I've been contemplating posting this, so if you choose to pass a blog post, this might be the one.
Paul wrote to the early Christians about doing what he did not want to do and not doing what he wanted to do. Isn't that all of us? I sure hope so. Then I won't have to worry about the company I'm in. It truly is a struggle. Today, I'd like to share a struggle of mine. It's nothing new, you all know it. No, it isn't cursing. Well, okay, I do have such a potty mouth even when I'm trying my hardest. I just can't figure out what my trigger is. This is something else. My depression. For some reason, the last three months have been plaguing me with my depression. As many of you know from my beginning posts I have battled depression for as long as I can remember. I believe I have fought it well. Most days I can fake it til I make it, if you know what I mean. But I've come to realize how much I loathe faking it. I think about it often. I think about curling up in a ball on the couch and watching movies all day, but y'all know I can't sit around all day. I think about just walking around the house doing whatever I want, whenever I want, but I don't have that luxury. I need to take care of kids. I need to teach children, tutor, train. That's when it hit me. Maybe I'm burned out. Maybe I'm just tired. But that wasn't it either. The problem is that I'm invested. I care about whether or not my students are doing well. I attend meetings with their teachers and parents. I text parents during off hours. I care about the people I train. I learn and research whenever I can. I work with them during their hours and after. We talk food, exercises, and so much more. I'm invested. Sometimes overly invested. Sometimes I feel that I give too much of myself to the people I work for/with. It can be mentally and physically taxing. But it's worth it if they too are invested and progress can be made. So what's the deal? Why am I in this fog? I know that there are chemical imbalances, blah, blah, blah. But where did it stem from this time around? Then I figured it out. There are two things I know about myself when it comes to my fight of depression. 1- When I give in, I let go of everything and everyone. I just flat out don't care. School work would be done. The house would be a mess. I would be half heartedly working and just plain not caring. 2- I enjoy it. I enjoy staying up late watching TV and sleeping in past 6. I enjoy being lazy. After so many years in depression, I became accustomed to it and enjoy it. It feels like home. But it isn't home! These children I must take care of, I want to take care of! So often when I decide to "give up" I lay on the couch. Well, guess who joins me? Yup, at least one of those little cuties ends up snuggling with me on the couch. We watch cartoons or a movie. My desire to stay up late may come back (if I'm actually functioning and awake) but my desire to be a good wife, mom, trainer, tutor, person, outweighs it all. Sometimes I feel that my life is just harder than others, and in some ways it is. I get bitter and angry because if I could just sell a novel, or if Charlie was a principal, or if I charged more for my services, if we just made more money, I wouldn't have to work as hard. But that's not true. I'll always have to work hard. Life wasn't made for you to just sit around. We need to make time to sit around. We need to find time to snuggle on the couch. We hit the reset button. We move through the pain and anger. On the other side is so much more. When I stop and think, I see how God has given me a life to overpower depression each and every day. Whether it is a good run that sets the endorphines up for a good day, or snuggles on the couch with my mini me, or board games with my genius, or breakthroughs with my clients, or just resting with my husband, God gave me ways to overcome the darkness. It's there. The rain cloud over Eeyore rests over me. I can look at the rain as refreshing and cleansing, or drenching and sorrowful. I can see the rainbow on the other side (a different promise of God) or I can look down to the mud. Yes, the struggle comes at me. It can take me down and out, or I can overcome.
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May 2023
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