I was contemplating a variety of posts Tuesday morning. I even thought, "I'll write that one today and have it set to post on Thursday. Then I'll write this one and post it for Sunday. Yes, I'll have extra done!" Oh the well planned thoughts of man. You see, following that I received a terrible message of contact through this website right here. You all know the contact forms are for signing books and direct shipment, things of that nature. That morning, however, I received some nasty accusation about writing emails to people in my neighborhood, blah blah blah. It ate up too much time from my day as people were contacting me with apologies for the intrusive and abrasive act of the individual. I did continue on with my day, because of the fact that I just don't care for dramatics and bull.
While getting ready for volleyball matches I stood on the court talking to my husband. I turned just so and caught the sight of the volatile young man from weeks past. My mind new in that moment I needed to write something else. You see, over the last month I have been more and more aware of what I deserve. I deserve and apology from the nasty young man that spewed disdain for my child. I deserve an apology from the person of anonymity in the contact form. I deserve the respect of my children as I feed, clothe, teach and rear them. I deserve a higher income for the work I provide. It isn't just me. My husband deserves the job he is more than qualified to do. My son deserves an apology from the nasty young man. My pastor deserves a pay increase. My friend deserves justice. Oh! AH! See! That is it! I deserve justice! Vindication! Who doesn't? After all, aren't we all narcissistic, egotistical, .... Meh, y'all know I am not the strongest when it comes to vocabulary. We're selfish little brats that want their cake and eat it too and never gain a pound! I have recently written about my desire to fight for what is just. I believe there is a part of each of us that wants to do that. The problem is that we get so wrapped up in the justice that *I* deserve and what the people in our inner circle deserve that we don't reach much further out from there. Perhaps if we did, our perspective would realign itself to a healthy position. But I can't stop on this note. I am a person of honesty if nothing else. So let's talk about what else I deserve. I deserve wrath. I deserve punishment. I deserve separation. I deserve the pit of misery. For all the good I do, I have done and do just as much bad. Let's take something simple - driving. How many people have I let in during heavily trafficked times? How many people have let me in during heavily trafficked times? Take a guess on how that scale looks. Just in driving I am a selfish person. "Let me in. Let me in. Let me in. Oh, please." "Thank you." ..... "Yeah, yeah, buddy, we all want to get in. Wait your turn like the rest of us." Ugh. Face palm moment. Truth is, we all deserve the worst. We are all selfish human beings. Some more, some less. Thankfully, we have a grace giving, loving, caring God as our judge. People question how God can send people to a place where there is weeping and the gnashing of teeth. Well, each person gets to make a choice. He doesn't want ANYONE to go that route. Humans are designed in His image and he wants us to be with him. We do stupid things that require justice. We hurt each other. We hurt him. Somehow, some way, he decided that his son would take the wrath. The wrath I deserve for telling of the telemarketer that is just trying to do their job. The wrath I deserve for getting angry because my neighbors haven't figured out how to park. The wrath I deserve for choosing my desires over someone else's. And yet, by my coming to realization of who God is and what he has done, and seeking his face and asking forgiveness, I receive grace. After punk kid was a downright jerk to me, my son, and whoever else, I wanted an apology. I knew as I know now, that I will never get one. His pride is too much. I spend my time forgiving him, not seeking apologies. I have forgiven "Frosty" my anonymous accuser. I have forgiven friends, family, teammates, and neighbors not because they apologized, but because I have to. It is my duty as a follower of Christ to forgive out of love. Not my love, but his. He has forgiven me for so much more than I have to forgive these people for. For me to choose unforgiveness would be to miss the point of him forgiving me. I'm right back to the selfish person I'm trying to leave behind. The truth is that it is all mine. The pain that Jesus bore on the tree is mine. Grace I receive is mine. Who needs an apology when you can receive forgiveness? Oh, yeah, that's mine too. I hope it's yours as well. He has more than enough.
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May 2023
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