It wasn't all that long ago that I found myself falling into a new crowd. I fell into a crowd of homeschool moms. For quite some time I felt a sense of encouragement. I looked at women and thought, "If they can do it, clearly I can too." But let's face the facts, just because you can homeschool, doesn't mean you should homeschool. I have found far too many mamas that are failing their children. But hey, if they have the extra space in their house to keep their children until their deaths, who am I to judge? This area of life was just another circle of humans that I could "relate to" in some form or another.
Circles of influence change. When your children, it might be that you have friends based upon proximity. As you grow older, those friendships might change based upon distance, interests, time, or hurt. In high school you might be best friends with your teammates or worse enemies, but the team is still a circle you have access to. You could exchange team for a number of group activities found at this stage of life. College brings new circles. Adulthood a brand new set. But then, one day, you seem to be set. You probably keep up with certain people from various circles throughout your life, while others you allow yourself to slip away from. Sometimes you find that circles intersect. This person and that person know each other and they each know you in a different way. It's all fun and interesting. Sometimes it can get a little stressful. There are those times you need to juggle your circles to make sure that everyone is getting the amount of time they deserve. It may not all be equal time, but they get what they need, and what you need. Then there's a bump in the road and the circles get all jumbled up. Some circles start getting more time than they used to, while others are lost in the background. One morning you wake up and say, "Why don't so-and-so and I talk anymore? We used to text each other almost daily. Now I get a nod when I pass her in the grocery store." There are times when an answer is clear cut, you had a falling out, or someone got a new job/kid/spouse/whatever! Other times it just seems that without one person leading it, the relationship just ended. Times like these can be sad, or maybe even a relief that you no longer have to continue. When I sat down to write this post, I was really struggling. I have a plethora of unfinished, mostly finished, not-even-close-to-finished, and everything in between pieces. I opened up my laptop and thought about how I was going to write about my friend who is battling cancer with more poise and grace than I could ever accomplish. Then I realized that I would have to face emotions again, and I'm just not ready for that. Next, I thought about writing that Happy Homemaker piece, but I felt like it was useless after thinking about my friend. I had a cute and fun homeschoolin' mama bit, only to realize that it doesn't really effect my already low readership. Then I thought that might be a reason for my low readership and thought I definitely should type her up, but felt underwhelmed. I had some work on fibromyalgia I thought about sharing, but meh. As I filled up my water cup (because that is far more important than typing) I thought about that political/voter topic I began working on this past Tuesday. Clearly I left that at the water-cooler. As my mind jumbled around, all I could think was, "I don't wanna and you can't make me!" That is when it hit me. I have so many circles. Sometimes I feel like I do a bad job at being a teacher because I'm also their mom. And sometimes I feel like a bad mom because I'm also their teacher. I'm a bad friend because I don't put in the effort. I'm a bad taxi driver because I can't stand the traffic as I drive my children back and forth. I'm a bad woman because I don't know how to woman these days. Is mom-shaming back in yet? I'm usually pretty good at that. No? Dang. Isn't your daughter pretty. Bless her heart she just doesn't know much. At the end of the day, I can say this. Life is not fair. It isn't. For my sweet friend battling cancer, it isn't fair. To my kids that deserve a great mother all the time, they have a mom that experiences continual pain and overactive nerves that make certain sounds seem like the death of all beings, and it just isn't fair. The fact that I have fybromyalgia isn't fair. The kids who grow up with nothing because their parents can't hold down a job - it isn't fair. Children who have parents that aren't involved - it isn't fair. Friends that need help that don't receive it because the other person won't pick up the phone - it isn't fair. Life is not fair. It is just not fair. And it never will be. Not until all of the Book of Revelation is played out to the finish will life finally be fair. So, that being said, we have two options. We can sit around and mope, whine, complain, and become the most annoying people on the planet. Trust me, I see plenty of people doing this on a daily basis. Or we can accept it. Once we accept the fact that life isn't fair, we can handle it so much better. We can buck up and fight. We can pray. We can work. We can do what needs to be done. We can see that some people are just mean, lazy, evil, corrupt, etc. We get to show grace, mercy, love, peace, patience, and more when we see things as they are. We can make a difference. We can work around the unfairness and hope for the life that lies ahead.
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May 2023
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