In my house, I find that so often we are discussing our callings. When I was pregnant with my son, and didn't know if it was Caleb or Sophia because we wanted to be surprised, I heard God clearly say, "He will do great things." This brought me so much joy. One, because I knew from that moment on that Caleb was in my belly, and two, he already had a calling on his life.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I got a flash of a vision. I saw a long young woman in an off white leotard with a long skirt doing some sort of jumping arabesque. Then I heard the words, "She will dance on this stage." Again, thrilled for a calling. I have found this to be such a blessing in my home. For one, I get to see my daughter truly "dancing" in her calling. She is naturally talented. People notice her. And though it sometimes sparks jealousy, she is humble. She scores well in competitions not because she wants to win, but because she is doing what she loves. She is happy to go out on that stage and dance her routine because she knows it is what she is meant to do. If she wins, she's happy. Honestly, her first competition of 2021, she didn't even realize she won. She heard her score and was pleased. It isn't about awards, it's about doing what she loves for a God that loves her. Now, my son also dances. He has also received good feedback, but it usually is more about how happy teachers are to have a male in their classes. Boys in ballet are a good thing. There are avenues for him to use his skills and talents in dance to receive a great education. He may even be able to earn college scholarships for it. For him, dance is a means. For her, dance is the end. That's where the fuzziness comes in. Sometimes my son wants to walk in my daughter's calling. He can become jealous that she wins. He can be jealous that the teachers want her and not him. He can confuse his calling - doing great things- with meaning in all things you will do great. I often have to remind him that he will in fact do great things, but that doesn't mean that what he will do great in/through/for is even in his life right now. The one thing I seem to struggle with is my own calling. I know that God has called me to write. That is the only reason why I continue to submit manuscripts and write on a daily basis. For as many times as I may get jealous of someone who has done more with less work, I hear God tell me, "It's not your time. Wait." Let me tell you, that sucks. But along the way, I'm continuing to grow both in my writing and other areas of my life. This growth will eventually show itself in my writing as life has done so already. As much as I want to say, "Forget it all! It's my turn!" I know that it is not. My turn is on hold. My life calling may be to tour the country doing book readings and whatnot (a girl can dream), but for this time in my life, I am called to be "Teacher Mom." I need to create a well-balanced home and a thriving school for my children. I need to support my son's calling of greatness and my daughter's calling of dancing - even if it means the constant dancing through the house and useless (to me) knowledge that will lead to many degrees. Maybe you see yourself in one of these roles. You know your calling, but you aren't there yet. Follow the voice of God and you'll get there. Perhaps you don't know your calling yet. Pray. Pray every day. Pray every hour. When your passions, desires, skills, and focus lead you to the same place everyday and God shows you (even if you don't believe it) this is it, then you have found your calling. Trust me, I ran from the idea of being an author for many years. I thought I had to be a coach. I thought I had to be a winning coach. I thought I had to make it big. That's why God brought me low. Now I sit at my dining room table and write every word I can while making sure my children are learning and growing. I have to pay my dues. You might too. But follow the calling. Follow God's voice.
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Lately, God bless her, my cousin has been sharing various memes under the theme of anxiety and ADHD. Over the last few years, she and I have grown closer than we ever were as children. And her openness with anxiety and mental health issues has been wonderous for me. I love seeing that I’m not alone, but also her boldness.
These memes have caused me to take a step back and evaluate myself more closely. Honestly, I was shocked when I saw how many issues that I had that were actually considered normal for a person like me. Things with procrastination due to the importance of the task, or even the continual overthinking of a conversation between me and another person, can make me feel very alone in the world. But deeper, it makes me feel like a giant failure. Why can’t I do this simple task? Why does it overwhelm me? I should be able to do this! That monologue is not good for a person with depressive thoughts. Those words lead to more negativity. The next thing you know, all I want to do is lay on the couch, eat, and watch TV. And you know what happens then? Fewer items done. More failure. Cycle continues. When I started this blog, I didn’t know which way it would go. Would I write as an author? Trainer? Mother? Christian? Wife? Woman? Too many hats!!! I left it very open to go in the direction that I felt each week. Yet lately, I have felt the need to continue more in my personal life and struggles. I have found solace in expressing my “Less than-ness” in a safe environment. I have also found that I receive more responses when it comes down to me fighting my battles. Whether it is encouragement or just a simple thank you, I know that y’all appreciate my candidness. You’ll probably notice that the shift into real life down and dirty what’s wrong with Jewel will be more and more through the months. I hope that as I have found peace and comfort from my cousin, you too will feel encouraged to continue to fight the battles that rage within you as well. Thank you all for your love and support these last few years. May we cherish these times of growth. Growing up we all have to learn acceptable ways to deal with our problems. The hardest part of that, is that we all have different problems, at different levels, that affect us in different ways. What's big to one person, might be a breeze to another.
In middle school I often looked at kids whining about trivial issues and think, "Oh please, get over it." High school continued this mindset that the problems my peers faced didn't seem as rough as what I was going through. And I looked down on those kids in my own way. One thing I didn't do, was share what I was going through. I kept that to myself. I swallowed my emotions and judged them for theirs. Eventually, with years and growth, I figured some things out. One thing I learned was the fact I shared previously- not everyone is affected by the same troubles in the same way. We all come from different backgrounds and family life. We live in a wide range of lifestyles. What might be a big deal to you might be a cake walk for me. What might be tragedy in my life, could be a walk in the park for you. We can't judge someone's response to their problems because it isn't our response. The second thing I needed to realize was that I had a lot of first world problems. And let's face it, don't we all? When we stop and look around us, it usually isn't the end of the world. Do we have a place to rest our head? Do we have nourishment for our bodies? There are people all over the world, in our country, and right up the road that don't have basic needs, and we want to complain. With those two new found empathic views, I began to stuff my feeling deeper down. I took on an outlook that other's feelings and well being is far more important than my own. Whatever issues I was facing, was not worthy of the effort needed to fix it. I needed to get over it. Why? Because things could be worse. Then a problem arose. I became a robot in my own emotional world. I stuffed and stuffed and stuffed my own feelings down to make sure that everyone else's feelings mattered more than mine. I'm not saying that being empathetic and sympathetic are bad things. I'm not saying we should not care about others' problems, needs, desires, and feelings. But at some point, I needed to validate my own. Every time I chose to ignore myself, I was making excuses for other people. Recently, I have begun a change. I have been saying, "I'm done with the B.S.!!" Really what it is, is that I'm validating my own feelings, setting boundaries, and letting people know when they have crossed those boundaries or hurt me directly. It isn't mean or retaliation. I can care about others and myself. I'm done stuffing the hurt. I'm facing it, addressing it, and dealing with it. I hope you will too. The fact that you read the title of this post and still came to read tells me that you can and will give me a moment. For that, I am grateful.
Lately, I've been hitting a lot of realizations in my life. One in particular has stuck out to me. Everyone knows that I hide myself. Anyone that has ever dealt with depression understands this. There's a voice inside our head that wants to scream out to everyone, "Please help!" But there is a more controlling voice that overpowers it and says, "They don't want to hear about it." Unfortunately for me, I have found this second voice to be matched by interactions with people more times than I want to admit. Don't get me wrong, I have quite a few people in my life that tell me I can open up to them. They want to be my sounding board and they want to be available to me when I'm not up to snuff. But people like me need about seven of those positive people to beat each negative encounter we've had. I live in a world, where I cannot truly express myself. I know that many will argue this with me. They'll tell me to speak up and let the others deal with it, but there's a factor that many don't understand. If I announced on Facebook every time I was in pain from a flare, it would turn to white noise. If I answered every, "How are you?" with an honest answer- miserable, lonely, exhausted, legs are on fire, depressed, stressed, beat - I know that nobody would every ask me how I was doing again. It's overload. It's a lot to take in. And I know this from being on the other side of it as well. I have had friends that always have something wrong with them. It's exhausting to be around them! And that's a big reason why I keep to myself. I'm either a liar or a party pooper. I know that we have a lot of things screwed up in this world, but I hope one day I can openly say to someone that isn't in my immediate trust circle, "I'm in a flare. Just feeling crappy." And I would love for their response to be, "Sorry to hear that." I've had people ask me what a flare is. I've had people volunteer to help me with things. But I've also had people look at me like I had the plague and say, "Oh my gosh, you're not sick are you? I just got over the flu and can't get sick again." Yes. I am. I am sick from now on or until there is a cure. I can't share it with you, but if I could, I would, because you're a jerk. I wish I had an answer for all this. I wish I knew how to live in a world of honesty without bombardment. I don't. I don't have any answers for this. I can, however, offer this - you aren't alone. There are others that feel crappy. There are others with invisible diseases. There are others struggling. Find some trustworthy people that will let you spill your guts; those that won't judge you and will offer help if you need it or just let you vent. You'll need more than one. Then try to find the bright side- in anything. Feeling down? Great excuse to cuddle on the couch with a little one and watch a movie. Feeling terrible pain? Great time to learn relaxation techniques. Feeling lonely? Call or text ten people in one hour and see who responds. (The number is always higher than you think it will be.) We need to be real, but we can't get lost in our misery. We need others to find a way out. |
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May 2023
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