Many years ago I was entering into marriage counseling with the great Jon Davis and my then fiance. We weren't far out from our wedding day, and this was part of Jon agreeing to marry us. So off we went to his home office. He asked us to purchase a particular workbook and we did. And he gave us a piece of advice based off of this workbook. All our hurt, anger, frustration, pain, and everything else that we find destructive to relationships comes from unmet expectations. So he had us go through this section of the workbook that brought up times we were angry and what our expectations were, what actually happened, and how it was clear that our expectations were not met and therefore brought out anger. We had to repeat it with hurt feelings and the like. Over and over I saw how my emotions played out my unmet expectations.
Overall, this was phenomenal advice. When we would "fight" I would approach Charlie with "My expectation was that... And because that expectation was not met, I feel .... " Don't get me wrong, I would still yell or cry or whatever, but I would always come back to the mindset of unmet expectations. Eventually, I would start with it after a long deep breath, but I missed not having the full on emotions. (Punching bags are great marital investments if you have high emotions.) Throughout years I continued to apply this advice to all areas of my life. Yes, this is true of our relationships like marriages and friendships. Where else does this apply? How about work situations? If you have been with a company for a decade and know that there is an opening for a position above you do you begin to get your hopes up? This year is your year! You've come in early, stayed late, made the company more money, and done so with a smile on your face. Why? Who wouldn't want you to move up? Easy, the person who has to pay you more. Maybe they bring up the average worker or higher outside of the company. The reaction? Hurt. Anger. Frustration. You might want to quit. Break it down. The expectation was that you were a shoe in. Even the others in your department thought that you should have that position. You were confident that it was yours. The boss thought otherwise. Maybe they saw how well you've done and thought that they could never get rid of you. You're doing far to well. You are invaluable where you are. Perhaps if they higher from outside they can keep the salary lower. Maybe they just plain don't like you. Guess what. It doesn't matter. They made the decision. It's now your job to figure out your emotions, reactions, words, and actions. I will say this: When I stop and realize that my frustration in a situation comes from MY unmet expectations, it is easier to handle. Even if my expectations are appropriate (like the above example) and my emotions are appropriate, it is necessary to handle things appropriately. There are certain people you can vent to, complain with, whine at, and still be in good standing like spouses or friends. Going to the boss that just crushed you with a devastating blow will give you a pink slip and more free time. Gathering your thoughts and emotions, handling yourself the right way, might just show the people around you how wonderful you are. You'll have more people on your side. You may even have someone that goes to fight your battle for you. I am living in a season of unmet expectations. I won't list the areas, but they are there. And I need to be honest, I want to be bitter and pout. I want to stomp my feet, throw a hissy fit, and stew on it all. But that will do nothing. It never has and never will. Sure, it feels good for the time you're in it. After that, you just get bogged down. It's easy to want to give up on everything with that attitude. So it's time to press forward. Sometimes hope is hard. Hope is waiting and expecting. I hope that my package will get here on time is saying that there is a possibility it won't but I am going to be excitedly waiting for it to be here on time. Then after a few times of the packages coming late, I no longer hope for them to arrive on time, I assume they will be late. If I have unmet expectations repeatedly, I will lose hope. Hope is necessary in life. But hope can be squashed. So in order to keep from drowning, when hope levels are low, there is one thing that can remain. Gratefulness. Gratefulness changes our attitudes (even when justified in crumminess). Let's go back to the overlooked employee. Unmet expectations makes them bitter and angry. Gratefulness reminds them that they still have a job to go to, and therefore a paycheck to live on. Thankfulness tells them they have a home - big, little, overpriced, under-furnished, full, or empty. Gratefulness knows that there are people elsewhere that don't have anything. Thankfulness opens our hearts to see that we have all we need. If you're struggling with a person, job, situation, or anything really, I encourage you to write down what your expectations were for that situation/relationship specifically. Find where the expectations weren't met. Identify your emotions from this unmet expectation. And then talk to someone over it. If it involves a person, tell them. I guarantee that your mind will begin to fizzle when you see that you were expecting things that the other side didn't even know about. Communicate your expectations and let things be where they need to be. Then step back and find reasons to be grateful in that situation.
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