My Story with Depression (Part 1) I have a memory from a time that I can't recall in exactness. I'm pretty sure it was the beginning of college. I was in my late teens or early twenties. I needed something from my mother's school supply cabinet. I had to pull out multiple items to get what I needed. One of the items I pulled out of the cabinet was a crayon box from the 5th grade. All over the box were the words of my mind as a 10 year old. "I hate myself" "I hate my life" over and over and over again. I was 10. So many things flooded to my mind that afternoon in my mother's dining room. I couldn't understand why my mother would keep that box of crayons. Keep the crayons, sure, but why the box? Why keep the box with the hatred and loathing all over it? But then the emotions flooded in. I felt ashamed that my mother had seen what I had written. I felt confused that my mother could see that and not send me to a psych. But overall I felt sorry for that 10 year old version of me who didn't understand why she hated herself so much.
As you can imagine I have lived my entire life with depression. But no matter how hard things were, I never said that I suffered from it. I used words like, "battle", "deal with," "fight," "live with". In my mind when I say "suffering from" I am giving power to the depression. It's hard to fight depression when you have already given the power to your adversary. However, when I say things like, "I battle my depression," I haven't given the power to the depression. I have acknowledged that the depression is there. I acknowledge that there is a chemical imbalance within me that needs to be righted, however those methods are. At the end of the day, however, I know the victory is won and the depression will not overtake my life. (I did attempt suicide as a teen. That is a story for a different time.) I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak from my own life and what I've seen in other people. It is easy to live in depression. It's easy to live in anxiety, stress, and countless other mental disorders. I came to the realization in college, while I sat in my apartment alone watching a movie into the early morning hours, that I enjoy living in depression. I'd say it sounds nuts, but... Seriously, though, I have found that it is easy to live in and enjoy being in depression. When you have been there for as long as you can remember, it feels like home. Think about it, I have spent my entire life battling depression. So when I get those times of sinking into it all, I feel like most people do when they go to their grandparents house and smell the sweet smell of cookies or whatever else makes you feel safe. I see this in other people all the time. It's easy to say, "I suffer from--" and live in it. When you do that, you don't have to move on from it. You can leave it as your excuse from dealing with it. You can make it your reason for acting a certain way. You can justify inappropriate behavior, words, and thoughts because you suffer from the illness. But when you choose to battle it, you can no longer live in it and feel comfortable. There's something that nags at you saying it isn't right. Being a Christian and living with depression can be difficult. I heard countless times that I did not have the joy of the Lord. They almost had the pain of my fist. Depression is so often misunderstood. I'm not sad. I can't turn it on and off. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain. I have accepted that. I have found non medicinal ways to fight- exercise, talking with people who understand, taking time for me, processing the way I need to, etc. But not one way that I can fight my depression is by calling it suffering. As a Christian, I refuse to. And here is why. We are called to suffer FOR not suffer FROM. Suffering from depression, stress, fibromyalgia, whatever else is not suffering FOR Christ's sake. We are told as Christians that we "will have tribulation in this world, but take courage; I [Christ] have overcome the world." To take courage is action. It's fighting. It's not letting something defeat us. I may have afflictions FROM, but I will press on FOR. I know that I will still have bad days. I know that this is an ongoing thing,* but I know that I will not take it under the burden of my words. It may seem like a petty thing to some, many, maybe all of you. I know that some of you want to fight me right now and tell me off. I don't know you and clearly I can't be trusted. But to me, the choice of words we use when dealing with depression, and other forms of illnesses, becomes our view of our affliction. If I am to deal with depression for the sake of someone else, let it be. If I can show God's love, the gospel, truth, and how it all ties in with depression, I will gladly take the hand I've been given. However, I will continue to battle. *A former client of mine, and fellow sister in Christ, was working out one day when she said how she had been released from her depression. All the prayer had worked. One morning she woke up and felt a burden lifted. She no longer suffered from depression. Perhaps this too is a story for another day.
1 Comment
Nana
3/9/2017 04:01:53 pm
My sweet JJ, if there is ever anything I can do, you need only ask. I am sorry that you have had to live in what I perceive to be a lonely world for so long. Have you considered medication? I'm always here..... I love you.
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