Hopefully we left off last week with a hint of curiosity mixed with agitation. That's good. That means you're thinking. If you were completely offended, well, get over yourself. If you don't have a dog in the fight, but like to watch things play out, welcome.
So, last week we talked about carrying school bags for children. I ended the post with the statement that I will not enable my children. It seems a bit of stretch to go from carrying your kid's backpack to being an enabler. Let me unpack it for you. As you read this keep some things in mind - I am still around children all the time, despite not being a teacher anymore. My husband is still in public schools. My kids are heavily involved in dance. And I am, unfortunately, still a tutor. Alice picked up her son's bag from next to my dining room table. She walked to the door, while her son Jerome finished the last problem on his page and followed her out the door. I thought Alice must be in a rush. But then it happened again. Alice carried his bag from my floor to her car. Now, Jerome is not a little boy. He's finishing the third grade. He is stocky and strong. His bag is not heavy. But every single day I watch Alice carry his backpack. She carries it to the bus stop. She carries it to her car. She carries it all the time. Her claim: to help Jerome. Jerome doesn't need help. I learn more about the family. Jerome has an older brother Mike. Mike is not a go getter in the classroom. He often forgets his homework at the house and asks Alice to bring it to the school. If she refuses, he asks her to scan it and email it to the teacher. She does. Sometimes Mike doesn't manage his time well. He enters class and just after the bell rings for class to begin, he is trying to leave for the restroom. The teacher, wanting to teach (how dare they!), asks Mike to wait. Mike texts Alice to tell her that the teacher won't let him go to the bathroom. Alice calls the school. Bathroom denial is unacceptable. Except - Mike had time before class. Mike should have remembered his paper. Mike thinks that Alice will always rescue him. I spoke with Mike at a tutoring session (yes, I took on both children). I asked him about his plans for the future. He was quite sure of himself. He was going to take over the family business. Sounded good. I asked him who would take care of the books, as he was struggling with algebra. He figured his mom would. He didn't think about the fact that if his father was retiring his mother would too. Mike just grew up thinking his mom would always take care of whatever he couldn't. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I think it's funny that Alice is always helping her boys at a young age for things they don't need help with, only for them to grow older and expect her to help. Well, hop, hop, hop. I guess I will jump to that conclusion. Alice created a home that wouldn't allow for her children to fail. She picked up the slack. She picked up more than just a backpack. I became a tutor for her family because she didn't want her son to fail. I get that. Nobody wants that. But as I learned more and more about the help that was received during homework, it showed me that she was giving answers, not helping. Alice isn't alone. Again, I'm a tutor because parents don't know how to help their kids without giving answers. But in tutoring, I have seen so many parents enable their children. They don't allow their child to fail. Honestly, I fail all the time. Still. as an adult. And you know what? I don't go off the rails on a drinking binge, or shopping spree. Failure is part of life. I know that. Every human needs to learn that. Keeping children from failure keeps them from reality. They are unable to cope with failure as adults when they don't deal with failure as a child. So let the kid carry their own bag. Let the child struggle to walk to the bus stop. Let the kid ask his own teacher for help, not you setting up a meeting. If you want to help your child, help them figure out the answers to their problems.
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