The last few weeks I've discussed the topic of love at different levels. This week, I feel, wraps it up on the love fest. Last week I was putting the pieces of the puzzle together and I realized that things were coming to a head last weekend.
There are many ways that love is shown. In fact, the Bible discusses love at great length (like from beginning to end of the entire book). Many discuss love as it should be - on various levels. I love coffee. I love the taste. I love the warmth, or cold if iced on a summer day. I love the memories I can associate with coffee. I love the caffeine that drives its way through the coffee. Aside from the yellowing of teeth, coffee can do no wrong in my book. But to say I love coffee on the same level as friends and family would be inaccurate. Coffee is clearly better. In our leveling of love, we find three main forms of love. There is brotherly love, romantic love, and unconditional love. This past weekend as I watched two become one in their romantic love, I witnessed brotherly love. And in that same event, I found unconditional love. Within the scope of the same wedding, I saw conditional love, and the effects it has. You see, romantic love can hide some of the flaws within the relationship. Things that might be found annoying are covered with the overall love one has for the person committing the annoyance. Brotherly love can also move around defects of someone. It might turn into a joke amongst family or friends. It might be credited to someone that their flaw is due to someone or something else, and so friends dismiss it. Unconditional love is unmatched. It doesn't cover or change. It doesn't ignore. It loves through the messes and issues. Conditional love is simply an oxymoron with those jumbo shrimp. Love that has conditions is no love at all. Unfortunately, we were forced to witness what conditional love looks like in real life experiences. My friend walked down the aisle on the arm of her brother. She watched her husband dance his last dance with his mother. She then danced with her brother. However, the brother was interrupted and her uncle stepped in. Not long after, the next uncle. Finally, the third uncle. For anyone that doesn't know the scenario, they would think, "How amazing is it that the men in her family will step up to be there for her." Even I, knowing the situation, thought those words. The problem? Her parents are alive and well. They live not far from me. They could have been there. They should have been there. Why weren't the parents there? The mother drew a line in the sand. She didn't approve of the groom. But this isn't like that song on the radio. There was no asking of permission. This couple has been together for about six years! Her mother decided in the beginning that she didn't approve of him, and that was that. Look, y'all know I'm all about some tough love. I believe the coddling in this country is too much to bear. But there is nothing this side of heaven that would keep me from my children's weddings. Nothing. I guarantee you at some point at least one of my children will date someone I don't like. The chances are high seeing as I don't care for people in general. I have two choices in that time. I can say my peace and draw my line in the sand, or I can say my peace and love them through it. One is love based upon conditions, the other is not. I hold my children accountable. I make them apologize when they hurt someone. I make them mad when they aren't allowed something their friends are. I make my decisions based upon what I believe to be the best for them. They're children. They screw up. I'm not forcing my kids to do things in order to love them again. Even when I want an apology, I don't always get it. I don't make them stop talking to someone because the kid is a bad child. I set boundaries. I explain and teach what I want of them. I expect the most of them. And I love them even when they are giant pains in my behind- which is also giant thanks to the smaller one. One day they will grow up. Everything I think I have taught them will hopefully be within them, helping to guide them into good decisions. At some point, they may (definitely will) walk outside of those teachings. As an adult, I will have to look at my adult child and make a decision. I can try to ignore it and not confront it. I can confront it and draw the line. Or I can confront it, and leave it on their shoulders. If I bring the Bible and say, "This is what God's word has to say about..." then I have done all I can do. At that point they will have to take responsibility for their own actions. And thanks to the grace of the cross, I can love them even when I don't agree with them. It may hurt my core, but I can love them through it all. Those of us that knew the background of the bride and her parents were happy to see the uncles step up and say, "We're here with you. We're still your family." We watched as men danced with the bride that should have been her father. It was heartbreaking. I can't begin to form the words for how my friend feels/felt. All I can do is love her through it. You may say, "So what?" Well, here's my take-away point. The mother's concern was that the bride would be led away from her teachings and from God. Yet, through the last six years, the mother has failed to do her job as a Christian: Love. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. Love your daughter the way Christ loves you. Show the world your love- God's love- by loving through your hurt, disappointment, and pain. That is the saddest part. The mother chose herself. She chose guilt trips and lectures over shopping trips and girl talk. And because of that, we all witnessed conditional love under the guise of Christian standards. She hurt my credibility as a Christian. And throughout it all, sadness was replaced with alcohol consumption that night. Might that have been different if there was love? We are called to love. I know that it can be difficult. Nothing worth doing is easy. I hope that we can balance out which lines must be drawn, and which lines must never be. I hope that we can see how powerful our love can be when we are rooted in God. In case you're wondering, the father is not in my mind the man he should be. In this scenario, he chose his wife over his daughter, which is commendable and appropriate. However, for far too many years he has chosen to do as his wife says to keep the peace. He didn't choose to take his wife's side because he believed it to be right. The Bible says that the man is to be the head of the household. This marriage does not show that. Now, we aren't behind closed doors with them. I haven't heard their conversations. I have heard from others what the bride's father has said, and it saddens me. Perhaps if he had led, they would have loved. Perhaps if there was love, there would have been more to approve of. Perfect love casts out fear. Conditional love casts out family members to the arms of lovers, liquor, and longing.
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