When I was in college, my now ex-sister-in-law once told me that you should never drink when you think you need to. Basically, it was her way of saying not to deal with the troubles of life through alcoholic consumption. I get that. Would hate to become an alcoholic. I found it to be sound advice. Even still, I was, and am, reminded of a song from the group Jagged Edge that says, “I need a drink, cuz you’re drivin me to drink.” Truthfully, it makes me giggle. I can simply sing those lyrics and never take a sip. I know that the reason I “need” a drink is because some other person is “driving me” to drink. And that makes me feel like there is a little bit of a community to it. I’m not alone. Someone else needs a drink because people have sent them to their last piece of rapidly fraying rope.
Recently, I have noticed that I am not myself. My already short fuse is cut to barely anything. My emotional stage seems to be set for “on edge” in every way possible. Happiness- tears. Rage – tears (and choice words). Fear- tears. Anxiety- I think you get it. Anything can set me off in any direction and I wonder why? The answer: these past few months have been beyond difficult. Personally, I have had multiple work issues that set me up for frustration. There are things like: losing a client (income drops), gaining a client (time drops), shipping of books delayed once again, lack of communication, selling opportunities rained out, and so on. That is difficult. It’s difficult to navigate alone, and moreso when your family counts on you. Socially, we haven’t had many opportunities for me to engage in adult conversation. A few clients enjoy the chit chat and daily ongoings, but no more shooting the breeze with dance moms (I’m mostly okay with that), or time hanging with church ladies. And then if you do get the time to socialize, will someone bring up a hot ticket item? Lord, please, I hope not. I don’t want to discuss politics. Because that is a whole different level of stress that is looming over us. And at the end of the day, I hear so many people say, “You should take some time off.” I hate those words. Can I just say that no woman with a similar life has ever told me to take time off or to take a vacation. Why? Because they know the truth: I can’t. Yeah, yeah, I’m being dramatic. But what exactly does taking time off look like for someone in my shoes? To go away means: no work (paid by the client/hour) which means a day trip might drop my income by $15 or $80 and multiple days means more than that, spending money on gas/food/attraction, kids do not have school. So I am out the money I would make and out the money I spend on things to do or to get there or to eat. And then I have to add another school day to our calendar in the year ahead. “Go on the weekend” Well, I work on Saturdays. It is usually my only means of income for my writing business. Unless it rains, I need to be there. Sunday? That is one thing I’m not a fan of. On Sunday, I want to be home relaxing, not driving/walking/exploring/exhausting my one day. Is it do-able, yes, but usually Monday is a little harder. There are some that say I should take a day for myself. No kids. Just me. Go somewhere. Well, I gave some reasons why that doesn’t work. The other side is- what do I do with the kids? Get a sitter? More money spent. Ask family? I could, but either my family would have to watch over school, drive to dance, and whatever else, or my kids miss out on things. Then let’s face it. Mom guilt settles in. Mom guilt is that feeling that when something good is happening, the kids should be involved. Or we shouldn’t be having fun without them. We see all sorts of good things and think, “Oh they would love this!” “So take the kids!” No! They’re the main source of me going insane!! Well, I think you see how things are. Sometimes, we moms are overwhelmed. At least I am. I can’t speak for everyone, but I feel like this virtual schooling, cohorting, up in the air school situation has landed more mothers in my shoes. I can’t speak for all, but I know that I am: The keeper of schedule The driver The fundraiser The laundromat The chef The maid The teacher The tutor The budgeter The lonely The frazzled The time misplacer The memory maker The stressed The tired The weary The warrior. This mama is ready for that drink, but I’d rather have a nap.
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AuthorI have a lot to say about a lot of things. Archives
May 2023
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