Dear Classmates,
Did you know? When we were in class together, or ate lunch together, or played around in study hall, did you know? Did you know that depression was crippling my life? Did you know that I felt like my world was falling apart on a regular basis? My initial guess is that you didn’t. Let’s face it, you were worried about your own lives. You had your own issues. I get it. I saw them. I saw my friend become anorexic. I watched another struggle through bulimia. I saw the struggles of the sexually confused. I even assumed that the most sexually active in class were really just looking for someone to love them. But that’s because I was off on my own. I sat alone, even when people were near. I listened to it all and gave little to the conversations. I will say, when it came to my friends and their struggles with weight, I was quick to ask and offer help, despite their denials. I didn’t want my friends to suffer. So, former classmates, if you did see it, why didn’t you want to talk about it? Was it too awkward? Did you not know what to say? I get it. It’s hard to approach the subject. I understand. Those that didn’t see it, can you look back and see me? There were times of frivolous writing in my journal that got me through so much of my depression. Writings of poetry, journal entries, and even some doodles of knife pierced hearts. There was sleeping in class. No, I wasn’t that tired. I was depressed. I had no desire to lift my head. There was a quick lunch often at a full table, but the conversation was limited to just my closest friends. I couldn’t share what was going on. I’ll never forget the two times that I was noticed, seen, in my depression. One was a guy that was a year older. He met me through a mutual friend. We spent hours talking on the phone. He was a goth kid. Oversized jeans, all black, chromed anything, and Vans, of course. Yet, on the phone, he was the best friend a girl could ask for. He listened. When the bomb threat came to school and I said I was happy to go to school, maybe the bomb would take me out, he knew that I was struggling. He asked questions. He let me talk. He didn’t give me unsolicited advice. He made me laugh. He was there. The second time someone found me was in the girls’ bathroom downstairs outside of the gym. I always chose that bathroom because it was empty, but right next to the gym so I could get to practice. I was trying to muster up the strength to head to another afternoon of torture. My parents were having issues. My brother was at college, and I didn’t have much time to hang out with him. My friends were busy with their things while I was at basketball every day. Basketball was the place I felt more at home, until my coach became a nasty human that tried to make me miserable. A teammate saw me in the bathroom. She had come in quickly, but was upset that her boyfriend had broken up. When I didn’t give her the sympathy she desired, she snapped, “What do you have to be upset about? Your boyfriend didn’t just break up with you!” Oy. I guess that’s why I chose for you, my classmates to not see me. I didn’t talk about it. I didn’t want to deal with the criticism. Basically, I assumed more of you would be like the second person, rather than the first. Let’s face it, my depression would have been a burden on many of you that you wouldn’t have understood or been able to handle. But just once, I wish one of you would have tried. I wish one person would have seen me and talked. Was I all alone? I’m sure that others of you were in the same boat. Maybe we could have found solace. Alas, here we are. Classmates, if you still don’t know what it looks like when a person is clinically depressed, suffering from anxiety, or just plain hurting, I hope that you will stop every once in a while, and look. Look around you to people’s faces. Look in their eyes. Check their posture. Look for others and really see them for who they are. You just might be the first student that listened and changed my life. Sincerely, Your classmate on the other side
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AuthorI have a lot to say about a lot of things. Archives
May 2023
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