A few weeks ago I posted about depression and anxiety. A simple piece stating what goes on in the mind of those dealing with these issues. A couple of weeks after that post, I decided I wanted to write this one. Then I decided against it. You see, this discusses something a little more personal in the lines of anxiety. I have argued back and forth, asking myself why I want to write this, and why I want to keep it a secret. Honestly, I feared the responses. On the one hand I would have people that would pity me. “Oh it’s okay, you’ll be fine. Keep going strong.” On the other hand I would be getting the eye rollers. “Way to make something out of nothing.” Please know, if you read this and think either side of those responses, this clearly wasn’t meant for you. Or maybe it was. Maybe you should reread it to fully understand. Anyway, I’ll begin.
They often say that no news is good news. I used to feel that way too. Even in recent months I believed that. Now I’m not so sure. As a writer, you must submit to publishers if you want your work published. It’s just the nature of the beast. Here’s the best part about submissions- they don’t have to respond to you. In fact, it is generally acknowledged that if you do not hear back from an editor by x amount of time, they do not want your work. And that was my first experience with no news is bad news. When I’m in my writer’s world, that is the take I have. This year I’ve also had some new medical issues arise. My neurologist was concerned about a few not happy issues that could be plaguing me and requested another MRI. I was told I would be called within a certain time. That time lapsed. Then the office called and scheduled a time for the PA to go over the results of the MRI. She didn’t call. So what did I assume? No news is good news. Not this time. She eventually did call. I have a tear in a disc in my cervical spine. We don’t know what caused it. I did physical therapy for a while. I still have issues, but whatever. Guess it isn’t that serious. It’s a better answer than what they were looking for! In recent months I figured it was time to see a new dermatologist. I had a few areas of concern. The PA got right to work and did some minor removals. She told me all would be biopsied and that they would call the next week with the results. One week passes. Two weeks pass. No news must be good news. Then I get a call. The week of Thanksgiving I’m told that one area is showing pre-cancerous cells and I need to get in for a procedure to remove some more, deeper cells. I sat in my closet. I sat in shock. I began to worry. I began to fear. She had said the word melanoma and I tried to remember, “Is that the good one or the bad one?” Here is wear someone with anxiety takes it too far. I play the worst-case scenarios. I didn’t take their next available appointment. If I did, I would have been unable to carry my bags on my family vacation, and that didn’t sound like fun. Stitches on my back on a plane ride sounded unenjoyable. I asked for a different date. I scheduled the appointment. Then my mind raced again. What if I’ve waited too long? What if the cells already changed and now the cancer is there? Will it be spreading by the time I go in? (Do you see how quickly this derailed?) This is anxiety in real life. Truth is, I called my mom and asked if she could watch the kids. I drove the kids to dance. I went home and worked. I moved on, keeping all the crazy to myself. Fewer than 5 people were told of what was going on. No reason to tell anyone else. If I’m really being honest, I wanted to tell everyone (hey internet!). I wanted people to be concerned for me. I wanted people to pray for me. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was too fresh. I needed to process the situation. The day that this is posted is the day of the procedure. Do I have concerns? Yes. How big will the stitches be? How much of my life will be altered? Why can’t you just knock me out? I’m more nervous about being awake through the procedure than the actual procedure. This preventative measure is a good thing. I’m rational. But there is a little voice that plays the worst-case scenario still: they might find something worse. If you refer back to the post on anxiety you’ll remember that I know that I’m being crazy!! It’s okay. Readers, remember this- when you’re dealing with a person with anxiety issues, they don’t need a reminder of how they’re being irrational, or how everything will be fine. Deep down inside, we know it already. We (I) just need a sounding board to work out the crazy until we get to the clarity. Just smile, validate, laugh with, pray for, and listen. Eventually, we come around. No news is not always good news, but it isn’t always bad news. Sometimes it’s just news.
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May 2023
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