Growing up, I assumed there was something wrong with me. I know, I know, you were in class with me and thought so too. But let me tell you why I thought things were screwy. I can have a conversation with myself at any time, for any length of time, any where, about anything. I'm that woman pushing the grocery cart with lips always moving. Thank goodness I'm a mom. I always have someone with me to say that I'm talking to. I always have someone in the back seat while I'm talking to myself in the car - it doesn't look as bad.
However, over the years, I've come to see how I'm not crazy for doing it. I'm playing back important parts of my life, or topics I want to write about. Sometimes I'm pretending to be on a TV show as a guest discussing my new book or series of kids' books. That may seem odd to you. You may even be someone who does it, but stifles it for fear of the looney bin. Why? I've come to learn that this is where creative juices flow. The tidal waves hit with ideas you wouldn't have come up with if you were just sitting and waiting. For some of us it may also help with the anxiety we have with talking to people or crowds. Mumbling to yourself in the mirror while you're getting ready may be exactly what you need. You can see your facial reactions and movements. Maybe you make a face every time you say a certain word and need to change it. (Like when I roll my eyes continually over just about anything.) As I've gotten older, I have come to learn that I am not alone in this. Many other people make themselves their own sounding board. I've recently dealt with some issues at my son's school. Children have said and done not so nice things to him. I won't go into details, but for almost 24 hours I talked to myself about it all. And when the principal called, I was prepared to say what needed to be said. I was my sounding board in troubled times. Don't you do that too? I know I have people in my life that do it, but I won't name names. There's a connection between the people that talk to themselves and myself. We're all creators in some way. We have our craft, be it one or more. When we allow ourselves to vent all the ideas, arguments, frustrations, and conversations in our minds, it allows us to focus on a point and work it out to completion. Painters create beautiful works, but I bet they talk to themselves beforehand. Think about how many thoughts pop into your head in a 30 minute drive. What happens to them? Most fly out your head and out the window. Some mean something to you and you store them. But what happens when you sit down to work? Those thoughts keep coming to the front of your mind. It distracts you. Like hunger. You need to feed your hunger to sit down and work or else all you'll want to do is go get food. It works the same way with our thoughts. So here I am, the crazy lady that talks to herself. I find myself doing it more and more. Perhaps I have so few people to talk to. Perhaps I have no desire to talk to other people and hear their opinions. Most of the time I think the conversations I have with myself would embarrass me if I ever said it out loud! I find myself in daydreams. I know, weird. Until one day I read that those who daydream are usually writers. (whew, that helps) People say there's a thin line between insanity and genius. The more I think about it, the more I understand exactly what they mean. I can't say I've produced anything that puts me in the genius category, but my continual work, the countless notebooks, and endless muttering definitely keeps me in the insane group. How many of us future geniuses are locked away in a padded room because we can't stop talking to ourselves?! I jest. In all seriousness, talking it out helps us put the pieces together. Maybe I am still weird. I mean, I do imagine myself on the Ellen show while her show gives away a copy of my book to everyone in the audience. Maybe I'm just preparing myself for what lies ahead. I feel weird when I do it. Many times I'm in mid conversation with myself when my husband walks by. "What's that?" "I didn't say anything," and my cheeks turn bright red. I'll leave it to you as to whether or not I'm a little messed up in the head. But I often wonder what life would be like if we all played out scenarios with ourselves when we're alone instead of scrolling our way to antisocialism.
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AuthorI have a lot to say about a lot of things. Archives
May 2023
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