One thing about me, is that I do not like to attend a gathering of any sort if I have not been invited.
I know plenty of people that say, "That sounds fun, I'm in!" I am not against those people. Although there are times when people have invited themselves to things that they should not have, I appreciate the gumption it takes to join in. I don't have it. I suppose this goes to my deeply rooted depression and self-doubt. If a group of people I am standing with is talking about going somewhere at a certain time, I still won't feel like they want me there (unless we're close friends or something, or it has been stated that we are figuring out what we'll be doing). There is something inside of me that says, "If you want me there, you'll tell me." Some people think this is silly. If we're friends and you post an event on facebook, I won't assume I'm invited. They think, "But we're friends. Why wouldn't you be invited?" For me, and others with long-lasting depression, there is this idea of inclusive and exclusive. When someone has spend their entire life believing that they are excluded, it takes an actual invitation to feel included. Otherwise, we feel like, "sure you said I can come, but you don't actually want me there." Honestly, that can be true or not. We don't know. All we can, and should, do is accept or decline the invitation based upon our schedule and interest in attending the event. But that isn't how our brains are wired. We're different. We're rationally irrational. Okay, maybe just irrational. It isn't our fault, though. Remember that. I could write for days on how often I feel excluded (whether I actually was or not). I can talk to you about the times I was included, but felt like it was more out of pity than actually having people want me around. Why tell you all of this? If you have someone in your life that has battled depression, they may not feel like they are invited. It won't be enough to just say, "We're having a party." There will need to be additional words like, "I hope you can come!" Even then, if the comment is made within a group of people, it can possibly not feel genuine, as if the person meant it for the other people in the group. I know it sounds silly, but this is who we are. We fight daily to feel like we matter to the human race. We need to be invited. It solidifies us to the rest of humanity. It lifts our spirits to think that someone wants us to be with them. I won't tag along. I won't join in. I won't allow myself to feel like I'm ruining someone's time.
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May 2023
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