Don't you love when happenings with your children match up with what you are working on with yourself? Well, if you write a weekly blog it's like heaven dropped into your lap. A snot nosed, teary eyed heaven. I mean...
Recently within our homeschooling adventures I allowed for the children to create a blanket fort in the playroom/classroom that they were allowed to do their school work in. However, it required the use of the table I usually work from. Ok, not a big deal. I can use their desks. Well, except that AJ and I are usually next to each other because she's friggin' four and needs me to sit there. So I ended up on the floor. That, naturally, means that I brought my cups with me to the floor. During a time where I was moving laundry around my cup of water had fallen over and spilled all over the floor. Ugh. I can't flip my lid because Caleb is on speaker with my aunt for his Latin lesson. However, the spill occurred under his desk so I need him out of the way just to clean it up. I get him to the kitchen table. I get towels. I begin to sop up the water from the carpet. When I came into the room, Caleb pointed to the spill with the it wasn't me look. When he was out, I noticed that the pencil that plagued my exhaustion (there are usually three pencils out solely from Caleb each day) had been picked up from under his desk. Aha! I caught him. He picked up the pencil and knocked it over. AJ denied the spilling. Caleb denied the spilling. Back and forth for far too long did we discuss that covering up one lie would only lead to more and a bigger punishment, and that even if you knocked it over by accident you simply own up and apologize and we move on. I explained repeatedly that I didn't care that they spilled the water, I just wanted honesty. Then it turned into, "Even if you aren't sure, you can say, 'It may have been me. I don't believe that it was, but I am sorry your water was spilled.' And we can move on." Nope. Then came Caleb's tears. He truly believed that he didn't do it, but began to see the possibilities that could have led to him doing it and just not knowing. It took much longer for my mini-me to admit that even though she didn't think it was her, there were still possibilities that could have led to her inadvertantly spill the water. That's exactly where I am. I was confronted by a friend recently. Although I don't believe that what she was saying was accurate, I have been giving the last few days over to possibilities. I have been confronted with the desire that I would not put up so many walls to keep people out. This is a person that has heard me say, "I will tell you whatever you want to know. Just ask." Still, I do not appear to her as an open book. We sat and discussed with another friend in the room. I mentioned how when I am in pain (as I was that day) I usually just stick to myself so that I don't bother others with the ramblings of my complaints. The burden is mine to bear. She rebutted with the idea that I was to share so that I could be prayed over. True. I'll give her that one. I often feel like I have met my quota of complaints through my husband and try to let him deal with it and let my friends enjoy the non-whiny Jewel. The other friend also brought up that people often view me as intimidating. Look, when you have mastered RBF at the age of three, it happens. However, with my muscle mass and drive, others have said that my first impression is intimidation. This baffles me, truly. But I guess that since I walk around like I just plain don't care - because I don't- it comes off as intimidating. Sorry, not sorry. I supposed that at the end of that conversation, this is where we were leaving it. Then, I started thinking. (I know, scary!!) Even though I don't believe that I am putting up walls, it is coming across as that I am. So where could I be putting up walls that I don't realize? I have an idea of one. For this we will change walls to fences. Many of us put fences around our yards to keep people out. It's a boundary that says, "This is my yard, not yours. Stay out." However, when my husband and I bought our house, the mindset was less about keeping people out and more about keeping the dog in. And now it keeps the children in. Perhaps this wall she feels is not a wall to keep her out, but to keep myself in. Many people keep themselves inside their walls. They don't want people seeing and knowing the real them. Personally, I don't care if you know the real me. Or at least the real me I believe is actually the real me. I do hold myself in, though. I know this. It isn't out of fear of people knowing the real me. It's out of a mindset that people couldn't give a rip to know me. Unfortunately, I find myself indifferent to it. I think, if they want to know about me, they'll ask. Or, I think, "They probably don't want to hear about my problems, they have their own to worry about. I've gotten by this long, I'll keep on keeping on." I've become, dare I say it, emotionally self sufficient in too many ways. What I couldn't handle I've left up for grabs between God and my husband. Bits and pieces have been thrown out, scattering the seeds of my life. Ultimately, I do have a fear in all of this. It has been over four years since I have had a best friend. A female best friend. The last time I had a best friend, she left me. Since then, I have held back. I have found friends and shared, but I don't believe I will ever have a best friend again. Because lets face it, at this point if I don't have a best friend, there are few with vacancies open like myself. So I don't invest in people the way I used to. I don't deposit the bits and pieces of the details of my life all within someone else. It seems each person gets a certain amount from me, but never all. Why? Fear that they will leave as well. So perhaps there are walls that keep me in. I don't mean to have them. And you are welcome in. Maybe one day it will be more like an invisible fence. Sure, I'll end up getting a shock once in a while, but at least it will be more welcoming.
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AuthorI have a lot to say about a lot of things. Archives
May 2023
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