What to do? What to do? Well, I don't have the typical 9-5 job. That was made clear to me recently as a friend said, "You don't work." I wasn't upset. Still am not. I knew what she meant by it. She meant that I don't leave my house and drive to an office for eight hours and drive home. She was really more concerned with the time constraint of being locked into her desk for those hours verses my ability to get up and out of the house, if I so choose.
Having been in similar shoes as my friend, I completely understand it. I have worked from before the sun rose to not getting home until well past dinner time. The issue came about from a discussion of her work having them shop for the angel tree. As much as she is for the angel tree, she finds herself without much time to shop. I remember those days. It is exhausting. Travel time alone will frustrate you alone, not to mention poor drivers. Then factor in coworkers, who you work for or around. As a former teacher and former shop owner, I can tell you that retail and teaching are both terrible jobs in terms of people some days. However, after becoming a stay at home mother, I could tell you that the time away from your house makes you appreciate your house more. The drive alone in a vehicle without voices from the back seat calling for you and asking questions that they have known for two years is a payment worth more than money. Training people has become a wonderful profession for me. One that I know I should always be a part of. I greatly enjoy working with people that want to improve their lives. However, I still don't leave my residence. And those little voices follow me the twelve feet to the garage. Some days, I miss getting up to leave and "make a living" for my family. But then I have days like today. I had the privilege of reading The Adventures of Bugaboo & Ladybug to Ashley Hall's Lower School. They were incredibly prepared for me. They were helpful, cordial, and grateful to have me. It was another day that I thought, "People think it's cool to meet me. People think I'm worth having at their school." So many days I think I'm just typing stuff up for wishes and dreams. I lose hope that this is the path that I am supposed to take. But it takes just one day of going out to a school and being appreciated for the work I've done to revitalize my spirit for words. No, my job, my life, is not typical. I don't get up and sit in traffic. I get up and fit my workout in before the rest of my house wakes up. I don't send my kids off to school or daycare with their lunch bags and happy faces. I spend my time with them in the mornings and afternoons teaching them and helping them understand the curriculum we've woven together. I don't sit around and chat with coworkers. I barely have any adult conversation in my life; training sessions last an hour and that is maybe 5 hours a week, my husband and I speak for maybe an hour a day sometimes two, and any other time is sparse. I don't think people always understand the difference in being a stay at home mom and a woman working a 9-5. Add in everything else, I too often feel like a fraud. There. I said it. Just as my friend had said it so plainly - I don't work. That is what I hear myself say over and over. I know I'm "working" by doing the laundry and making meals. I know that I am working when I'm outside with my clients, but those hours are under a typical part time job. I am spending my time writing and submitting to publishers. I'm booking engagements to sell books all the time. Since that doesn't look like the world's typical idea of success and working, it feels like I don't work. Today once again reminded me of all the work I do. I saw books leave my home for the hands of children. I answered questions regarding the process of writing and editing. I remembered the truth despite hearing the lies. I work. I write. I read my stories to many. I will continue to do so. Even when others don't see the results of my work, I will continue.
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May 2023
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