Do we remember pagers and beepers? Okay, I was literally one of the only kids in my class that had one. But still, they existed. Someone would call your beeper and then dial numbers. You would then have their number to call, and a little something with it, usually. For us teens, we had a set of codes. And when someone hit up your pager in class with 9-1-1, you knew you needed to get to a payphone stat. Hold on, I need my old lady pills to finish this paragraph. Out of all the "911" pages you received, how many were an actual emergency? Zero. The answer is always zero. Because if it was an emergency, they would actually call 9-1-1.
Our generation of emergency loving selves has become a generation of parents. And just because we have become parents, it does not mean that our overdramatic selves have died. Oh no. If you were a dramatic teen, guess what? You are a far more dramatic mother. And guess what else? We non-dramatic people, can't stand you. Parenting has changed avenues over the last century. Better yet, it has created entirely new infrastructures throughout its span. If I were to ask you one question, there would probably be three distinct groups. I'll ask my question. You can answer. And then, for kicks, let's see if you fell into one of my three categories. When does helping your children become hurting them? Group 1- NEVER! Group 2- Quit babying them, geez. Group 3 - Oh my, that certainly is tricky. Is it a case by case? Perhaps child by child? What about the age of the child. I think I need more information to answer this question. Okay, okay, so maybe group three seems like a cop-out, but let's rummage through this box of goodies we call help. The group ones of the world are the 9-1-1 paging drama queens of the 90's. These are the ones that go into the school, email, call, and everything else if it will make their baby feel special. These people run on emotions. You know them. The baseball team would be so much better if he got to play with his best friend. So out goes a call to make sure they are together for another mind-numbing season of butterfly chasing. Cindy got into the gifted program, but my daughter didn't. Couldn't you make a spot on that teacher's roster for my sweet child. She'll work hard. Who cares that they will either struggle, become frustrated, or slow the rest of the class. These children will never learn to earn anything outside of their parents saying that they did. They won't understand the feeling of accomplishment one receives when they are victorious on their own accord. And what happens after the age of 18? What happens when life teaches those kids that mommy and daddy can't save you from it all? Group two is filled with some of the best people on the planet. In general, they're giant butts. They believe that no help is the only way to help the child become successful in the future. They look to the drama llamas (we'll get back to this point) and call them sissy raising, good for nothing parents. Because group one creates soft children, group two creates warriors. These children learn to dust themselves off when they fall. These kids work harder than anyone else that can be found. IF they earn success, they do it through blood, sweat, and tears. Everyone is better because of that child's ability to care for themselves, finish school, parent themselves, fight for what they want, take what they deserve.... blah blah blah. I started out a group two-er. Hardcore. And still, I believe that group one-ers are hurting far more than helping. Group one creates a situation of enabling. However, group two will as well. In parenting, as in all aspects of life, there needs to be a balance. Parents will need to help their children. Plenty of studies show that children that don't succeed in the basics of school in elementary levels end up in prison, lower paying jobs (as adults not teens), and have an overall lack of satisfaction as adults. My kids have asked me about twenty times today, "Mom, will you help me?" As teacher and mom, I do help, as much as I can. Sometimes helping them would be giving them the answer. There are times for that as we are learning a new concept and we work together, but typically, they ask for help on things they must do on their own. So help doesn't look like what they want. They want guidance in form of a, b, or c? Often the help comes in teaching them how to rethink the question, re-read the question, or come up with a more direct question for me to answer that will help them get to the answer they need. I can help without giving away the answers. When your child comes home from school and needs help with their math, you can help them. Guide them to figuring out the answer on their own. If that isn't your forte, you can find a tutor, a friend, anyone that will help your child succeed. Notice though, helping a child to become successful at schoolwork does not mean - changing classes, changing teachers, ignoring the assignment, doing the assignment for them, or writing an email to the teacher. Parents need to find solutions themselves. Letting the child fail without intervention will not always make the child stronger. Some do succeed (read David and Goliath by Maxwell), but often kids need a nudge. But here is where I love my group two parents. Failure is one of life's best teachers. When you fail at something, you decide right then and there how you will face it. Do you just not care? That's probably not until seeds have taken root in teen years. For most children, failure means they will want to try harder to not fail again. They might think they will be unloved (I hope not, but it happens). They might be embarrassed. They might just find their own ways to become successful in this area. Group two can raise some tough cookies. The problem is that for every five tough cookies, there is bred a soft hearted fearful child. The same could be said in reverse for the group one parents. For every five soft mama's boys, there is a tough cookie that rises past. I think what this shows us is how much of that balance we need. There is a time to step up for your children. There will be a time when a phone call must be made, a meeting will be held, or heads will roll. Their your children. It is the job of the parent to guide them through. However, not every item that hurts your child's feelings is a need to fight for them. How many kids are in classes that are above their heads because a parent called, rather than the scores and teachers' evaluations processed? How many parents track down a coach at the end of a game and say, "Why isn't my child playing more?" Parents that are group one, love deeply, but they often forget that children are not perfect. Not every team needs your child. Not every job will deserve your child. Parents have to know when to fight, and when to let their kids fail. Here is the hint that I will give you: If you bring a stuffed llama to a high schooler's volleyball tournament because it's the "good luck llama" you might just be a full on group one parent. Are you raising your child to rely on you bringing a stuffed animal for top performance, or are you raising a child that is ready to face the challenge whether they win or lose? A study in positive psychology states that people's happiness levels should reach at max an 8 out of 10. If you are a 10 out of 10, you have nothing to reach for. It's okay for your kids to not always be happy.
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