No, this isn't a post about having babies and such so don't go there.
There is one part of my life that has always received such criticism and negativity. Real simple- I have expectations of people in my life. Plain and simple. My soon to be husband and I sat in my pastor's office 7 years ago as he led us through his premarital counseling. What he told me has stuck with me ever since. Every fight, argument, hard time, disappointment, cry fest all comes down to unmet expectations. "No way," I thought, but I listened. It all comes back to an unmet expectation that caused fear, anger or hurt. Huh. Who knew? Well, I tried to take this theory in. I went through every previous fight- not just me and Charlie, but anyone and everyone. Sure enough the fight stemmed from an unmet expectation on either side of the fight. Need an example? Let's say your husband is a teacher and has an in-service day at a different school. He packs his lunch for the break and though he dreads the "classes" he'll take, he is eager to be home sooner than normal. He leaves. He comes back almost an hour earlier than he would of. How great. Then a few days later you are doing the banking and you see that someone went to a local eatery on the day your husband had an in-service day. What goes through your mind? Maybe it's "who is he out with on a school day?" or "Is he cheating on me with a teacher?" "He never even told me. Why is he being so secretive?" Perhaps it's "Why is he going out for lunch, he knows we can't afford it!" or "YOU get to go out for lunch while I take care of your children and never go out for adult conversations during the school week or ever!" Well, maybe it's all of them. Let's look at the stem of them - fear of him cheating, hurt that he never told you and is being secretive, anger for using money you don't have, anger for getting a day out. So you confront him on this. He says, "Bob wanted to go out for lunch so we did. I forgot to tell you, sorry." From here I'll let you determine how you feel about it all. But it all started because the expectation you had for your husband was that he would be eating lunch at the school and coming home. When that expectation wasn't met, the emotions came. I often wonder if that is why we have stopped placing expectations on people. I continually see people who have met the low bar standard of expectations that were laid upon them, and I am not impressed. Having expectations for the people around you is a good thing. It teaches you what you feel you need from each person as well as helps that person become more than what they would have been without the expectation in front of them. From the example above, my husband now tells me when he needs to spend money so that we don't overdraft (I don't think we did from this particular occasion, but it has happened) and so that I don't go crazy when I see weird charges on the account. He also calls me when he is going out for lunch with teachers so I can be prepared. He grew. He became a communicator. He also learned how his actions away from me can still affect me. (Honestly, I always go worse case scenario and think he's cheating on me with some hot new English teacher I haven't met. I'll work on that.) He also expects me to trust him more, which I have learned and grown in. As a teacher I was not always liked by the teenagers. And one particular volleyball player showed me exactly why. She asked me why I wanted them to do "so much." At that moment I realized, I hold my players to expectations that others never did. I held my students to higher expectations than other teachers. (In my defense, when I have 42 teenagers in a space where I hand them objects to be thrown, kicked or hit I need higher expectations than a teacher with 24 kids in desks.) Back to topic, is it really that bad to hold my players to certain expectation? To pass their classes, show up on time, work hard, and be respectful. Those were the expectations. And it was too much for some of them. Today's society is creating a world where expectations of people have gone out the window. I have great expectations for my children. Why? Because I hope for them to be great! After spending years in the high schools, I learned that if you want your kids to be great, you must expect them to do great things from the beginning. I have searched my brain all week to find complaints that people have had about my kids. Let's see, my son got in trouble for helping his group spell their words. OK! I will take it! I hear day in and day out how polite they are, how they use their manners, how well they act. Do you think they popped out of me like that? Do you think they just magically figured out how to say please and thank you? It takes work. It takes the setting of expectation that when someone hands them something, they will say, "thank you." It takes setting the expectation that they say "excuse me" when I am speaking to someone else. What is so wrong with expectations? You know what, I'll tell you what is wrong with expectations. When you set expectations for your children, you have rules. You have boundaries. You have to put in work as a parent and hold them to the expectations you have laid out. And if they succeed you know you had a hand in their greatness. And if they fail? Well there are many ways to turn that out, but the majority of what I see is that they still end up a little better than those without expectations. And here's the thing, if you set expectations for your children, husband, whoever, you will get labeled and judged like nobody's business. "You're too mean." "You're so strict." "We know who wears the pants in that family." "Oh, you can let it go." You will get criticized about what you do, while the same person is complimenting your marriage, children, team or whatever the relationship is. People will think that you don't do anything for the ones you love, that you take and take and take, when really you have done more than people outside of your home could even believe. People will automatically think that you have no ability to love, when truly setting the expectation in the first place is the deepest sign of love. You are telling the people you love that you care enough to put in the time to walk beside them and help them reach their full potential. Whew... That's a lot on both sides of the expectations. However, if I did not say that bit, I might just explode.
2 Comments
I think many of my friends (and their parents) viewed my parents as too strict for the mere reason that they had certain expectations of us. And while I am not big-wig on Wall Street or well-known economist or prolifically published author, I do see where I've been able to achieve more success as an adult as a result of my parents driving me to always be the best that I can be.
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Jewel
3/13/2017 08:23:24 am
We see it now as adults. I saw it when I was in high school and college a little, but more as an adult.
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