The fact that you read the title of this post and still came to read tells me that you can and will give me a moment. For that, I am grateful.
Lately, I've been hitting a lot of realizations in my life. One in particular has stuck out to me. Everyone knows that I hide myself. Anyone that has ever dealt with depression understands this. There's a voice inside our head that wants to scream out to everyone, "Please help!" But there is a more controlling voice that overpowers it and says, "They don't want to hear about it." Unfortunately for me, I have found this second voice to be matched by interactions with people more times than I want to admit. Don't get me wrong, I have quite a few people in my life that tell me I can open up to them. They want to be my sounding board and they want to be available to me when I'm not up to snuff. But people like me need about seven of those positive people to beat each negative encounter we've had. I live in a world, where I cannot truly express myself. I know that many will argue this with me. They'll tell me to speak up and let the others deal with it, but there's a factor that many don't understand. If I announced on Facebook every time I was in pain from a flare, it would turn to white noise. If I answered every, "How are you?" with an honest answer- miserable, lonely, exhausted, legs are on fire, depressed, stressed, beat - I know that nobody would every ask me how I was doing again. It's overload. It's a lot to take in. And I know this from being on the other side of it as well. I have had friends that always have something wrong with them. It's exhausting to be around them! And that's a big reason why I keep to myself. I'm either a liar or a party pooper. I know that we have a lot of things screwed up in this world, but I hope one day I can openly say to someone that isn't in my immediate trust circle, "I'm in a flare. Just feeling crappy." And I would love for their response to be, "Sorry to hear that." I've had people ask me what a flare is. I've had people volunteer to help me with things. But I've also had people look at me like I had the plague and say, "Oh my gosh, you're not sick are you? I just got over the flu and can't get sick again." Yes. I am. I am sick from now on or until there is a cure. I can't share it with you, but if I could, I would, because you're a jerk. I wish I had an answer for all this. I wish I knew how to live in a world of honesty without bombardment. I don't. I don't have any answers for this. I can, however, offer this - you aren't alone. There are others that feel crappy. There are others with invisible diseases. There are others struggling. Find some trustworthy people that will let you spill your guts; those that won't judge you and will offer help if you need it or just let you vent. You'll need more than one. Then try to find the bright side- in anything. Feeling down? Great excuse to cuddle on the couch with a little one and watch a movie. Feeling terrible pain? Great time to learn relaxation techniques. Feeling lonely? Call or text ten people in one hour and see who responds. (The number is always higher than you think it will be.) We need to be real, but we can't get lost in our misery. We need others to find a way out.
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AuthorI have a lot to say about a lot of things. Archives
May 2023
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