I first began running before I got married. I was trying to lose the weight I had put on from working non-stop, eating crap, and having no time to work out. I didn't get back into running until after my first child for the same reason - losing weight.
After a bit, I found myself enjoying the runs because I had time to myself. It became a time of reflection, prayer, and so much more. And when you have little people always calling out to you and relying on you for basic needs, a few minutes alone while running away (literally) from the house is quite cathartic. I find my times of solitude refreshing. I have, however, been struggling in the waves of solitude in the past few years. In high school, I remember feeling very alone. I felt isolated. Nobody understood. Nobody was going through what I was going through. Nobody could help - if they even wanted to. Depression has the ability to separate us from human contact in so many ways. We hear lies being told that we aren't good enough, nobody will ever love us, and there's no hope in trying. Lord help us if we do try and get rejected. The vile spew seeps into our hearts and minds with no restraint. I did have a person, my former youth leader, that found me in the crowd of people and saw me for who I was. It was during times with her that I realized I wasn't alone. I was very lonely. I could be in a crowd of hundreds of people and feel like I was floating on an island. And in my emo state of being I found that there was a difference between being alone and being lonely. The last few years, I have found myself more and more lonely. Part of it is because I am very much alone. I work with clients about 10 hours a week, more or less. On Saturdays, I have my booth at the Farmers' Market. Otherwise, I have little to no adult contact throughout the week. In the last year I have made great strides in getting together with a friend every other week to chat and walk and be an adult. But even that is little contact. Unfortunately, for my emotional stability, we have chosen a lifestyle that keeps me from interaction. We homeschool. We don't do co-ops. I work from home, one-on-one, for an hour at a time where I am focused on the needs of my client. I write (hello solo career!) And the times when my children get to be social? Those are the times I'm working of course. Why? Because when they're doing school, I have to be the teacher! Let's not forget I'm the primary caretaker of the home - driving, shopping, cooking, cleaning (which I was able to give over to my husband more) and endless loads of laundry. Although I didn't realize the price I would pay in isolation, I made these choices for the betterment of the family. And I stand by those choices. But what I wouldn't give for the chance to head out on a Tuesday at 11 and catch up with friends for lunch, or walk around Target with other moms. So why do I keep choosing to run alone in the mornings? I did try running with friends. It wasn't terrible. But I found that I truly do enjoy the CHOICE to be alone in the mornings. It is my decision to be alone. It is my will to think or zone out. I don't know how life will change over the course of the years. I don't know if I'll miss these moments. But truly, I miss being able to chat with friends in the middle of the day. Those that go to work and deal with stupid people, be thankful you have a coworker or two to let off some steam with. We're made for community. Enjoy it. Not all of us get to.
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May 2023
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