You may or may not have noticed that I did not post last week. You may or may not care why. Well, honestly, I was fighting with my depression.
One of the ways that my depression overtakes me is through competition. I am wired to compete. Not only is my internal wiring set to win at all costs, but being an athlete drilled it further and further into me. You would think that with my background in team sports I would be more likely to share the load with teammates. Nope. I might make a backhanded comment about how if so-and-so ever learned how to play defense we might not suck as a team, but in the end I will put it all on my shoulders. I should have aced those serves. I should have taken more three's. I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't strong enough. (Doesn't that sound like the voice of depression- NOT ENOUGH.) Well, last week was rough, and I found myself comparing my life to others' lives and thinking "it isn't fair!" You see, I will compare myself to anyone and everyone. I think American culture, in general, has taught us to do this. The mom with two kids who is losing her mind- failure. The mom with two kids and rock hard abs- winner. Wait. What? Isn't there more to these equations than what meets the eye? Of course there is. That's where my struggle and fight come in. When I compare, I want to win. However, I usually end up on the losing side of the comparison. As an athlete, that teaches me to push harder, go stronger, and fight until I win. Athletes don't give up, they fight. The problem is that there are some fights that I just cannot win. It isn't about odds or the deck stacked against me. It is literally infeasible for me to succeed in certain areas of life, or at least in comparison to others. Last week, I looked at my comparisons and thought, "I lost." The comparisons I was making was in areas where I had, and still, fight for success. But as life moved on, I realized I couldn't win. There are a lot of people that would just shrug it off and move on. That's not how I'm wired. So when I am in a situation that I cannot win, it is not a non-issue, it is a failure. I am a failure. What I do, doesn't matter. It's worthless. I'm worthless. That escalated quickly, didn't it? That's what goes on in the brain of a person battling depression. Unfortunately for me, my battle becomes worse when things are out of my control and I just can't win. Last week, as I struggled I realized I needed to keep going. I needed to fight. Will I stop comparing myself with others? Probably not. But I am not learning to see past the end results and see more of the picture. Is that mom in better shape? Yes. Does she have the same amount of obstacles in her way as I do? No? Oh, okay. Is that author getting better opportunities than I do? Yes. Is she hindered by the lifestyle I have? No? Oh, that makes sense. Does that person have a better relationship with their loved one? Yep. Did they go through the same ups and downs? No? I'm happy for them. I still can be happy for people and frustrated for myself. I learned years ago to compartmentalize. But that doesn't mean I don't strive to do better. There are times I wish I wasn't so competitive. Then I realize that if I wasn't competing, I might just live a life of defeated. Do I like comparing myself to every Tom, Dick and Harry that crosses my path? No. I just need to find the balance. I need to see the whole picture. I need to remind myself that their success does not equal my failure, despite what depression brain tells me.
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AuthorI have a lot to say about a lot of things. Archives
May 2023
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