It's been a while since I've written. Not just a blog, mind you, but written anything of substance that wasn't a paper for school.
Let me just tell you. I'm beat. I'm struggling. This has not been an easy time for me. I'm balancing and juggling school, homeschool, work, book sales, and keeping the family going. I think the worst part of it all is telling people that I'm struggling. Last week I had a class that was only Monday through Friday. It was self-paced. Watch the lectures, turn in the work. It could take you a day or three days, or maybe even all five. Didn't matter. Before that, my seven week classes were difficult. One class in particular was just difficult to deal with. More so, a professor made life miserable. The last two weeks of that seven weeks, I basically told people that I barely had my head above water. I was close to drowning. Today, I start the next seven weeks of classes. Not exactly fun. But I know the professors for these classes and I feel confident that I will do well. But that doesn't mean that my mind and body will be able to keep up. It's still three tough courses. It's still seven weeks. I still need to keep my family going. I still need to homeschool my children. I still need to spend my weekends (and some weekdays) working and signing books. I still have clients. And now we enter the holiday season. Gifts to buy/wrap. Decorations to put up. Parties to plan and attend. Additional markets. Last session was hard, what will happen this time around? What made everything so difficult about telling people I was struggling was that it ended at that. I was watching Home Improvement (yes, I am BINGE watching every chance I get!) and there is a time when Jill, the mom, decides she's going back to school. When she enters her first round of finals, her friend is amazed at her. And why not? She's raising three kids, living with an accident prone husband, and kicking college's butt! The friend decides to bring over meals. Every afternoon, Marie brings over a nice meal for the family to eat for dinner. The family is excited because Jill is known to not be a good cook while Marie is top notch. I watched the episode and cried a bit. Sounds silly I know. The truth is, I know that if I called up two maybe three people, they would help in a second. They would drive out of their way to take the kids to dance. They would cook a meal if I asked for help. But I would have to call. Let's face it, I'm getting by. Nobody is starving. Everyone is passing classes and understanding material. No harm is coming. But Jill didn't ask her friend. Marie showed up. She brought food. Nobody asked her. She looked at Jill and thought, "I can help my friend." She did. I shed a tear while I watched because I didn't want to ask. I don't want to have to call someone to give my kids a ride. I don't want to ask for help. And no, it isn't the whole too-much-pride thing. It was that I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be known. I wanted a friend to look at me and say, "You are kicking butt! I'm so proud of you. But here, take a break! You've earned it." Coincidentally, at the end of the seven weeks courses, a friend did come over with dinner. They were escaping from people in their home. But they brought food for us. I didn't have to worry about cooking that night. And we had a great time. That wouldn't have worked if they showed up a week before. I'd be trapped in school and stressed about when they would leave. So even though it wasn't a "I see you, let me help" reason that they came over, they did, in fact, help me out. As she does all the time. No, this isn't a post asking you to cook for me (you know who you are). I just wanted to share my heart. It is so important to be seen and known. If I have not seen you, heard you, known what's troubling you, I'm sorry. I'm a bit preoccupied. But even in my busy occupation of brain cells, I want you to know that I do see. I'm trying to listen. I hope we can all take a moment and really look at the people in our lives and not just hear what they are saying, but listen to the silences. Know each other. Hear what each other is not saying - due to fear, pride, exhaustion. Let's show a little love.
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AuthorI have a lot to say about a lot of things. Archives
May 2023
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