are bad athletes. There are bad men. There are bad women. There are bad people. When someone does something bad, they must be held accountable. We don't have to get rid of all people within that group. We don't execute all 7 year old boys because Joey through a rock through the window. But we can't let Joey think that throwing rocks at houses is okay. And besides that, what will all the other little boys think and do? Joey got to break a window, I can too. The problem with our society right now is that we have an all or nothing mindset. We need to pick out the bad and hold them accountable. We need to keep the faith that the majority is good. I think of it this way. A few years ago we had a group come on the scene - The Westboro Baptist Church. Y'all know who I mean. They stirred the pot with some messed up stuff and claimed it all under the name of Jesus. Any true follower of Christ was mortified, horrified, and just plain ashamed. We screamed from the rooftops, "That's not me!" Now what if you had to yell that about yourself because of the color of your skin? What if you had to yell that because of the badge you wore? What if it was a daily occurrence for you? Can we please stop with the all or nothing? Can we stop lumping people into "bad" groups? Can we just see each person for who they are? It's okay to say that a particular police officer did wrong without condemning the entire police force. We can admit that Dylan Roof is an example of a racist without saying that all white boys are racists. We can admit faults. We can assign discipline. We can love all. This isn't all or nothing. These are individuals. We need to be led by the Spirit, not our political parties or family bias. We need to be seekers of truth and justice. **There is no Joey. Our windows are fine (for now). Needed an example. |
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May 2023
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